


Empty swimming pools

by fatamorgana631



Category: Original Work
Genre: Aftercare, Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Anal Fingering, Anal Gaping, Anal Sex, Angst, Anxiety, Begging, Big Gay Love Story, Blood and Injury, Blow Jobs, Boyfriends, Butt Plugs, CEO, Cheating, Come Eating, Come as Lube, Comeplay, Dark Past, Dirty Talk, Drinking, Drugs, Explicit Sexual Content, Face-Fucking, Face-Sitting, Falling In Love, Fingerfucking, Fluff, Gay Sex, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Inspired by Music, Kissing Kink, Light Dom/sub, London, Love/Hate, M/M, Making Love, Multiple Orgasms, New York City, Original Character(s), Overdosing, Overstimulation, Pet Names, Playlist, Plot, Plot Twists, Possessive Behavior, References to Depression, Rimming, Rough Sex, Sexual Tension, Shameless Smut, Slow Burn, Smut, Spanking, Tattoos, Unrequited Love, mentions of threesome
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:42:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 80,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29790717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fatamorgana631/pseuds/fatamorgana631
Summary: Lennon Lewis doesn’t feel quite alright. He is slowly but surely reaching for the stars with his rock band and is adored by everyone who meets him. He should be happy. But he’s either too high or too low. The sweet relief is only temporary and it seems he can only breathe when he’s high enough, drunk enough or on stage performing. But what happens when his notebook is sitting open in front of him, taunting him with blank pages that should have been filled with lyrics?Well, Lennon meets him.William Hamilton-Smith walks into his world unexpectedly and calms the chaotic storms inside him. Or does he cause unstoppable hurricanes in both of their lives?Inside the walls of one room they are almost safe, almost in love, almost complete, almost honest.Almost.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. Intro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, welcome and thank you for giving this a go!
> 
> If you are a b/b or m/m fan you will probably looove this because it has everything! There’s drama and plot and character development and ugly, dark stuff on top of that a lot gay as fuck shit that will make you feel some type of way! It can be angsty at times but then extremely fluffy if you stick until the end. 
> 
> This story is inspired by the music I listen to and places I travel to so there will be a lot of that incorporated in the story.
> 
> The chapters are named after the actual songs and most of the songs represent the characters feelings or the mood of the story, they’re not just random. 
> 
> You can picture whoever you like, but I am imagining Erin Mommsen as Lennon (because since I saw this boy’s face he just inspired me to write something about him) and Robert Mull as William. Jorja is Jorja Smith. Also I have big,dirty,shameless plans for some other characters so in the future expect this to become a series. 
> 
> If you prefer reading this on Wattpad check it out there at @bukowskiworld
> 
> Love to all!

Dissociation - Aaryan Shah  
Butterflies and hurricanes - The Muse  
Hurricane drunk - Florence + the Machine  
The city - The 1975  
Gold on the ceiling - The Black Keys  
Wild eyed - London Grammar  
A rush of blood to the head - Coldplay  
Drive - Halsey  
Heathrow - Catfish and the Bottleman  
Feelin’ way too damn good-Nickelback  
Where I end and you begin-Radiohead  
Hot like fire - The xx  
I want the one I can’t have-The Smiths  
Space date - Adam Beyer  
Inside my love - Delilah  
Wandering romance -Jorja Smith  
Champagne supernova - Oasis  
The knowing - The Weeknd  
Lover,please stay-Nothing but Thieves  
Love will tear us apart - Joy Division  
When it breaks - Inhaler  
Do me a favour - Arctic Monkeys  
Boys don’t cry - The Cure  
Before I ever met you - Banks  
Aroused - Tom Vek  
Tattoos together - Lauv  
Dead boys - Sam Fender  
Fine line - Harry Styles  
No I in threesome - Interpol  
Can we kiss forever? - Kina  
Swimming pools - Troye Sivan  
Separate - PVRIS  
Home - Jake Isaac  
Unspoken - Aaron Smith  
Gods & Monsters - Lana Del Rey  
Pretty boy - The Neighbourhood  
Overstimulated - Jhene Aiko  
Beautiful & brutal - Plested  
As it was - Hozier  
Everlong - Foo Fighters

Erin Mommsen as Lennon Lewis 

  
Robert Sidney Mull as William Hamilton-Smith


	2. Dissociation

It’s almost 8 o’clock in the evening and he is bored out of his mind. That’s why he decides to come down from his hotel room to get some snacks and a bottle of something to lift up his mood.

The queue is not that long, only a teenage girl with short pink hair buying a can of Coke and a middle aged man who seems to just be finished with his shift at one of the many construction sites in the area of lower Manhattan if his dusty uniform and hard hat is anything to go by. Lennon is not in a hurry, not at all. He’s been trying to sleep all afternoon, and failed. White lines, pretty pastel pills, hash in the pipes might be the reason for it. He has nothing to do until tomorrow evening when he is performing his last gig in New York before going back home to London.

But somehow every sound around him makes him irritated - maybe it’s the lack of sleep, or lack of mood enhancers. He can hear the beeping of the cash register and how slow it is. He can hear the girl’s zipper open on her backpack to put the Coke in. He hears loud sounds of a firefighter truck just outside of the supermarket. He can’t take it, he just wants to get out of there. All of a sudden he is interrupted from his inner madness by the woman in front of him.

  
\- Excuse me, sweetheart , did you want that or not?  
\- What? - he blinks and whips his gaze to her, confused. - Sorry. Yes, please .

Lennon clears his throat and apologizes even though he really doesn’t mean it because she was so slow anyway.  
\- And this too. - he quickly grabs a packet of strawberry flavoured gum from the small shelf on the side. She rolls her eyes. He smirks.  
\- Actually I’ll have the watermelon too. - he picks another packet. - Do you have orange flavour? That’s my favourite. You know, not too sweet but not too sour. - She just glares at him and wordlessly reaches for the box on the shelf behind her and digs into it. She scans the orange flavoured gum when she finds it and puts it in the bag.

\- Peachy. Oh, peach. Should I have peach? Don’t like peaches much though. - She doesn’t say anything but he smiles wide and cocky. He’s not a mean person but she asked for it. We all have different miseries and problems, maybe hers are worse than yours.

He quickly swipes his card and rushes out of there instantly forgetting the whole conversation. Now that he’s outside on Broadway Ave all those sounds keep getting louder. Clattered feet on New York pavement and car noises, he can hear it all. But that’s not the problem. The problem is that his mind is blank.

For a while now Lennon can’t find any inspiration for anything in his life. He didn’t write a song in months and although his band is doing just fine with their first tour in America promoting their debut album he can’t find that one thing that would move him forward, back to his old self full of ideas and plans for his music career. Because music is all he has. He’s stuck and completely alone standing in the middle of the biggest city in the world. He listens and listens. He strains his mind so hard. For a sound that will maybe light up something inside him, inspire him to run up to his hotel room and take that guitar and write one verse at least.

He even looks around, moves his long hair back with his hand to see better even though he doesn’t know what he’s looking for really. He looks at the faces and then at the small Trinity Church in the middle of these massive concrete buildings, should I go inside, he asks himself, he’s never been religious, maybe he can start now. He looks at the sky and it’s still cloudy, now it’s almost completely dark so he hopes for the rain because he misses home a little bit. Maybe he should write about that, days away from home. But even home isn't a real home since a very long time ago. A time he doesn’t want to remember. At that moment he takes his phone from his pocket, scrolls down and comes to a number. He doesn’t think and just calls the number. After it rings twice a surprised male voice is heard from the other side.

  
\- Hello? Lennon, is that you?  
\- Hey. You free tonight?  
\- Oh my God, um.. I thought you will never call me back. I .. You just left without the word the other night I thought, you know, it’s a one night thing for you..I...Um.. - the guy starts rambling and Lennon is thinking to just hang up at this point.  
\- So? - he’s becoming impatient- I have no plans tonight. Can I come to your place? In like.. Now?

  
He just says it with no emotion, almost a little bit annoyed because of all this wasting time again. He needs to do something with himself right now and sex is what he usually does when moments of desperation like this come. Sex, sometimes drugs and always alcohol, and alcohol is already in his shopping bag. So he will go to this guy he met three nights ago after his gig, guy whose name he can’t really remember. He will fuck him, maybe he will try to get drunk first. He’ll think about it on the way there. And that’s how he will forget he’s completely useless - as a musician, as a friend to his band mates who rely on him to write songs, as a person.

  
\- Umm.. yeah. I mean I’m out at the moment but I can be home in 45 minutes if that’s ok with you?  
\- Sure. See you shortly.  
\- Great! I can’t believe you called Lennon, can’t wait t...

  
He hangs up because all this small talk is killing his brain cells and he can’t afford losing any more of them. He turns right towards Rector Street subway station, his headphones in his ears, Sabotage by Beastie Boys blasting and he buttons up his black coat. Air smells like gasoline, fried food and wet concrete and he reminds himself that he should appreciate his life.

*

Lennon knocks at the man's door with the lid of the blue Bombay Sapphire bottle he planned to drink by himself just an hour earlier. He is not excited about this and deep down he knows that’s wrong. So he focuses on the bottle of gin and decides that he is really excited about that. God, he hopes this guy has some tonic water. The door opens and the man in front of him has the biggest smile and Lennon then remembers how he smiled at some stupid joke Lennon made the night they met at the bar of the pub across from the concert hall where his band - Edge of Revolution, has played.

He was already pretty tipsy when he approached him. Lennon was aware of him staring since the moment the whole band came to the pub. It’s what he usually does. The band goes out, they drink, sometimes take something else, they are loud, they are attractive, and they are popular. Well, not too popular but they have their fan base and a lot of people recognise them if they end up in a nearby bar after the concert. They basically throw themselves at him, he just has to pick - boy or a girl. Or both. And it’s fun. Rock and roll. Until he wakes up the next morning in a random bed asking himself why he doesn’t feel anything at all.

\- You look good tonight, Lennon. Come in. - A young man timidly greets him after opening the door. He definitely wasn’t this timid last time.

\- Thank you. - Lennon enters the flat and takes off his black leather boots. - I bought some gin on the way. Got some tonic water?  
\- Um...let me check, I’m not sure - the guy nervously starts walking to the kitchen and Lennon soon finds out that he’s out of luck when he hears sounds of digging around, cupboards opening and closing, rattle of dishes. There is no tonic water. He rolls his eyes - Just ice will do I guess. - he shouts from the living room he barely remembers from the last time, just a couple of nights ago. He definitely doesn’t remember the view, because the hedonist in him would definitely appreciate the beauty - floor to ceiling windows are showing a gorgeous twilight view of the New York skyline, twinkling light is covering the city like thousands of fairy lights.

When the guy comes back with two glasses they both sit on the sofa and Lennon realises how attractive this guy actually is. He has a really pretty face with dark eyes, his hair cut really short and he’s a bit taller than Lennon but slimmer.

He is beautiful and Lennon likes beautiful things.

He likes beautiful people, beautiful art, beautiful sceneries, beautiful clothes - he used to find his inspiration in all those beautiful things and write his music about them. This beautiful man could inspire him, he is nice, he thinks while drinking straight gin and nodding at whatever this guy is saying. He interrupts him because he realises that the time is again being wasted.

  
\- Can I kiss you? - he slowly approaches him so their thighs are touching.  
\- Oh...I ... - he blushes and looks away. - Okay... Is that the only reason you came tonight? - he says nervously and Lennon chuckles at that, his big blue-green eyes roaming up and down his body and frightened face.  
\- I’m flying out tomorrow back to London. I mean, we could talk if you want. There’s the whole bottle to be finished. - Lennon tells him jokingly.  
\- Do you know my name, Lennon? - Fuck. Lennon doesn’t, and at this moment he realises that all this can go to waste. He just wanted an easy fuck and now he might have to go to a random bar, start talking to a new random person that will lead to maybe sex. He doesn’t want to waste all that time on a maybe.

\- Listen, I’m sorry. I’m being a dick. I know. I will be honest with you, I was drunk the other night, as were you, but we had so much fun,didn’t we? I couldn’t forget your pretty face. - he looks at him seductively, brushing fingers on his cheek, the coldness of his big, silver rings making the young man shudder. - I just had to have you one more time before I go home. - Lennon is so close to his face now that he can feel his breath. He sets his empty glass on the coffee table and takes the man's hand in his, slowly placing it on his crotch.

\- See what you’re doing to me, darling? That’s how much I want you. I can’t lie about that.  
Lennon almost whispers that in his ear while guiding the man's hand to press harder on a big hard-on in his black jeans.

The man’s walls are falling down, because Lennon's voice is deeper and sexier than anything he ever heard in his young, ordinary life. And all he really wants is to make Lennon happy because Lennon called _him_ and _he_ can’t disappoint this gorgeous creature that showed up at his door. What a privilege! Being a lover of Lennon Lewis even for only one night is sort of an achievement that he will be bragging about all his life. And he is stupid to even think Lennon Lewis would ever want something more with him - he can have anyone. This is just sex, an amazing mind-blowing porn-like sex and he gets to experience it twice. So he puts his almost full glass of gin on the table because he doesn’t really like gin at all and goes down on his knees, nudging them wider. He unzips Lennon’s jeans and the gorgeous rock star smiles down at him.

Leaning back on the sofa Lennon lets the man work the waistband of his underwear lower and suck one testicle into his mouth, then the other, tongue whirling desperately over sensitive skin until Lennon grits his teeth and digs his nails into the arm of the sofa. He arches his hips with a growl when the man runs his lips over his hard cock, tongues his slit, then swallows him. He clutches the back of his neck and fucks his mouth until he is dripping, then pushes him away.

  
\- Get up and take your clothes off. 

Lennon slowly strokes his cock while he watches him do it without a word.

\- Now go and stand in front of the window. - the man gives a slow glance over his shoulder at the window, blackened by night, then back to Lennon, his gaze a mixture of fear and arousal. Whatever he is thinking he doesn’t say it, just goes obediently toward the window. Lennon eyes his round ass and gives his dick a couple of strokes.

\- Will you let me fuck you? - his voice is calm.

  
\- Yeah y-yeah. I… I loved it the other night. - the man’s voice reveals how nervous he is, exposed and vulnerable, in his own home. Lennon feeds on it. His cock grows harder. The man turns another insecure look over his shoulder at Lennon but before he can ask anything Lennon interrupts.  
\- Face the window and prep yourself for me.

Lennon sees him slipping two fingers into his mouth, spreads himself with one hand while he slides his wet finger along the crevice of his ass, circling and teasing his hole. Then slides the first finger inside. He lets out a sultry moan and plants one hand against the window as he slides the second finger and fucks himself slowly, in and out, stretching himself.

  
When Lennon feels his orgasm approaching he takes a condom from his pocket and pulls it on, then stands up, walks towards the window and shoves his trousers and underwear lower. The man lets out a breath, feeling him behind him, not knowing, not seeing. Lennon grabs the man's wrist and pulls his fingers out of him, wets his thumb and presses it inside, holding him open as he spits on the hole and then pushes the head of his cock inside.  
The man groans and splays his hands wider on the window, the sweat on his palms squeaking against the glass. Lennon drills into him. He fucks him hard, when he stumbles on his feet he puts his arm around his chest to keep him upright, there’s a small puddle forming underneath his spread legs that tells him that he’s enjoying this if his moans and words of encouragement don’t already tell him that. Lennon would never cross over the line, he wants them ruined for others, he wants to be their best fuck. The man cries out as the orgasm rips through him and hot thick jets paint the window in front of them.

  
Smack of skin on skin. Grunts and curses. Entire Manhattan spread out before him. Taste of gin on his tongue. Smell of sweat and men’s aftershave. Window foggy from their breaths and cum. Lennon loses himself in this perfect image he created for himself and comes. In this one thing, he can always count on being in control.


	3. Butterflies and hurricanes

Loud sounds of banging on the door is what wakes Lennon up and he is not happy. Disoriented and a bit foggy, he slowly shuffles to the hotel room door and even before he opens it he hears cheerful voices of Jorja and Nate. He groans.

\- What the fuck, guys? Can you go away please.- Lennon tells them opening the door and slowly, still half asleep walks back to his warm, comfy bed.

\- You know you opened the door naked, right? It could have been housekeeping . - Jorja points out while entering, and flops on the bed while Nate opens the curtains. Lennon hisses like he's a vampire being burnt by sun rays. He needs more sleep. He never sleeps as much as he should have.

\- He really couldn't care less who sees his dick at this point, Jorja. So, who was blessed with that beautiful beast last night, Len?

\- Shut up, Nate. First you wake me up and then you insult me. And how do you even know anyone was blessed with it last night? - he is not actually offended. The whole point of them being friends for so long is the fact that they can casually make fun of eachother and nobody takes offence.

\- We knocked on your door around 11 and then around midnight. - Jorja says while fighting with Lennon over the covers. Soon after, she starts tickling him under his arm and Lennon can't take it anymore so he bursts laughing and cursing while trying to hit Jorja with a pillow. She has her long dark hair in cornrows this day, wearing the slightest makeup that enhances her natural beauty on her brown skin. She is feisty, brave, what you see is what you get type of girl and he can never be upset with her even if he tries. Nate joins them on the bed while switching the TV on and mindlessly flicking through the channels.

\- Maybe I was in a library. Or sleeping. Or .. - he sighs, giving up. - Oh shut up, you two. Where is Sam?

\- Sam got up at 7, went for a jog, came back, had breakfast, did some shopping for his mum in Century 21 and went to an art exhibition in Brooklyn. - Nate replies, almost like a proud parent.

\- For fucks sake - Lennon curses in frustration. - I really wanted to go to that exhibition, we talked about it for days, why didn't he wake me up. Man.. - he covers his head with a pillow. - Could you please switch the TV off, my head is about to explode!?

\- Don't care.

\- It's my room. Get out.

\- Technically, it's not your room. Some other people own the hotel. And we're not leaving, we need to get you all nice and ready for tonight's show. It's the last one of the US tour and our lead singer has to be on top of his game. - Jorja hugs Lennon and kisses his temple and Lennon hugs her back still lying under his warm duvet, his hair tangled from sleep on the white pillows.

\- I'm always on top of my game. - he mumbles - Yeah, all right I will get up. I only need some breakfast and I'll be cool. - Lennon says while getting up and heading to the bathroom.

\- Breakfast? It's half past one, mate. We'll go get some lunch. -Nate laughs and Jorja throws a pillow at Lennon who is walking naked around the room looking for his phone.

\- Put some underwear on, you freak.

\- Jorja mate, chill. It's all been seen before. - Lennon tries to annoy them as much as he can because they invaded his room like this. -Hey. Liam messaged me.

\- Yeah? What he said? I miss that motherfucker. - Nate says.

\- He's coming tonight to the show finally.Sweet. - Lennon reads the message from his phone really happy to finally see one of his best friends after a few months.  
Nate, Liam and Lennon met when they were sixteen, seventeen in London. Nate and Liam were friends since childhood, went to the same school and then when they met Lennon they ended up living together and have been best friends ever since. Nate and Lennon started the band soon after, Nate playing lead guitar and Lennon singing and playing guitar. They found Jorja on one of the nights out in London, playing bass guitar with such passion that they knew they had to ask her to play with them. And it turned out to be the perfect match. Finally, they found Sam, a brilliant drummer they met at a small gig they had in Newcastle.

Liam has been working in New York for two years now, he's an accomplished architect with a busy schedule and a lifestyle completely different from Lennon's but he couldn't be prouder of him. He couldn't be happier for all his friends, they are still around and they are the ones that keep him still sane. He may be the lead singer of a band but they are definitely the one who keep the show running.

\- So hyped for tonight. The last show and Liam is coming. He's bringing some of his friends too. We'll definitely all go afterwards to celebrate in style. Am I right or am I right? - Nate says and Lennon picks up clean underwear from his suitcase and heads for the shower.

\- Mhmmm - he hums - It's going to be a good night tonight.

He says to himself more than the others and looks at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. Like he is convincing himself, not actually believing in it.

*

The band plays their hearts out.  
The Webster Hall in East Village is a perfect venue for them, it only has a capacity of around 2000 people but the fans clapping and stomping and whistling and singing make the whole place feel a lot bigger. Lennon jumps on the stage and shouts and smiles and he really feels like that stage is where he belongs. He and his narcissism together with all the mess in his head. He wants to share it all with the world through his music. It's the only way.

After the last song and a long thank you the band leaves the stage sweaty and delirious with high of victory thudding their veins, like they just conquered the world. Lennon's body is buzzing with adrenaline and joy, he's ready to celebrate with his friends. As soon as they enter the small backstage area, his eyes scan the room, looking for Liam. There's a few people, mostly roadies, others are friends of friends, or just random people from the venue.

All eyes are on the band as they cheer and clap on their shoulders, but he only sees one person in the middle of this small crowd.  
He is just standing there, looking around and then his eyes stop at Lennon's. They travel no farther. He sweeps his gaze over Lennon.  
Over his whole body. Long, lingering, slow. And absolutely appreciatively.  
A rush of heat jolts down his spine, rarely someone catches his attention like this, in a fraction of a second. He usually has to be drunk and high to feel something close to this but his cells are buzzing right now. He's going to enjoy this night very much if that man ends up with all of them in a bar later. And then Liam runs into Lennon's embrace shouting his name and breaking eye contact with the stranger.

\- Mate! Fucking finally. - Lennon is now squeezing Liam in a breathtaking hug and the dark hair man is smiling in his neck. - Damn, I missed you.

\- Missed you too, Len. You guys blew the fucking doors right off the house tonight. So proud of you.

-Are you wearing a damn suit? - he gives him a once over and laughs - I thought this was a rock concert not a board meeting.  
-Listen. I came straight from the office, you wanker. Some of us have proper jobs you know, the ones that actually pay money.

\- That means you're paying all the rounds tonight, right? I'm gonna make you so drunk that you'll puke all over that fancy suit. - he slaps his cheek gently and hugs him again.

\- Excuse me, what is this? I'm getting jealous over here, stop stealing my friend. - Lennon can hear the voice of a man just behind Liam's back.  
He slowly lifts his head from Liam's neck and looks over his shoulder. Then he sees that same man, wearing a casual Adidas hoodie and jeans with a smirk on his face and sun in his eyes. Yes, his eyes are staring into Lennon's soul.

\- He was my friend first. - Lennon replies in a childish voice. He moves away from Liam, still having his arm around him while both of them approach this stranger.

\- Lennon, let me introduce you to my very good friend, William Hamilton-Smith. Will, this is Lennon.- Liam introduces them and they shake hands with a gentle smile. He's not American,that much he realises after he hears him speak.

\- I can finally put a face to all the stories now - William jokingly says to them.  
\- Oh no, what did you tell him Liam?!Whatever you heard, it's all lies. Almost. - Lennon winks at William and William almost blushes at that. That blush on this man, does something strange to Lennon. Because the man in front of him is well, all man. Obviously handsome even in a simple hoodie and jeans, with strong jaw, light brown hair, same height as him but with broader shoulders. And he just blushed because Lennon winked at him?  
So he approaches William closer to test it. He's right there, leaning, challenging- he whispers seductively in his ear.  
\- And hey...make sure to find me later tonight when Liam's not around to tell you all the dirt about him, alright? - it's loud enough so Liam can hear it, and he laughs behind him, but Lennon is enjoying this too much. He can smell him. Fuck. So sweet.

\- Um... Later tonight? - William asks confused, his blue eyes wide, but avoiding Lennon's.

\- Yeah, you're coming to the after party with Liam, right? - Lennon looks to Liam, then to William and then back to Liam wanting to make sure that Liam brings him along.  
\- Yeah, we're all coming, mate. - Liam confirms and Lennon smiles wide, both thumbs up.

Which makes William smile more and touch his hair to fix it, almost like a sign of nervousness . Lennon looks at all these little mannerisms and it intrigues him, for some reason decides at that moment that he likes the guy. It is obvious that he would, anyone who Liam likes is probably going to be fine to Lennon. He's bloody gorgeous for sure, but more than that he's radiating such a positive energy in only seconds that Lennon usually never feels from strangers.

\- Yeah we will be there, Liam mentioned it. I... really like your band, glad to finally see you guys live. - so he's just a fan and probably nervous after meeting the frontman of the band he likes, Lennon thinks, disappointed a little.  
Just when Lennon opens his mouth to say something to that, a beautiful girl with long dark hair in a crimson dress hugs William around his waist and smiles at Lennon. He's a bit surprised to see this girl near William. He's seen her somewhere before.

\- Oh shit, you're not who I think you are, Nina? Nina Perry from The Forgotten? - Lennon questions with a frown on his face pointing a finger at this girl.

\- Len, this is Nina, Will's girlfriend. - Liam adds.  
\- And yeah, she's in The Forgotten, always managing to steal my thunder, this one. - William says to Lennon sarcastically and playfully pinches her cheek.

\- Oh baby, I can only try but you would never let me.- she smiles back at him - Really nice to meet you Lennon, I love your band, your energy on stage is amazing.

And then there's that. The guy is straight and in the relationship with one of the up and coming actresses in America. And world probably. The Netflix series she is in already has three seasons and it's been talked about everywhere. After realising that they are together Lennon finds them both pretty adorable as a couple. He takes her hand in both of his hands.

\- Thank you so much, it really means a lot. It's lovely to meet you, you're even prettier in person.- she really is, and Lennon wonders what William's job might be if he's dating this beautiful, famous actress. Someone shouts his name, the whole room is now loud.

\- I'm a huge fan of your show and believe me I will ask you everything about it later but now I must go, I see some champagne being opened and I believe it has my name on it. - Lennon charmingly says to Nina and starts walking towards his band members and team that tours with them. But he suddenly turns around and points a finger at the man with blue eyes who somehow peaked his interest tonight.

\- And don't worry William, I won't allow her to steal your thunder. You'll get your chance later to show me what you've got. - with a smug smile Lennon walks away leaving William speechless.

After the band freshens up and makes a toast with their manager and close friends in the backstage they all head to a bar across the road from the venue where they already partied after their show three nights ago.

Loud music, jangle of voices. Men and women who look older than they are slumped on bar, pint glasses, shot glasses, someone crying in the corner, standing drinkers at the bar, couples in secluded corners, laughing, back slapping, drinking games, another round, pink cheeks, swearing. This is the type of noise Lennon is comfortable with. He has a bottle of beer in one hand and a phone in the other taking a picture of Jorja and Sam kissing Nate's cheeks.

\- Wait, wait I fucked that one up...One more time. - He says to them but actually puts his camera on selfie mode and starts snapping pictures of himself.

At that moment William shows up right behind him and puts his head right next to Lennon's so they end up taking photos of two of them making funny faces while the rest of their friends, annoyed after realising what Lennon and William are doing, just walk away.  
Life is good for Lennon this very moment.  
He thinks for just a second how fucked up he was the night before and hopes the dark thoughts won't come any time soon to haunt him. That one thought starts clouding his mind for just a few seconds - this last concert meant that he will be even more under pressure to start writing for their new album. He knows it, the manager and the record label are already pressuring them about it. But Lennon is content now, and he won't let that bring his mood down.

\- What's wrong? - William's voice interrupts him from his thoughts.

\- Why do you think anything is wrong? - Lennon questions him while taking another sip of his beer.

And that there is one of many moments when Lennon slowly begins to realise that he likes William a little bit more than the previous moment. How does he notice that Lennon is gone to his unhappy place? And more importantly - why would he care to ask anything?

\- I'm sorry - he quickly apologises. - I didn't want to go all deep on you now I just thought something's wrong. You were perfectly happy and all of a sudden your eyes just looked...I don't know... really sad. That's all. I ... I don't even know you so.. I'm probably wrong. - William smiles apologetically and shows in the direction of the bar. - Beer?

\- Umm ... no, don't apologize, it's ok. I'm good. Thanks... for asking. It was nothing.-Lennon replies and looks suspiciously at the blue eyed man in front of him like he just saw a unicorn. Funny feelings start forming in his stomach which he contributes to already too much alcohol, so he thinks it's probably the best to stop.

\- Let's get a beer, yes. - he says excitedly instead. - I kind of do want you to go deep on me, William. - he smirks at him and the old charmer Lennon is back, pulling William by the hand through the crowd to get to the bar.

And if he sees with the corner of his eye how William is licking his lips while checking out Lennon's ass he doesn't think much of it.


	4. Hurricane drunk

William leans on the bar, his bright, tipsy face scanning the bottles on the wall. Lennon is right by his side, chewing on his hangnail in thought.  
Observing William.  
There's something about this man - he knows he can't fuck him but still he can't make himself leave his company and go look for someone else who he can fuck. The bartender is there to take his order in a flash, her eyes focused on William's body only momentarily but Lennon notices it is much longer than usual. She hands him their drinks and then William's attention could finally be on him, Lennon thinks.

\- So, Lennon. How deep do you want me to go?

Lennon laughs so hard that he has to cover his face with both of his hands. His eyes crinkling. His heart warming up. Lennon is almost always flirting with handsome men when he is drunk, usually making them squirm and blush which would lead to an easy lay soon after. He is that intimidating, being in a band and also just being constantly told that he is drop dead gorgeous, since he was a teenager. There's that moment in time when his face was his worst enemy. But now because of that same face it is so easy to get laid and he definitely doesn't hate that, but somehow William doesn't take him seriously and makes a joke out of it. It is so easy to hold a conversation with him, they don't have to pretend, make things awkward by small talk or have to explain their humour, sarcasm and double meaning of their conversation. Sex jokes and shameless banter. It is easy and familiar. Lennon wants to kiss Liam for introducing him to this lovely human.

-How do you know Liam? - Lennon asks at some point.

\- Well, when Liam first came to New York a couple of years ago he started working in the same architecture firm where my younger sister worked as an interior designer. She works in London mainly but visits the New York office sometimes too. At that time I just got a new place in West Village and Charlotte, my sister, really wanted to decorate it. So she brought Liam a few times over to my place to show him around and help him settle. So yeah, Liam and my sister are colleagues, sort of, and we all started hanging out.

\- Oh, alright...I hated when Liam got that promotion, I selfishly wanted him to stay in England. But he seems happy, I'm glad. I'm glad he found someone nice to help him around. - he points his glass at William and smiles - This city can be lonely at times. - Lennon says.

\- Believe me, I know - he swings his beer and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

\- How so? You have an amazing girlfriend. shouldn't feel lonely. - Lennon questions.

\- Yeah I'm lucky that I met her, but before that it definitely was lonely. I moved here by myself and didn't know anyone so it was hard for awhile.

\- Why did a posh Londoner even move to dirty New York anyway? - Lennon asks jokingly.

\- Why do you think I'm posh? - William moves uncomfortably.

\- Well your accent man, I'm thinking Kensington and Chelsea? Is that why you came here, to charm all American girls with your accent?

\- Well the only connection I have with Chelsea is the football club I support. - he jokes - And speak of the devil. Or American girls. There is mine! - William looks behind Lennon and says that louder while Nina approaches them.

-Hey you, I've been looking for you everywhere.

\- And where else would I be then at the bar?

Lennon smiles at their conversation and looks at how Nina kisses the corner of William's lips. She's absolutely stunning, her long chocolate hair curled to perfection and flowing freely down her back, flawless porcelain skin and piercing brown eyes, Lennon can't stop staring at her now.

\- I'm going to head out now, I have to be on the set first thing in the morning, unfortunately. Are you staying babe, you're working tomorrow morning as well?

\- Yeah but I promised Liam I will wait for him and by the looks of it he's not done here yet.

William points at the group of people who are shouting chug chug at Liam and Nate. All three of them laugh at that image. Nina hugs William and then Lennon, saying how much fun she had and how she enjoyed their conversation earlier. She was so nice and pleasant to talk to, Lennon thinks, while saying goodnight to her. Perfect men always end up with perfect women, it seems. Then she is gone and Lennon orders another round without even asking William.

Loud music, laughter, lots of laughter, innocent touches during what seems to be important conversation but really it's not, spilled beer on the hoodie. And that is how the night went by - Lennon by William's side, they would always find their way to each other during the whole night. And none of them thinks anything of it, it is a bar, they are celebrating, they are young and drunk in New York City.

But Lennon is more drunk then the rest, actually the rest already went home. Or God knows where - Lennon doesn't remember very much of the conversation he had with Jorja, Sam or Nate.

He does realise he is outside now, cool breeze touching his warm checks. He is walking down the 3rd Av and it is half past 4 in the morning, but he can't know that until William tells him. William. William is helping him walk the straight line, and laughing in his ear. Lennon wouldn't mind embarrassing himself like this until the rest of his life if that would mean listening to Williams laughter. So he is trying to explain to him that they have to go home, and Lennon doesn't even want to hear about it, he definitely wants another drink.

\- You still have a beer bottle in your hand, you idiot. No more drinking, Lennon.- William laughs but tries to sound serious at the same time. It's fun. Lennon's having fun even though he doesn't really know much about anything.

He can't speak much and when he does he slurs but he's sure William is having fun too and that's the only thing important. He feels tired so he sits down on the curb while William is trying to hail a taxi.

\- Lennon, you need to tell me your hotel address. Now. I can see a taxi! Jesus Christ, look at yourself, get up! - William pulls him by the arm but Lennon giggles and refuses to get up.

\- I'm good here. Come. Sit, William. Will-iam. I really like the sound of your name. Mhmmm. William...

Lennon repeats Williams name a few more times like he is tasting a fancy palatable hors d'oeuvres or swishing the most expensive Argentinian Malbec in his mouth to bring up the aromas. William is now crouching between Lennon's knees right there in the middle of an empty street in Manhattan and tells him gently that he really needs to get up because the taxi is here and he has to tell the taxi driver where to take him. He takes Lennon's almost empty bottle of Blue Moon and puts it on the pavement. He begs him and Lennon really, really wants to remember where his hotel is. But William's hands are on Lennon's thighs while he's crouching there in front of him and they are really distracting.

Next thing he knows they are in the moving car and bright lights from the city are making Lennon dizzy so he decides to close his eyes and rest his head on the shoulder next to him. He smells the aftershave and fabric softener and sweat but it's not unpleasant. Just a natural manly scent of him. He moves the corners of his lips up in a small smile because he remembers that smell belongs to William.

There's a song on the radio. Radiohead's Creep plays. You're just like an angel, your skin makes me cry, you float like a feather, in a beautiful world I wish I was special, you're so fucking special.

The lyrics gently wrap around him until he's living the song. The song is him. The song is them. And then he can feel a touch on his lower back and for a moment he is confused. Damn alcohol. Is William touching his ass?  
Not possible. Yes. William is touching his ass.

Fucking hell, why Lennon has to be so drunk at this very important moment. He wants to move or do something about it but he can't.

\- William? - is all he manages to say. It's almost a whisper, a horny whisper because this is not what he expected from William but will certainly not turn down. His touch is amazing even over the fabric of his jeans and he tries to turn his head so at least he can kiss his neck and show that he's eager.

\- Sorry mate, I have to get your wallet, I really hope your room key is in there, otherwise I don't know what I will do with your silly, wasted ass. What the fuck am I even doing here, I have to be at work in.. fuck..3 hours.

\- I'm .. sss.. sorry Will, I am...drunk..um..

\- Don't worry about it, hey, sir, I got the hotel room card, the address is 7 Albany Street it's the W hotel downtown. I know where this is actually, it's near the World Trade Center. Hold on Lennon, we'll be there any minute now.

William talks more to himself because Lennon is almost asleep on his shoulder, just barely listening, but actually trying to remember that tone of voice for all the future moments when he's struggling to fall asleep. Some time has passed it could be minutes or hours but Lennon is walking slowly towards the lift and he is really struggling to stay on his feet. But William holds him strongly by his waist and says some words in his ear. Or maybe he said it to the girl at the reception?  
This night lasts forever now and Lennon knows he will pass out as soon as his head hits the pillow. Pillow. White sheets. Jersey city skyline in the window. Dark curtains are being drawn and the skyline disappears. Clock on the bedside table with glowing red digits shows 05:32. William takes Lennon's shoes off, his coat was already off somewhere on the way. They are both sitting on the big hotel bed now, Lennon opening his heavy lids and looking at William who is now taking his own shoes too.

-Come on mate, you made it. It's time to sleep. Let's tuck you in.

\- I'm.. I'm hot. I think I'm.. gonna.. - Lennon thinks he will be sick any moment but he can't say any more words. William quickly goes to the bathroom and brings a glass of water, a small rubbish bin and some tissues and places them next to the bed.

-It's alright, I got you. Let's get you under the duvet. And out of that sweaty t-shirt.

Lennon understands that sentence somehow and tries pulling the t-shirt over his head. He flops tired on the bed, William helping him with the t-shirt and the duvet. He slowly removes some of the big rings of his fingers. Lennon's wild hair is spread on the pillow now and William is still there, making sure he's not lying on his back.

When Lennon turns on his side he finds William's hand and then he's definitely fast asleep.


	5. The city

It's the moment of complete confusion. His throat is so dry and eyelids heavy so he doesn't bother opening them yet. He groans and moves his tired body in a more comfortable position only realising that he still has his jeans on. What happened last night?  
The headache is an answer to his question - he got wasted. The next one is - in which stranger's bed did he end up this time? But the jeans are still on him so ... What the hell?

He has to open his eyes. It takes a few minutes for the blurry room to come into focus. The agonizing throbbing in his head is real. He turns his body slowly and very cautiously so as to not further the strength of the pounding. Lying next to him just an arm reach away is this beautiful man with feather-like eyelashes and soft golden-brown hair on white pillow in his deepest sleep.

It is William. And oh my God the headache just got worse. He looks at him again, the sunlight that peaks through curtains makes his skin glow - tanned and perfect. It glints in his hair and makes that gold too, like honey - he is blindingly beautiful. Damn. Is he dreaming? He wrenches his eyes away. What the fuck happened?

He can't remember much or anything really. He remembers William obviously and the bar and endless rounds but William here in his bed, no. He reaches down under the duvet just to check again his jeans and he glances at William's body, yes, he is also dressed, wearing jeans and t-shirt that clings so tight to his body. Fuck, he doesn't remember William taking his hoodie off last night, he is positive that he would remember how fucking sexy this man looks without it.

He reaches for the glass of water, his moves are careful and slow but William makes noise from the other side of the bed, and Lennon shuts his eyes in frustration. He's usually not embarrassed by anything but now he's pretty sure he will have to face it. William reaches for him.

\- You alright? - his morning voice and worried tone cures Lennon's headache a little.

\- I'm... yeah... I think so. What happened? - he jumps right into it, if he made an idiot of himself he wants to know

\- You were.. well drunk. - he yawns and stretches his arms above his head - Like a lot drunk. - he laughs. - And everyone left so I had to bring you here. Which was a mission itself. - William speaks slowly reaching for his phone.

\- Fuck. William I'm so sorry. Why didn't you call Liam? You should've just left me there and gone home, Jorja or the lads would have picked me up.

\- Oh no believe me they wouldn't, they all just fucked of. You told them they should go because we have some important stuff to discuss alone. - Lennon closes his eyes in embarrassment and William just chuckles. - It was only you and me in the end, I couldn't just leave you alone.

\- I'm sorry. Shit.

\- Stop saying you're sorry it's what anyone normal would do. - William speaks like it's nothing while typing on his phone still lying in the bed.

\- Thank you so much, I'm an idiot. And you stayed the night when you probably had stuff to do... I'm ... Oh fuck, you told me you have work in the morning! What's the time now?

\- Well.. It's half past 11. I had a rehearsal at 9. It's fine. I messaged them it's not a big deal.

\- Shit. Wait rehearsal? Erm...

\- You don't remember where I work, do you? We talked about it last night.

\- Yeah...I... I kind of remember.

\- Where do I work, Lennon? - William is teasing him and barely containing his laughter.

\- You're enjoying my misery too much.

\- Yeah I am.- he smiles at Lennon - I work on Broadway.

Lennon is boyishly covering his head with the duvet because he actually doesn't want to be making a fool of himself anymore.  
Why does he care so much about ruining this man's day? He only met him last night. He's met random people in his life before embarrassing himself countless times and really didn't care. He has to apologize, it's Liam's friend after all. It's the least he can do.

\- William, I'm sorry one more time.- he says quietly still under the cover and William snorts, moving the duvet from Lennon's face.

\- Stop it. Go and shower you fool, you are evaporating alcohol. I'm gonna be on my way.

\- No, stay! - Lennon raises his raspy morning voice and props himself on his elbows. The loud voice makes William flinch in surprise - I'm going to shower but you stay. What I mean is I'm gonna make it up to you, please, I cannot just let you go after all you've done for me. - Lennon is rambling now. - Also I definitely want to hear everything about you working on Broadway, because, wow, I can't believe I don't remember that fact about you. - He's getting up and looking lost searching for something around a semi-dark hotel room, just a few rays of light managing to light up the space.

\- Here. My airplane ticket. Let's see.. My flight is at 11 tonight. And I presume you're off for the day. Thanks to this asshole - Lennon is theatrically pointing at himself making William chuckle from the bed.

\- So Mister Hamilton-Smith you're mine for the afternoon and I will make it up to you. - William studies him from the bed, a whisper of a smile nudging the corner of his lips. - Shhh no, shut up! I won't take no for an answer.

\- Oh dear, you're stubborn sober as much as drunk. - William rolls his eyes but he's very amused by this hangover Lennon.

\- I'll be done in a second. Don't leave William. - Lennon shouts closing the bathroom door behind him.

Shower makes him feel better but he just wants to finish up as soon as possible so he can go back and be in William's presence. That man is so genuinely nice and amazing, he has to make sure he doesn't hate him because of last night's escapade.  
When he leaves the bathroom a big white towel around his waist, droplets of water running down his tattooed body William is staring.

\- What? - Lennon interrupts his thoughts.

\- What what? - William is caught. Lennon smiles.

\- You're staring. - He is pulling up his clean underwear, the towel still covering everything and then removes it after the underwear is safely on. Then he puts jeans on and an old Champion sweatshirt a bit wrinkled from being days in his suitcase.

\- No I wasn't. You just look... funny with your hair wet like that. - William smiles nervously and shakes it off. - So where are you taking me? Do you know you're way around the city?

\- You'll see. I was here quite a few times visiting Liam. Do you want one of my clean hoodies? That one looks like shit. - Lennon sees William's green hoodie from last night on the floor.

\- Ok, if you don't mind. Yeah.. it's stinks of all the beer we spilled. Cheers.

\- Not a problem. Here, try this one, size should be ok. And I will give yours to Liam, you don't want to carry it with you now. I will see him when he comes to the UK in a few days. - Lennon hands him a simple black hoodie from his suitcase and after picking up his phone, rings and wallet they're out.


	6. Gold on the ceiling

It's still quite chilly for these last days of March but the sun rays are making everything better, Lennon holds his hand up, blinking away the spots in his vision. The two of them are smiling and talking about last night while taking the stairs down to Rector Street Subway station.

\- You didn't dry your hair properly, you will catch a cold. - William says to him jokingly and Lennon smiles looking him straight into his blue eyes, almost sickeningly blue -field of cornflower, perfect, cloudless sky blue. Someone should name a crayon after the guy.

\- Here, I will pull up the hood over my head. - Lennon responds laughing but actually means it. There's this unexplainable feeling of wanting to please William. - Anything for you, your highness. - he adds sarcastically. William raises his eyebrows like he likes the sound of that.

-I like you this obedient. -the words send funny feels to Lennon's stomach. - Wish you were like this last night when I needed to know your address.

The doors of the R-train are opened and they walk in. Gritty, industrial aesthetic of the New York subway is extremely appealing to Lennon. To him it represents what is best about the city, a place where people of every background, doing every activity imaginable are thrown together in a tight space and manage to exist. The train is half empty and they continue to joke about everything and nothing, their knees touching lightly, it feels like they're a couple of high school kids who skipped class and are now looking for adventure. William's laugh echoes through the carriage and most of the commuters look at him.

Lennon realises that people can't help but stare at him, William is a center of attention without even trying. He looks somewhat like a typical American jock but with a posh English accent and effortless charm. It's like he doesn't belong here, in this dirty train.

It's usually Lennon the one who is attracting looks because he was always told that he has a beautiful unusual, almost feminine looking face.

His brief modelling career in London in his late teens is a proof but Lennon really doesn't want to remember that period of his life now. He is not bothered by the fact that this man is stealing his spotlight. Most of the time, even though he rarely admits this to himself, he hates his face and attention he gets solely because of it. Now he's just joining everyone in this train and staring in awe at William's smile as he talks about how he took a wrong train in his first week in New York and ended up in Queens somewhere.  
They are on the Upper East Side now, from Central Park Lennon turns right onto 76th street and William follows him. Not long after they are seated in a classic old-time New York bar in comfy brown leather sofas. William looks around Bemelman Bar and he loves it. Walls are enchantingly bedecked in murals by Ludwig Bemelman, ceiling is covered in golden leaves and everything looks so luxurious and expensive but both of them fit right in.

\- Liam showed me this restaurant and I loved it, every time I'm in New York I try to go and explore different places but this restaurant feels so homey. Food is amazing too. - William listens to Lennon talk across him while pouring a bit of milk in his steaming hot cup of tea.

\- I heard about it before. Looks amazing. Although I feel like I should be wearing a suit not this. - William jokes while comfortable and jazzy lounge music plays in the background.

\- I wouldn't worry if I were you. You definitely look like you belong. I told you, you look pretty posh - he lets his eyes rest on William for a long moment before finally dragging his gaze away - Bet you would look rich wearing a black bin bag. And yeah, this place is pricey but please, don't worry about the money. - even though they are not super rich and famous Lennon definitely can live comfortably after this tour for a year at least, he thinks. Growing up poor and remembering all the problems that lack of money caused his family he is definitely not a typical rock star that will splash all the cash. He only looks like one.

\- Money is not a problem. - William coughs as if he's embarrassed to talk about money. Lennon thinks he might actually not have much, but he'll never judge a person for how much money they have in their bank account, but he won't push it, he lets him change the subject. - Anyway, how's your headache?

\- Not bad. Will be better after all this food- they order more than enough for two of them and drink their English breakfast teas from steaming mugs. William smiles significantly and the waiter brings them their orders.

\- You know... I really am so ashamed that you had to see me like that yesterday but also I am a little bit glad it happened as well, because now we get to spend more time together before I go back to London. You're fun to be around, William.

Did he say too much? Why did he say this at all? There's no reason to say stuff like this to an almost complete stranger, it sounds weird and desperate. Lennon was never good at hiding his feelings but he was good at not saying what he really meant to unimportant people.

With William though it's different. He makes him say things without thinking through, staring at him with those intense blue eyes like those bright lights in the interrogation room that detectives point at you if they want you to confess. Lennon thinks William is uncomfortable because he doesn't respond and the statement definitely catches him off guard. So he coughs and changes the subject.

They sit and sip their tea beneath this 24- karat gold leaf ceiling.

William's phone is ringing almost constantly during the brunch and even though he is successfully ignoring it most of the time because Lennon gets all his attention he has to apologize and reply to few messages and few phone calls.

\- Is it because you didn't go to work? - Lennon asks him guilt all over his face.

\- Yeah but it's fine. We're currently doing rehearsals for our musical, we are not yet to perform in front of an audience until next month. I've been working so hard, rehearsals 7 or 8 times a week.. I have this strict daily schedule that revolves around the show. It's exhausting so it's logical I got sick with the flu right? - William winks after saying this and Lennon nods at that and smiles.

\- So you're assistant director, if I understood right? That's pretty impressive.

\- I'm actually associate director, which makes me a bit more important than assistant. - William admits. - I'm on all creative meetings, I'm in charge of maintaining the quality for production, from giving notes to cast members to casting replacements to running rehearsals.

\- Wow, I would love to see your show. It's only fair, you saw my band yesterday.

\- Well we're still not as big of a production as some others, you might find it boring. It's a smaller theater with not so popular plays. - William laughs and eats the food in front of them- But I'm having so much fun. It's my dream. So I don't mind not doing Hamilton or Chicago at the moment, you know, it's about enjoying the ride. -

\- So why not try it in the West End?

\- I just... just wanted to try it out here, I guess. I can always come back home if this fails.

\- So this is something you always wanted to do? You said it was your dream?

\- I've actually been acting first, my mum was a ballerina and got me into all that, so I went to art school in London and was involved in a few plays. Then one of the Broadway casting directors was watching one of my plays and asked me to come to New York, he offered me a supporting role in his musical. I said yes and for the first year here I was acting mostly. But then I found other areas more interesting, I learnt from my directors and one of them invited me to be his associate.

\- Man, imagine if you actually wanted to be an actor. Hollywood wouldn't know what hit them. - Lennon flashes him his signature smirk and William licks his lips nervously.

\- Nah, don't think so... I would never be on the level that you are. You definitely get all the benefits with your type of performing.

\- Like what?

\- You know... sex, money and rock'n'roll.

\- Oh is that so? Are you trying to imply something? - Lennon asks him acting offended, but smiling all the time.

\- I've seen the queue of girls Lennon, it's one of those things, isn't it? If it's there for taking why not. - he smirks.

\- Well I agree. It's a bonus. But I'm sure I would be doing this even if it didn't make me rich and famous. Which I'm not by the way, we're not on that level yet. But music is all I want to do, forever, just be on that stage and perform. With 5 people in the audience or 5000 I don't care. - Lennon tells him honestly while pulling back his wavy long hair away from his eyes.

\- Yeah I know what you mean. Love the stage. Love music too, my uncle Pete used to take me to concerts all the time while I was growing up and I've been doing theatre all my life, even though it wasn't something I was expected to do. - William laughs at the memory.

\- What do you mean?

\- Well my dad didn't want me to go to art school. He made me take business and management courses. Anyway my mum was ok with whatever I wanted to do, so I had her support. At least when she was alive. But my dad had other plans for me, he has this big family business that they obviously wanted me to get involved with and I hated the idea of sitting in one office all my life.

\- Yeah, me too, always on the move. On some bus or a plane.

-Gypsy life. - William smiles.

\- Exactly.

\- Until you find your home. - William adds wisely. Lennon looks at his eyes significantly.

-So is New York your home? You settled here?

\- Um.. for the moment, yeah.. I'm happy here. Miss England terribly but I also ran away from there for a reason so, yeah.. But home is not a place, a country where you're born or go to work. I think of it as a feeling. Home is a feeling you have when you're with people you love and that can be wherever you are in the world. But you're young, you're in no rush to think about that.

\- I'm not that young, please, everyone thinks I'm a baby. I'm 24. How old are you?

\- I'm 26. Sorry. Didn't mean to call you immature or ... - William shifts in his seat- You just... look, y...your face looks young but it's not a bad thing. You look fine...

\- It's ok I'm not upset, relax. - It is so amusing watching him being nervous like that. Actually the whole conversation was so much fun and Lennon takes in every word, it hits him without warning. He could be sitting here for days only listening William speak about life, work.. Grapes, whatever. He is nodding at everything he says but the waiter is here with the bill and Lennon sadly realises the time with William has come to end. He pays with his card and starts to panic internally.  
It's over, he took him out for brunch to say thank you for taking care of him last night, but brunch is over now, there are no more reasons to convince him to stay. He doesn't even know why he wants to stay, he has a suitcase to pack for tonight. But William is great and he will just go for it. Maybe they actually become really good friends. So they say thank you to the staff and William starts walking out. Lennon is thinking what to say and he is thinking how all this reminds him of the time when he asked his crush to go get ice-cream in year 8. What the fuck is this feeling? He feels dumb and confused.

\- So William would you maybe like to go get some... ice-cream? - Nice one, Lennon he thinks to himself and wants to disappear.

\- Or beer? Just any drink? Or whatever? You know.. I was just thinking why not, it's such a lovely sunny day. And I know you're off. What do you say?


	7. Wild eyed

Just outside the Carlyle Rosewood Hotel where Bemelmans Bar is, Lennon is smiling widely showing all his teeth and dimples hoping that might help in persuading William not to go home. William is shaking his head in defeat.

\- Come on then. - he replies and Lennon would smile harder if he could.

\- Yes mate. I'm so done with hotel rooms, I really don't want to go back. - Lennon offers that as a reason.

\- But there's one thing that I actually have to do. I have to take my dog out for a walk, I wasn't home this morning. So do you mind coming with me? We can take him out and then there's a pub I like, we can go there.

\- No, I don't mind at all. Poor thing. Nina couldn't do it? - Lennon is curious.

\- Well we don't live together and also she's on the set all day. Otherwise I would ask her.

\- Shit.

\- It might possibly be some shit there, you're absolutely right. - William jokes.

\- I promise if the dog pissed or pooped in your flat I would clean it, because that would be my fault too. - Lennon declares.

\- You bet.

William decides they will take a taxi to his flat in West Village so he lifts his arm and a famous yellow car stops to pick them up shortly. You have to have a certain skill to hail a taxi in New York City and this man surely has it. After approximately half an hour they arrive at 39 Christopher Street and William tells him to wait for him while he quickly goes to get the dog.

Lennon takes his phone and discovers missed calls and messages from his band mates probably worried about him because he's not in his hotel room. He decides to give some sign of life, he scrapes his dirty white Converse on the pavement, one hand stuffed in the pocket while the other dials Jorja's number.

\- Hey Jorja, you alright?

\- Where the fuck are you? - his dearest Jorja, he loves her feisty attitude so much.

\- Just out and about. You know.

\- Out and a.. What does that even mean? We have a flight tonight you know? You're coming back to the hotel any time soon? - she shouts.

\- Yeah yeah chill out. It's only 3 o'clock and I will be there in a few hours. I'm just hanging out with William. - he says that with caution not sure if Jorja remembers him, considering they were all quite drunk the night before.

\- William Hamilton-Smith? Oh ... Okay...

\- It's not like that. Your dirty mind. He has a girlfriend. And is straight. We're just hanging out. Yeah, so don't worry, I'm not dead in some back alley. - Lennon knows how protective Jorja is of him and it warms his heart.

\- I do worry, you wanker, especially after we all got pissed last night. - she seriously tells him and just sighs deeply. - Fine. Let me know when you're back at your room. And say hi to William, he's seems like a cool bloke.

Lennon hangs up and sees William getting out of his building with a beagle on a leash, pulling eagerly.

\- Lennon, meet Cooper.

\- Hey buddy! So sorry you didn't get to pee in a while.

Lennon speaks to him in baby talk while getting down on his knees and ruffling dogs soft fur, a combination of white, tan and black and he seems very affectionate and energetic. Lennon gets so excited by this, maybe even more than the dog for going out. The reason is because he gets the chance to know more about William, he met his dog - that's important. He knows where he lives. Yes, why is that important? He will think about that later but maybe they can all hang out here with Liam when Lennon comes back to New York.  
So they go to the nearby park, walk around a bit, let Cooper sniff a few bushes and William points his finger to the direction they should go.

\- I'm taking you to my favourite pub. It's just around the corner. And it's dog friendly.

Just on the corner of 7th Ave and 10th there's Galway Hooker and Lennon bursts out laughing.

\- What? - William acts all innocent and clueless like he doesn't know Lennon is laughing at the pub name.

\- Love it. I'm taking Jorja here next time, she's half Irish.

\- Galway hooker is actually a type of traditional fishing boat in Ireland. And also there's a pale ale with that name, don't know what you're laughing at.

William jokes and Lennon looks at him amused, wondering if he's actually joking or he really knows these random facts. He decides he will google it later.  
They take a seat by the window. Lennon is taking in the surroundings. It's cozy and dusky. Comfortable green seats, the kind you can lounge about in for hours. Plain old tables, wooden floor and ceiling, decent selection of ales and beer at the bar. Jukebox and table football in the corner and bartenders who recognise locals and have their drink ready when they see you walk in. It's so William. Cooper sits down next to Lennon's leg and he pats his head gently, thinking how long has it been since he's done normal things like this, having lunch with a friend or taking a dog for a walk. He doesn't think he's ever done it. Not with the way he lives his life.

\- Everything alright, sad eyes? - William's voice is so close and the words make him swallow a thick lump in his throat and keep his gaze on the dog, his arms prickling with goosebumps.

\- Sad? - he can't figure out what to say to that, he needs to shake this feeling off, he doesn't like feeling so exposed. - Hair of the dog? - he decides to make a terrible joke instead, pointing at the pints in William's hands.

\- I got us two Brooklyn Lagers. Is it bad we're already drinking after moaning about being hungover all day?

\- It's not drinking, it's only one pint. - Lennon states before siping cold lager from a cold glass, water droplets are forming by condensation on the outside.  
William is watching this simple action with so much interest, and Lennon notices. He knows a man with that look, but it can't be? Can it? Lennon is making an art out of one sip of beer now, only for a few seconds but that's enough to catch William's eyes going wide.  
Lennon's rosy lips move to taste refreshing drink and frothy foam on top of beer leaving white trail on his upper lip. It should be funny because it's making him look like he has white mustache. But Lennon nonchalantly licks his top lip, his tongue slowly removing the excess foam all the while looking straight into William's eyes.

\- I just love head. Some people don't. Do you love head? - Lennon breaks the silence.

\- Um. .. What? - William is shocked by the question and uncomfortably shifts in his seat. Lennon loves the reaction, even though he knows he can't do anything with it, he knows this man is not for him in any way but to be friends with.

\- Head, on a beer, foam? Some people don't like to drink it.

Lennon tries to sound like the words he's saying don't have double meaning. He didn't really try to find out if William likes sucking dick. Did he? He doesn't want to make this lovely man uncomfortable. He won't flirt even though the only image he has in his mind now is William licking away the white foam from Lennon's upper lip. Licking something white from... Fuck. The image is on repeat, like a glitch.

\- Yeah.. yeah, I do, I guess ... I don't mind. - William smiles shyly and looks away, like he's searching for something around the pub. - God, I miss English pubs. -he adds. And that's a queue for Lennon to drop whatever he is doing there, pushing the images away, and focusing on new topics of conversation. He can't shake off William's answer though, it could mean he doesn't mind sucking cock.

\- I know, there are some amazing ones.

\- Looking forward to going back home? You live in London right? - William asks.

\- Yeah, but I grew up just north of London, in Stevenage. I'm just sharing a flat in Camden with Jorja at the moment. Not looking forward much. - at least not after today, he thinks but he doesn't say- Our American tour is over so we get to rest for a few weeks but then have to start writing a new album. Are you going back home any time soon? - Lennon really wants to know.

\- Yeah actually, not sure the date yet gotta check with Charlotte, my sister. It's her engagement party sometime in April.

\- That's nice. - and they talk about everything else but beer head. At one point Lennon looks at his watch and realises that he would be definitely leaving soon.

\- Do you have to go? - William asks, finishing his drink. - You know, I could drive you to your hotel.

\- Oh. You have a car? - that surprises him, for a young man at only the beginning of his career he has a flat in one of the most expensive areas for housing and owns a car? Well he is dating Nina Perry, so maybe that's why, he thinks. - No, you don't have to do that, it's really not necessary.

\- Come on, it's fine. I usually use the subway because it's sometimes easier to take the subway then driving in the City but let's go, I really don't mind. I wouldn't offer if I do.

William smiles gently at Lennon and Lennon obviously says yes.


	8. A rush of blood to the head

They have to go up to William's flat to leave Cooper and pick up the car keys. Once they are inside Lennon is excited again because he gets to know another part of William's life - where he lives. And that part is just blowing Lennon's mind. It is an open plan floor, welcoming from the opened door, not too big but big for this part of the city. Upon walls there are pictures of William's family and friends and Nina. There is one framed Broadway musical poster, probably one of musicals William works on. The floor is an old-fashioned parquet with a blend of deep brown and the walls are red brick. The furniture is rustic and dark but pleasing, all the more pleasing, the table in the middle of this place has union jack colours, few newspapers and a used mug on top. Lennon wants to sink in the brown leather sofa when he sees it and never move. He walks slowly around, sees a little kitchen with a small dining table and really big modern fridge, and on the other side of the room he notices the bedroom area and he's sure the bed is from some high end Scandinavian designer. There is a big mirror, and long windows across the walls had roller blinds.

\- I just love your place. Wow. - he enunciates the word love and William thanks him.

\- My sister did most of it, she was into this industrial style apartment and I liked it. It's kind of too manly, right? - he jokes while taking the leash of his dog and letting him flop on the big sofa.

\- Definitely manly. - Lennon agrees and thinks about it more than he should. Again, that feeling of attraction towards this man mixed with sadness. Lennon doesn't feel that much really, he usually meets someone new, if they're hot they fuck and nothing else comes of it, but today it was a rollercoaster of these different feelings about only one person. He does definitely feel attracted to William and he can admit that to himself now, standing in his manly, rugged flat and looking so, so manly now wearing Lennon's clothes that hide probably a very fit body. He told him he works out every day.

\- I must go.

Lennon has to get the hell away from there right now. Because this man is straight and even though he did notice glimpses of William's behavior that might say different he is not a freak to make a move on a man in a relationship after meeting his girlfriend. Both being Liam's close friends, he knows how bad that can turn out. He can have any other man he wants, there's few in his contact list that he can call right now. They could take care of him if he's horny. Can they take care of this annoying feeling of sadness because he's leaving this man and maybe never seeing him again?

\- Oh yeah, sure, just give me a minute, I'm going to get my keys. Do... Do you want a quick drink maybe? - William is back to being insecure, like he was in a pub when Lennon was flirting with him. Not flirting, definitely not flirting, just testing. And insecure William is a sight that intrigues Lennon - I'm such a shitty host, didn't even offer you anything. - William walks slowly to the kitchen. But keeping his eyes on Lennon like he really wants him to say yes.

\- Sure. - Lennon mutters under his breath. Unsure of what is happening. Is he reading William wrong. Maybe it is all his imagination. Or hope. William comes back to that spot where Lennon is standing handing him a bottle of water. He can't read William's face but it's different then before. He's just going crazy, he's throat is dry, he realises and thanks him for this water. And then he watches Lennon opening the bottle and drinking eagerly. William moves restlessly in his spot trying not to look at Lennon's face but failing.

\- Lennon, I ... - William's deep almost whispering and timid voice is interrupted by Lennon's phone ringing. His heart skips a beat, because the phone startled him not because William looked like he is going to ask Lennon something really important.

\- Fuck. I'm so sorry. -he goes digging for his phone in his back pocket.

\- No, no please, answer it.

\- It's probably the guys, they're so annoying I can't e... - he stops talking when he sees the caller ID. He lets it ring once more because he can't believe this guy is calling him at this very moment. And then he realises William sees the name on his phone because he is standing just one step away from him.

\- Aren't you going to get that? - William asks him with an amused expression on his face. He read the caller's name. It says Fuckbuddy NYC. He swipes the green dot to answer not looking William in the eyes for some reason.

\- What? - He answers already wanting to end the call because he literally has nothing to say to this guy. But they fucked twice so he must have been planning their wedding. He says something about wanting to see Lennon again and how he is free now and forever basically, so Lennon just says no and stops actually listening to him. He's focusing on William in front of him, he still has his eyes on Lennon, drinking water from his bottle and then leaving it on the table near them. Lennon is being slightly rude now and says how he's leaving New York tonight and asks him not to call him ever again. That's when he hangs up and huffs pushing his hair back.

\- Who was that? And what did they do to you, you were so rude? - William laughs questioning Lennon about the phone conversation.

\- Nobody. Just this guy I fucked and he didn't take a hint that he was a one time thing. - he decides to say it was once not twice. It sounds better. He doesn't want to disappoint William. Wants to be good, the best possible version of himself. It's such a confusing feeling and he doesn't know where it's coming from. He turns around to put his water bottle on the table as well but gets surprised when William talks.

\- Guy? You're gay? - Lennon widens his eyes and opens his mouth to speak but doesn't. William actually asks him if he's gay. What?

\- What? - that's all he manages to say.

\- S...Sorry that's inappropriate. - William is going through some kind of internal shock because his eyes are blinking fast. Lennon's heart is beating faster.

\- No it's not. I am, I mean I am whatever, I sometimes like girls too, rarely though, it's guys I'm attracted to. I thought you knew, that's why I was surprised you asked. - Lennon comes a bit closer just because his body wants to move that way, he doesn't actually have control over it.

\- Is that a problem? - Lennon asks him because William has a frown on his face, the blue in his eyes half-sinister, wild. He can't be homophobic. This is something else. He's scared of his reaction. They are approximately the same height, but William somehow appears much bigger now.

\- No.

William replies, his gaze is pulling Lennon in. And then William is leaning closer, his eyes traveling to Lennon's lips.  
This man's face is too perfect, Lennon thinks. The next he knows, William's lips are on Lennon's and it nearly knocks all wind from his lungs. He hardly has a moment to react before William's tongue pierces Lennon's lips and swoops in like he owns him.  
It is a very sloppy kiss for a few seconds. And then Lennon seems to finally realise what is going on. William just kissed him. It's like he wants to smother him, it's bruising, his mouth is all over Lennon's, slipping his tongue inside with such passion it feels like they are inventing their own kiss, he thinks for a moment they will melt, merge into one person. So his arms reach up and tangle around William's neck. He doesn't want to let this end. In an instant William arches up into his chest, moaning at the contact of body heat against his own.

And kissing has never felt this delightful, it has never been this heart-rendering, no. Dreamlike. With every push of William's tongue he feels closer to heaven. He knows, because he's been living in hell so far and this right here, this is pulling him away from it.

As they break apart they inhale shaky, shallow breaths, a string of spit connecting their swollen lips, and he is completely mesmerised. William's eyes are still closed but he looks so beautiful, so flushed and Lennon has a hard-on he is sure will never disappear. Lennon is typically the one to dominate or control the kiss, but nothing about this is typical. Maybe because he was so surprised by it or maybe because he just wants to let William do whatever he wants with him - inexplicable feeling of wanting to please him showing again.

They begin pulling at each other. The heat generated makes Lennon sweat in his clothes so his hands clutch William's hoodie at the back trying to tell him that he wants it off. The action pulls their bodies together more pressing his hard cock onto William's thigh. Feeling Lennon's dick, William moans and the sound sends Lennon into a fury, because there's no confusion that he wants this. Separating their bodies and grabbing at his hoodie William starts undressing Lennon, and this is the first time they looked at each other's eyes. William's blue ones are screaming with lust and he bites his lip yearning for more kisses. Lips meet. Tongues meet. Again.

\- L- Lennon...

He hears William's trembling voice calling his name somewhere on the way to his sofa, he thinks that's where they're going, he lost all sense of space and time, William is pushing them there, barely breaking the contact.

\- Lennon, please... I'm... aaah - that's when Lennon starts kissing his neck making William shiver and breathe in a sharp breath. The milky skin of his neck, the smell of him - he needs to see the skin under the clothes because wherever his palms roam it's hard, it's warm, it's muscle.

\- I can't. Stop. Lennon, s-stop please! Fuck.

Lennon's brain is finally able to comprehend words and he stops.


	9. Drive

Red in his face, he blows out the air that he was holding in and sits back on the couch, the one he almost had William on. He can hear William's heavy breathing but he can't look at him. He just needs to calm down and clear his head off William's smell. Off William's touch. Off William's tongue. Off William. William.

\- William? - he manages to say slowly searching for his eyes, hoping they will give him an answer. But he is pulling on his hair urgently pacing up and down the flat, lost in his thoughts.

\- Lennon, um.. you have to leave.- no no no no, that's what Lennon thinks, he is kicking him out, everything is ruined, he will never see William again in his miserable life.

\- You're going to be late for your flight. Let's go.

He's not looking at Lennon, just telling him to get up and then searching for what seems to be car keys in some bowl on top of a shoe rack. Lennon is surprised and doesn't really know how to react so he just gets up, adjusts his aching hard length in his tight jeans and decides to let William take his time and deal with this when he's ready.

\- You don't have to drive me, please, it's fine, I ca...

\- Let's go.

William looks at him finally, nodding in the direction of the door while jiggling car keys in his hand impatiently. Hair a mess, eyebrows frowned, lips a darker shade of red - evidence of beautiful sin. Lennon obeys and they leave without a word.

They are in a silver Land Rover, driving the streets of Manhattan, tension spreading over the car and making the small space they are in even smaller. William, whose firm and painful grip on the wheel had remained since the journeys started, keeps his eyes on the road completely ignoring the man sitting next him. The silence irritates Lennon. William's white knuckles irritate him. Hopeless confusion on both of their faces is not going away and he has to do something. The car suddenly stops at the red light and William curses annoyed he didn't make the green light.

\- Should we talk about.. you know.. about what happened? - The sound of Lennon's voice fills the car and it startles William a bit.

\- No.

\- So we'll just pretend it didn't happen?

\- Yes.

\- Um.. but.. I..Will, I think we should talk about it. At least let me apologize. I'm sorry.

Fuck, he called him Will, he didn't think properly, his brain doesn't really know how to deal with situations like this, Lennon never really had moments of awkward silences after making out with anyone. He never cared. He just wants to go back to how it was before the kiss. He even apologizes and he will beg on his knees if he has to, just to make things right and normal between him and William again. He's ready to never ever kiss him again if it means that things will be ok between them. That he doesn't despise Lennon because of this.

\- Why are you saying sorry? I kissed you first. - William replies, his grip on the steering wheel tightened firmly.

\- I know you did. But I.. kissed you back - Lennon instantly closing his eyes at the memory. They said it, they acknowledged it therefore it happened, Lennon thinks this is a good start.

\- I have a girlfriend, Lennon, I shouldn't have done it. I'm not like that. I... I don't cheat. I just don't know what the fuck's gotten into me. - he breathes out starting to drive as the red changes to green.

\- Don't feel so guilty please, I think I would have kissed you eventually if you haven't done it. - Lennon tries to smile to ease the tension. - I have been thinking about it since last night. I just thought you're.. not into guys. - fuck it. He will be honest, it can't go worse than this.

\- It doesn't matter who I'm into, Lennon. I'm in a relationship. I'm faithful, always been. I love her and we're happy and I fucking cheated on her.

That hurt a bit. Why, he doesn't know. But Lennon wants to get the fuck out of this car now, realization hitting him hard - he will probably not see William again any time soon - because of this tiny little pond by the name of Atlantic between them, they will not be good friends - when Liam invites William to hang out with them William will probably decline when he finds out Lennon will be there, and they will not be more than friends either - William loves his girlfriend and they are happy together.  
So he really wants to open his door and jump out of this moving steel box. He looks at the cars around and wishes one of them slammed into theirs. There's nothing to talk about anymore. The drive continues. If an accident doesn't kill them perhaps the silence will.

William obviously knows where Lennon's hotel is so he doesn't ask anything and eventually he pulls up in front of the tall skyscraper just next to the World Trade Center memorial. Two empty square pools where Twin Towers stood, a metaphor for absence and loss and after Lennon leaves this car there will be a loss in his life he is sure.

\- Thank you. For the drive. And everything today. - he unbuckles his seatbelt.

\- No worries. - William watches people passing by them on the pavement. - Um... Have a safe flight home.

\- Thank you. - Lennon is whispering, he wants to say something else. Anything. He reaches for the door. And then suddenly turns around towards William making him look. They stare at each other without words.

\- I just want you to know that I would like for us to stay friends William, we got on so well ... I know we only know each other for a day but, honestly.. if you ever need anything I am here for you. - William is now looking down into his hands that are in his lap, Lennon still rambling, only wanting to leave that thought there, a glimmer of hope. - And don't worry I won't say anything about what happened. We'll just forget about it. Ok? Just... wanted you to know that.

William's eyes are showing so much emotion but Lennon is unable to completely understand it. He knows he needs to leave William to deal with this by himself so he turns to leave the car.

\- Lennon?

Lennon looks at him excited, one foot already outside of the car.

\- Thank you. Thank you for saying that.

He gives him a tired smile and Lennon nods in agreement and leaves.


	10. Heathrow

\- Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to move? - a security guard says tapping him on the shoulder.  
\- S... Sorry about that. - it's all he says coming back to reality and then moves in the queue of people that are obediently taking their shoes and watches off before going through a metal detector.  
It is late in the evening , but JFK airport is buzzing, once inside the terminal building one can not tell if it is daytime or nighttime. Sam shoots him a worried look but Lennon ignores it, he wasn't talking much the whole way to the airport. Jorja and Nate are already somewhere in the duty free, the airport looking more like a shopping mall so they are not actually paying attention to Lennon. He likes it that way.

He longs for his plane to be delayed - so that he might be forced to spend a bit more time in New York. He doesn't want to share this with anyone but secretly he hopes for a hydraulic leak from the aircraft or a brutal storm that would shut down the runway. Disappointingly the plasma screens of departure times on the walls of the airport are showing that his flight to London Heathrow is on time. He puts his black leather boots back on making his way to the gate, hair in a messy bun, black jeans paired with a simple grey t-shirt and black smart overcoat.  
Walking through the sea of faces moving in different directions, some looking like they are waiting for a bus others like they are children going to see Santa himself. People sit in chairs staring at their phones, people in bars having a drink to calm their nerves before the long haul flight - or at least that's what they use as an excuse. People running like crazy because they are late for their flight or crying because they missed it. Lennon could write a book about airports. Strange places that seem to exist in their own parallel universe. Things that would seem bizarre or outlandish outside the confines of the terminal buildings are simply part of everyday life in airports. Why else then would people decide to go to the bar for a pint at 7am in the morning, eager to start drinking before even the sun has fully risen? It's the place he loves and hates.

\- What's up with you? - he hears Sam's voice next to him. - Thought you'd be happy we're going home. Just don't tell me you are sad you won't be seeing my pretty face every day.

\- You're right Sammy boy, I don't know how will I cope without those cheekbones.

He smiles at his tall blond friend pinching his cheeks ignoring the question. He and Sam didn't always get along, in the beginning their relationship was nothing more than profesional, Sam was only a drummer of his band, never really into hanging out with the rest of them, keeping to himself and ignoring Lennon whenever he tried to break that strange wall that Sam built.  
Lennon thought Sam was weird. An amazing musician who fit perfectly into their sound. But weird. Lennon's bubbly outgoing nature didn't seem to win Sam's affection like it did every other person who Lennon met and that struck his chord.  
He was oddly shy and reserved to people who didn't know him, usually not smiling much, not talking much, barely ever responded to any advances of the numerous girls that showed interest in that handsome body and gorgeous face. When he did talk in his thick geordie accent he would probably say something smart that would blow everyone's mind.  
But once Sam lets you in his world you would get a friend for life and then your life would be that much better because Sam was great and you would feel special knowing that only a few can get that privilege of being Sam's friend.  
So Lennon felt special after Sam let him in and showed him his world. They share the same interest in art and books, they both bring their skateboards on tour, they go record shopping. Yes, Nate and Liam are his brothers and he knows them the longest and Jorja gives him safety only an older sister or mother could but Sam is his platonic soul mate.  
But at this very moment Lennon didn't want to share what is on his mind today, to Sam or anyone else really. He definitely couldn't share what happened between him and William.

After a while the band and their team enter Boeing 787 with the destination London Heathrow and the flight attendant shows them their seats in business class. He sits by the window and puts his headphones in his ears in an attempt to stop any more questions from his friends but Jorja sits next to him and pulls one ear piece out. Lennon rolls his eyes.

\- Look what I bought. - she is taking an expensive looking pair of sunglasses out of the bag and puts them on Lennon. - Mhmmm I knew you could pull it off. You can keep them. - she decides while looking at Lennon's unimpressed face with sunglasses, the label still hanging on the side.

\- I was listening to something, leave me be.

\- Wow. How about thank you Jorja for being such a great friend and getting me these really expensive sunglasses?

\- Why would you get me anything anyway? - Lennon questions taking the sunglasses off and giving them back to Jorja.

\- Just, you know, you looked like you needed cheering up. But whatever. I will keep them. - she acts offended and mumbles something that sounds almost like you ungrateful prick.

\- I'm sorry, ok? - Lennon changes his tone a bit and kisses her cheek. - Thank you Jorja, you are a great friend. - He says it sticking his tongue out.

\- You sure you're ok? Something happened today? - she questions him like she actually knows something happened. She is always good at reading people and he hates that now.

\- No. I'm just tired, I had a busy afternoon, that's all. - he puts the earpiece back fastening his seatbelt, distancing himself from everyone and Jorja decides she won't bother him anymore. While the rest of the passengers sit down and the cabin crew gets everything ready for take off, Lennon takes his journal and pen from the bag and starts writing. If he can't say anything to anyone about William he can write it down. Jorja smiles to herself in her seat after seeing this, knowing something big must've happened that would make Lennon write again.


	11. Feelin' way too damn good

William POV

William is on his second glass of champagne and he's been here only 10 minutes. He hates his father's big mansion, his beautiful garden and crispness of his suit tailored to perfection, likely in a high end London tailor's shop.

The place he grew up in is enormous. White moldings decorated the sides of the building, and dark stone clad the walls in a simple, elegant manner, three sash windows wide and three stories high, it just screamed wealth and fame and history. Walls inside are covered in paintings, maybe hundreds of them, old and new, his father is pretentious like that, have to own pieces of art that have famous signatures on them.

The huge mahogany table takes up most of the vast space the dining room offers. The walls are covered with shimmering wall paper and in the middle of the ceiling above the table is a candelabra. The polished silver cutlery shines brightly in the late afternoon light. At each place stands a tall empty wine glass and there are beautifully folded napkins.

William doesn't want to be here.

How many times had he gone home for Christmas or birthdays, only to sit quietly and zone out while everyone got drunk and talked about topics he had no interest in. Everything about this house reminds him of his relationship with his father and also of the fact that his mother, the only person he cared about in this house isn't alive anymore. He does love spending time with his sister, and misses her constantly but his uncles and aunts together with their children not so much.  
It's Charlotte's engagement party and if it wasn't for his sister and her special day he would probably not show up at all. He's still jet lagged from his flight from New York yesterday and now he has to sit here and try to avoid his father. And Nina. Luckily the weather is lovely in Surrey today and drinks are constantly available so he thinks he will manage with that help.

\- You might want to slow down babe, it's your second glass already and the food's not even out.

No, she won't count his glasses of champagne, he's not a teenager and she's not his fucking mother, he thinks while downing the glass looking straight into Nina's big dark brown eyes. Wearing an elegant, pale beige pantsuit with a string of pearls at her neck she smiles uncomfortably not letting anyone at the table know how upset she actually is. She's an actress after all. William doesn't care, he is enjoying this. In the last couple of weeks Nina did manage to piss him off more than usual.

Just when he thought he was a master of his thoughts fate takes a new turn. Emotions come taking him somewhere different to the place he had expected. It's beautiful and has gorgeous blue green eyes and soft dark hair yet he is afraid because it is all new and his heart beats all the harder.

*

_There's something about him. When he sees him enter the backstage room, his loose hair falling around his shoulders, slight pink tinge to his cheeks, t-shirt wet from the sweat clinging to his body. His eyes are regarding him with a mild interest. He realises then that he has to talk to him, be close to him. Watching his mouth, the shape of it and the tone of the voice that escapes it doing things to him. Confusing him, making him blush. A beauty spot sits just below the corner where his lips meet._

_-And don't worry William, I won't allow her to steal your thunder. You'll get your chance later to show me what you've got. - Lennon's voice is the only thing he hears in a loud crowded room and even though his girlfriend is next to him he only has eyes for Lennon. He is dangerous._

_Lennon swipes a hand through his damp hair and strands stick up in different directions making him look like a dishevelled school boy._

_It's just another ruse to hide the danger within._

_The nearness of Lennon is making his skin itch, he smells delicious, like sweet watermelon bubble gum, sweat and warm summer nights. It reminds him of those days when he was lying on the concrete edge of the swimming pool of his house, in rare occasions summer in England reached temperatures above 30 degrees Celsius, his one leg dipped in the cool water and his eyes on the script, memorizing the lines for his school play._

_He is more than danger. He is deadly. Like a witcher. Like a siren that lures the prey with song and beauty before devouring it._

_*_

He is going to that place quite often in the past couple of weeks. When the sun sets, just before he falls asleep, then when he wakes up, maybe even in his dreams. In the shower when he touches himself more often than it's normal, he thinks. And he tried to push it all away. After Lennon left his car he felt empty and alone. Just like those pools at the World Trade Center memorial.

Then he went home and called Nina, desperate to feel that flatter of butterfly wings in his stomach like he did when he was listening to Lennon talk. She was busy at work and started complaining about misunderstanding with her director and her voice wasn't sexy at all, it was high pitch annoying and didn't do anything but make William end the conversation sooner than later. He felt guilty, he was ashamed of what he did, and of this feeling that he had now- because he loved her. He was sure of it.

They were together for almost a year and a half, since they worked on a project in Broadway theater when William was just starting out. She was lovely and funny and just beautiful and was very interested in him, and he wasn't stupid to turn down a gorgeous girl like her. He didn't know a lot of people and being from England he felt even more foreign in this new job, but she helped him so much. She introduced him to all the right people, she stayed late every night with him when he needed to rehearse and his family adored her. Not that he cared what his family thought but it felt like for the first time he did something right in his life that his father approved.

So in the past two weeks after Lennon appeared and disappeared from his life all he was trying to do is to spend more time with Nina and search for all the things he loved about her in the beginning.  
She is kind and smart. But doesn't have that childish innocent type of kindness so genuine without even trying.  
She is beautiful and attractive. But doesn't look like Michelangelo's creation after shower and there's no sunshine in her smile.  
She is funny. But actually not that funny.  
She turns him on. But never did she send shock right through him, set goosebumps on his arms, shivers down his spine with just one look or unintentional touch.

Lennon has that kind of face that stops you in your tracks. Everyone seems to love him, they're drawn to him. William saw it in the way they hang on his words and smile at everything he would say no matter how dumb it might sound. They wanted to be close to him just like he did since he saw him on that stage and then went backstage to talk to him.  
William definitely listened to the band, his life was always filled with music, both for work and his own pleasure but he never went further in exploring the band then downloading their album on his Spotify and catching them on TV in couple of English talk shows. And then Liam said the lead singer and the guitarist are his mates and he has a ticket to the show, if he wanted to come with him. He loved live rock concerts so that was a no brainer.  
Then he saw Lennon on stage. But it wasn't enough, the pull was so strong, the need to find out more, to see up close, because the face and the performance didn't match the sadness of the majority of the lyrics of the songs. It was a mystery he thought he would solve by meeting the man, or at least seeing him up close. He asked Liam if he could come with him to the backstage. He didn't really want to admit to himself that it's for anything other than just pure curiosity about meeting the man who wrote those beautiful heavy lyrics, definitely not the fact that he was ridiculously hot.  
Nina was with him, and even if she wasn't, never before he had an inappropriate thought about another person while in a relationship with her. Yes, he could acknowledge attractive people but certainly never wanted to be with them.

So after meeting Lennon, seeing his post-concert appearance he was stunned - he's handsome no doubt, but inside he was a beautiful disaster. Sure, his overly bright smile and grossly good posture, his overall presence was almost too much for the typical American bar they were in. Words like superstar, prince, demigod come to mind.

Then he thought a boy; they were around the same age, Lennon just a couple of years younger then William but something about him - the combination of his baby face and something that says pretentious, spoiled, careless, made him think of him as a child, a teenager who needs a good telling off. His laugh was sometimes like a childish whine other times smooth purr.

He often shamelessly checked out obviously beautiful, gorgeous people in his surroundings but he was also aware of how gorgeous he was. Words like player, flirt, heartbreaker, tempter, come to mind.

And then there were moments of undivided attention he would give you if you peaked his interest for whatever reason, and then he's kind, observant and a good listener. He would ask you questions that seemed ridiculous but turned out to be genius and profound. Like he wanted to know you and connect with you. Whether he actually wanted to or it was just his bubbly nature William couldn't find out in such a short time. He was humble when he talked about his success, respectful of his bandmates and team and definitely made you feel special. At least William did after he spent almost all night in the bar in his company.

But after he found out that Lennon liked men, all those different aspects of his personality mixed with little signals that Lennon was sending him during the day, came back like an explosion, he just physically couldn't stop himself.

He didn't want to kiss him.

A thousand paths that lead to his destruction would begin with kissing that man.

He did it anyway.

His body instantly rushed to be closer to Lennon and taste those plump sinful lips that were subconsciously imprinted in his mind since the moment he first smiled at William.

They tasted like strawberries and watermelon and the apocalypse of his sanity.

He couldn't explain it.

Thoughts of Lennon dissolve as he concentrates on a champagne flute in his hand. It could have been minutes or hours he doesn't know. Guests at the party are cheerfully chatting, champagne is constantly flowing and he is thinking how to escape this place without upsetting Charlotte. He dabs his mouth with a napkin and stands up from the table. He walks out into the spacious lobby, decorated with stylish antiques, cold and familiar. He is about to go ask Nina if they could go back to his hotel because there's no way he will stay in this house overnight but that is stopped by a man he was successfully ignoring the whole day.

\- William. How have you been son? - his voice echoes through the foyer.

\- I was just leaving actually.

\- Not so fast. We didn't get a chance to catch up. How's that play thing doing, you're still into dancing in tights in front of people? - William looks at his father with a fake smile because this is exactly what he is used to hearing from him. It doesn't bother him anymore. He replies with something sarcastic he can't really engage much in this conversation even if he wanted, all of a sudden realising how drunk he is. After a few seconds of uncomfortable silence his father looks through the large window at Nina who is chatting with guests next to the pool in the big garden.

\- She's an amazing girl, William. Still can't comprehend how you managed to keep her all this time. God, I am so glad that the faze you were in University is long gone. - William shivers at his father's words, memories coming back to his drunken mind, making him sick. Making him hate this man even more. But he stays silent. - We think you should propose soon? It would be nice, wouldn't you agree?

\- We? - William's eyes go wild at these words.

\- Well, I and uncle Pete, and Charlotte obviously. The whole family. I mean, what is with the long wait. It's t..

\- Really?! Uncle Pete? So that's why you want me to marry her, I knew you had something else in mind not actually wanting me to get married out of, I don't know, love? Great, just great.

\- Calm down William. No need to be dramatic. You know your uncle wants you to take his spot when he retires and that will be soon. If you're married and start a family it would just look better for the board and public. They would be more accepting, you will appear more serious, more responsible. Let's not kid ourselves, you don't have much of a similar job experience on your resume.

\- I'm not interested. I have a job thank you very much. - William presses, feeling the anger course in his body. Father chuckles, then laughs loudly, humorlessly as he walks towards the large painting on the wall. It is a portrait of his mother, when she was younger, wearing her simple white tutu and bodice, elegant and timeless. He never knew her like this. After she gave birth to him and Charlotte she never returned to her successful career of a professional ballerina. She stayed at home, knowing her place, performed her role of a perfect billionaire's wife with pretty face and well-taught manners.

\- That's not a real job oh come on, you dance in th...

\- Dance in tights, I heard it the first time. Like mum did. You're such a hypocrite.

\- That's different. She was a woman. And she stopped her career after she had you. Because you were more important to her than anything. - William opens his mouth to say something but his father doesn't let him by raising his voice and the black hole in his gut sucks all his words away. - She gave up the thing she loved doing the most in her life in order to raise you, our heir, the oldest of all my brother's children. This job is what you are supposed to do for your family. We all made sacrifices. - he looks at William in a stern manner. - Just think about it, I'm sure Nina would love to get married. She loves you. You shouldn't let her wait forever.

\- I'm done talking to you. - he barely manages to say anything. His father is the only person who knows how to push his buttons. He is furious. He leaves him just standing there and rushes out, catching Nina on his way out.

\- I'm going to my hotel.

\- What? Why? We can stay in the house, it's such a long drive to London.

\- It's only 45 minutes and I will go 45 hours if necessary just to get the hell away from him. - William shouts in anger showing in the direction where he stood with his father just moments ago.

\- Don't tell me you two fought? Come on babe, you just had a few. You can sleep it off here. I really don't feel like going now.

\- Then stay. I can't stay here. I'm sorry really, but you know how much I don't like him. - Nina sighs in understanding and hugs him. Her Dior J'adore makes him even more restless. He pulls away.

\- I'm going to the hotel to sleep, I will see you tomorrow in the city for lunch, yeah?

\- Ok babe. I'm going to tell Charlotte you said goodbye.

\- Thank you. - he kisses her quickly and reaches for his phone to call for a car.

He feels better as soon as the car, one of the family perks, starts driving him away from that gorgeous but cold Edwardian mansion. He opens the window, breathing in trying to sober up. It is a beautiful evening in April and he looks forward to going back to his hotel room and sleep, so he can plan the next few days doing something he actually enjoys.

But one thought is constantly on his mind - what if he runs into Lennon. It's nearly impossible, London is a big city and who would even guarantee that he is in London anyway. As those thoughts are running through his drunken mind he suddenly spots a billboard on the side of the road.  
It is for a music festival that summer and there is Lennon on it jamming his guitar,mouth opened, eyes closed, like in trance, or an orgasm, William mind can't decide. And he knows it. It is a sign. Literally sign on the road telling him that in fact he has to see him again.

So he reaches for his phone and damn it, he doesn't have his phone number. How is he going to reach him? Liam. He's already calling his friend in New York not even minding the time difference, it's only afternoon on the East Coast.

\- Hi mate, you busy?

\- Hey Will. Where are you? I thought you're in London?

\- Yeah yeah I am. Listen, I need Lennon's number. If that's ok? - he says it and instantly regrets it because it sounds so desperate.

\- Er... Lennon Lewis' number? Why?

\- Oh, well just wanted to reach out, you know, we said we would hang out when in London but we actually forgot to exchange numbers. So...

\- Ok? William?

\- Yeah, mate? - William can sense that Liam is suspicious.

\- Just be careful, alright? I know Lenny, he's my best friend and I love him to bits, but he's a bit of a player, if he made a move on you just don't... don't go there, yeah? Because he dips his cock in anything that moves.

\- What? Liam, no! He didn't make a move on me. It's just friendly casual hanging out. - William defends, feeling awful for lying. Well, to be fair Lennon didn't make a first move, William did. That dipping cock part lingers a bit longer then he expected in his mind.

\- Ok ok, I'm just saying. I noticed how he looked at you that night in the pub. - Liam laughs and William tenses in the back seat of the car because that information only makes him be more impatient. He only later caught up with Lennon's flirting - have everyone seen something there but him? - He's the loveliest human being but he goes through guys like they're nothing. - Liam lets out a husky laugh again. - They're disposable.

\- I can imagine. - he answers weakly. The guy he talked to for hours in New York doesn't match the one Liam is describing, sure Lennon was charming and flirty but can't see him as a predator. But Liam knows him better than William does.

\- But I heard he makes it worth their while. Few blokes said to me he's hung like you wouldn't believe it.

\- Jesus Liam. -not what William dick needs to hear right now.

\- Sorry, TMI. Anyway, my point is, you have a nice girlfriend and Lennon barely sleeps with one person twice so... yeah, I'm just looking after you Will.

\- Thanks Liam but I'm sure I can take care of myself.

After a few more minutes they hang up and William gets Lennon's phone number. He doesn't think much, he is almost positive he wants to see him. He has to confirm that all this agony that he's been dealing with is for a reason.

They're stuck in traffic in central London near Hyde park. He types. He's casual, not desperate. Hi Lennon, hope you're doing well, I'm back in London for a few days, are you free to hang out? William. Sending. Sent. Fuck. It's done. Why the fuck did he do that?

He shuts his eyes in frustration instantly regretting it, realizing that Lennon might not even reply or he will reply saying - William who. He's panicking.

His iPhone chimes and little message pops up, William smiles.

Lennon: What a pleasant surprise.

Lennon: Always free for you William Hamilton- Smith.

Lennon: When it is good for you?

Lennon: I'm free now.

Four separate messages come when he could have typed it all in one and that makes William smile to himself for some reason. Maybe because he can almost hear Lennon saying these words in his voice. He is happy he's not rejected but he didn't think of his next move. So he just tells him he is on his way to his hotel and that they can meet wherever is convenient for Lennon.

Lennon: I will just meet you at your hotel lobby and then we can figure it out from there.

It's what he says and William agrees, typing his hotel address.


	12. Where I end and you begin

William POV

He's been constructing scenarios for the evening ahead that he is surprised to see a hotel in sight in Ten Trinity square.

It's an impressive front, Four seasons at its most luxurious, you could hear music coming from inside, the kind of rolling jazz they always play in hotel lobbies or elevators.  
Lennon will probably already be in there looking like he's been stood up, but he knows William would be late, so he'll wait. Suddenly all his preparations flee his mind, William enters the hotel and sees Lennon sitting at the bar, colourful shirt and black jeans, black Converse, long hair pulled up in a bun, glass of some clear spirit with ice in front of him. He stops. Part of him is screaming to turn around, but he knows deep inside his future is in there.

\- Hey. I'm sorry, I was stuck in traffic. - William approaches Lennon and they look at each other with smiles on their faces. Most of the anxiety disappears.

\- That's alright. I wasn't waiting long. - Lennon reassures him as he turns his whole body on a high bar swivel chair toward William. Their styles are currently a complete opposite and William is self conscious in his crisp suit. Well, he left the jacket at the house, but shirt and well-tailored trousers still make him overdressed in Lennon's casual glory. He just takes the seat next to him, no hug no hand shake, it's too awkward for any of that and he thinks touching him in any way will just confuse him even more.

\- I desperately need another drink. - he looks for the staff in the bar- Excuse me.

\- Mister Hamilton-Smith. Good evening. The usual? - the bartender asks.

\- Sure. Just make it double. - William says to the bartender and notices questions on Lennon's smiling face. He hasn't stopped smiling sweetly since William joined him.

\- I had a really long day. I was at my sister's engagement party. - and also Lennon is making him nervous but he doesn't admit that.

\- I get it, family can get stressful. So how did you get my number? Liam I presume? - Lennon sips his drink and looks amusingly at William like he just realises that William is already quite tipsy.

\- Yeah actually. You don't mind? - William's insecurity kreeps in.

\- No of course not, I was thinking about contacting you too but... I just didn't. You know. Anyway... - Lennon wants to say that he doesn't want to make William upset after what happened, he doesn't really know how to act, would William be comfortable around him. And William understands all that from only looking at Lennon's face.

\- Anyway. - William laughs and that makes Lennon laugh too, so they are just looking at each other smiling like idiots and if someone would ask them what's funny they wouldn't know what to tell them.

\- Fancy hotel? That Broadway must pay a lot. - Lennon says looking around the fancy bar. And William doesn't want to say his family is so rich that he doesn't really have to work a day in his life and he is part owner of this hotel chain. It will only make Lennon ask questions he doesn't want to answer. Reminded of his father and the conversation from earlier this evening, he downs his double Glenlivet and welcomes the taste.

\- I guess.

And then they change the topic and order another drink. He guesses they will just stay here at this bar. William doesn't mind, his day just got better thanks to this radiant face sitting next to him.  
Another drink and maybe another one after that and they are still sitting there, William listening to Lennon explaining how he fell off the stage at a concert in Denver, only to remind William of the fact that the time stays still whenever he listens to him speak. It's like his brain had been reprogrammed overnight, overridden. As if all his previous interests had been deleted and replaced with the sound of Lennon's voice.  
William feels hot so he rolls the long sleeves of his white shirt up. Lennon's eyes rest on a tattoo in his outer forearm that plays peekaboo up William's sleeve. It's an amazing linework piece of a subtle woman's face that looks like a rose, he got it in the memory of his mother, Rose. It's the only one he has but he wishes Lennon wouldn't look at him the way he does, like he wants to find out if there is any others William is hiding under his clothes.  
When their eyes meet again William can see the longing. His eyes are warm green, or blue, sometimes, depending on the light in the room he is sure they are blue- the shade that reminds you of all things soft and sweet. Sometimes they are tormented, sad.

_Everything alright, sad eyes?_

In bright sunlight one eye is ever so slightly greener and the other more blue and you can only notice it if you really pay attention. He clearly did that sunny day in New York. William's thoughts are interrupted by Lennon's serious voice.

\- William, why did you call me tonight?

\- I'm...- His mouth becomes dry, saliva turns to glue and his brain shuts right down.

\- I don't know, Lennon. I.. I guess I wanted to see you. That's all.

\- Right.

Lennon looks like he is becoming really impatient and William knows that there are things unsaid, that Lennon probably wants to know if this means anything. But William doesn't know.

\- Do you have to go home? It's late I guess. - William slurres a bit looking at his watch and then timidly at Lennon. He was never shy and insecure before when he used to pick up people at bars, quite the opposite. That is not what this is. No.

\- No I don't.

Colour of Lennon's eyes is a wild, dark, ocean-on-a-stormy-day shade of blue now as he brushes his bent knee against William's leg turning slowly on a high bar chair. That was intentional. William shivers and stares at him.

\- Do you want to come up? We can order room service.

Five minutes later William and Lennon are standing beside each other in a shiny lift, looking at the fast changing red numbers, but not fast enough, heavy silence between them. William sees from the corner of his eye that Lennon is nervously playing with the rings on his hands. There's a ding and they look at each other, slowly leaving the small space.  
And then they are out, their steps silenced by the carpeted floor and William puts the card key in and opens the door, letting Lennon go inside first. He whispers thank you and stares hard at William while walking in, as if trying to figure out Newton's law of universal gravitation. As soon as William walks in and closes the door there's Lennon's breath on the back of his neck, and William's heart is pumping fast.

\- Are you sure you want me here?

\- I'm sure, Lennon. Why, you don't want to be here? - William tries to keep it calm but probably fails miserably.

\- Oh, I want to be here.

William turns around and finds Lennon's beautiful face so close that his vision is blurred. The only source of light are the bright city lights that come into the large room from outside, and he can see a shadow of Lennon leaning in, his dark eyebrows tangled up fiercely right before he dips down to press his lips to William's.  
William's eyelashes flatter wildly, his brain feels full of static like an old television set that's lost the signal. The tip of Lennon's hot tongue traces the seam of his whisky lips and a shuddering exaltation escapes him. He pulls back. William's eyes open. A tiny beam of light shining from the window shows him there is a fire in Lennon's gaze.

\- I thought this would never happen again.

Lennon whispers as his fingers slip along William's jaw to his ear. He then takes another taste of his lips, William opening his mouth this time eager to feel Lennon's tongue gliding over his. Lennon leans into his chest pressing William back against the closed door with his lean hard body, so different from Nina's petite and soft.

William doesn't make a move, just groans and fists his hands, letting Lennon's hand hold his neck and jaw with light pressure, keeping him there, taking his kiss, his breath. William had never been so hard or hot for anyone or anything in his life.  
With every delicious sweep of his tongue Lennon is erasing hesitation in William, both tasting each other eagerly, afraid to pull away. If they pull away it might be over, the bubble will burst, it will all be a dream and they will wake up like many times before in the last few weeks where this was just a dream for both of them.  
Lennon's hand lands on William's thigh as he bites at his bottom lip, action making William flinch, then his fingers dig into William's hips bringing their erections together with a hard grind.

\- Lennon, God.

A wave of heated desire flows through him, leaves him too weak to protest, to find his voice, his conscience.

They stare at each other, both of them breathing these insane, ragged breaths like they are halfway to death. Like they will die if they don't fuck each other. Maybe that's it. Maybe William needs to fuck him to get him out of his system.

He makes the move then. He pushes them from the door moving slowly towards the perfectly made super king size bed. He moves his hand between them desperate to feel his erection. Lennon breathes in sharply when William's palm moves over it. He is so hard, William can't believe he is able to make Lennon Lewis this hard from just kissing. When the backs of Lennon's legs hit the bed he suddenly breaks the kiss and sits down breathing heavily, William standing between his legs.

\- Touch me. - William whispers while leaning down and stroking Lennon through his tight trousers.

Lennon's hand lingers on his upper thigh for ages, like he's too overwhelmed, much more than he expected to be, like he bit more than he could chew. But then he goes forward.  
He looks hungrily in William's eyes. The button is undone. William smirks. Then gently but firmly Lennon is pulling down the zipper, like he's waiting for William to stop this, to change his mind. But the fingers of William's other hand are diving into Lennon's hair. Their mouths are sealed tightly, their hands wildly seeking each other's erections.

\- Fuck, William. - he swears in between kisses while grinding his dick into William's hand.

William bites his neck hard, runs his tongue over his jaw and moves against Lennon's palm. All his insecurity and hesitation withdrawing so his desire can take over.

This is bliss. This is better than his dreams.

William is unbuttoning Lennon's shirt next, pushing him down onto the mattress, then he straddles him. Lennon is reaching up and grabbing his shirt, unbuttoning William too.

_God, what am I doing? There's no stopping now. I don't want to stop. Finally. Just this one time. Nobody will know. Finally._ William's jumbled thoughts swim through his whiskey haze.

Tossing the shirts aside, Lennon is pulling William's face to him, their naked chests touch. William's heart feels like it will explode. He can't wait any longer, he reaches down and starts yanking down Lennon's jeans as he lifts his hips to help him with that.

He is all laid out in front of him now with eyes burning with lust. A sculpted, golden prince, all taut, lean muscles and long, strong thighs. He is on a skinnier side, but with those defined muscles and not much body hair he looks like a perfect doll or a model.

And that dick... that dick of his is still hidden behind his underwear but it's bulging, head peeking from the waistband.

It's been years since William was with a man but he knows how he wants Lennon. He wants to taste him and then fuck him. And even though Lennon is giving away the vibes of a lover that likes to dominate, William thinks that he is acting completely opposite with William, he wants William in control. The look in his eyes tells him that.

William pecks his full lips, trails down his firm, body to his waist. There's quite a lot of tattoos there, small and big, but he can't see them in the semi-dark room. He really wants to know what they mean, even though he is sure the one night stand arrangement doesn't include that.

\- I'm going to take this off, is that ok? - he whispers quietly.

\- Y.. yes. Take it off already..- Lennon breathes out and William smiles at how nervous and horny he is.

\- I know, I'm eager too, God, I've thought about sucking you off since I saw you walk out of that shower. - William confesses not caring about anything now but this gorgeous young man beneath him.

He leaves a soft kiss on his flat belly - a silent wish _I want inside, will you let me_.  
Then slides down his grey underwear, not breaking the look from Lennon's widening eyes. He takes Lennon's dick in his hands and the sensation is magnificent, he can smell his velvety skin, like oranges and lemons, probably some fruity shower gel.

\- You're... fuck, look at you. - William traces his lips along his dick and allows Lennon's head into his mouth. William can't breathe, it is overwhelming, Lennon is so big and his mind is spinning - he is actually doing this. Parting his lips, he sticks out his tongue tracing its tip along the ridge of Lennon's head. Lennon gasps.

\- Fuck. That's...William. Please.

Hypnotised by the sight, sounds, smells, William consumes Lennon's cock pushing it onto the back of his throat and Lennon moans with pleasure. William relaxes his jaw, satisfied with himself when he doesn't choke, then swirls his tongue around the head before he sinks back down on it again, hollowing his cheeks and starts sucking. He observes the way muscles of Lennon's abs spasm, his chest raising and falling quickly.  
He allows himself a short break to breathe so his hot breath ghosts over Lennon's sensitive tip for a few seconds as he meets his gaze, then gives a lick to the slit. His saliva dribbles down out of his parted lips over Lennon's shaft, and Lennon watches it all in awe.

\- Shit. S-stop please, I'm going to come if you don't stop.

William just looks at him mischievously as he continues to bob his head up and down, faster, while pumping his hand over his shaft whenever he retracts and making Lennon come hard into his mouth, tasting all of him. He also makes himself even harder in his underwear.

\- Jesus Christ ...fuuuck... William, you... you actually fucking swallowed.

Lennon's trying to talk, props himself up on his elbows still coming down from his high, gazing at the obscene sight in front of him, William's face flushed, Lennon's white juices dripping down his swollen lips, chin and neck.

\- Shit, look at you, you're beautiful like that.- Lennon touches his wet chin gently, William closes his eyes, feeling Lennon's lips on his soon after. It is just a peck because William doesn't let Lennon deepen the kiss, instead quickly goes back down to Lennon's thighs and spreads them wide. Lennon is confused but then William grabs his asscheeks, lifts Lennon's back a little off the mattress and opens his lips letting Lennon's cum that he kept in his mouth drip slowly over his hole.

\- Oh God, oh my God, William...- he holds Lennon's legs open and just licks a few times lazily, slowly, enjoying his every moan, spreading the cum around. William is so hard now that he's thrusting his erection into the mattress and this is all just too much.

\- I want you, Lennon. So bad. - William breaths out. He moves up until he is face to face with the gorgeous man.

\- You have me. Take me. How do you want me? I'm yours. - Lennon speaks huskily against his mouth, faster than his brain could form normal sentences. William can feel feverish sensations running over Lennon's body, the way he holds him tighter as if William would disappear out of thin air. Lennon moves his hands to William's ass and starts removing his underwear now, touching him everywhere.

\- Will you let me fuck you? I want to be inside you. - Lennon stops breathing, as William whispers these words in his ear, his hot breath making him shiver. - Wanna feel this tight, little hole around me. - his finger is gently circling over Lennon's entrance, all wet and warm.  
He remains silent for a while and William thinks they're not on the same page, maybe he got Lennon's submissive behavior all wrong. - We don't have to. - William assures him, still seductively whispering in his ear, kissing his temple. - We can do whatever you're fine with.

\- No, I want to. It's just that I... like..haven't done it like that. In a while. It was long time ago. I'm usually the one who.. - William nods at that because he already assumed this, Lennon is still touching his hard cock and scanning his naked body.

\- Look at you, your body... who the fuck are you, William...fucking six pack, no, eight pack, Jesus...- he runs his hands over William's bare chest above him and laughs in disbelief. William feels proud of his rigorous workout routine more than ever. - And the way you touch me. - Lennon bites his bottom lip like he wants to bite into William's skin.

\- This is already too much for me. I will come in seconds if you just keep doing that with your mouth. - William touches his lip, stopping him from biting it more then he reaches up, tangles his fingers in his bun, tugs at the elastic, trying to pull it out of Lennon's hair, and tosses it on the floor. He watches him with admiration spread out beneath him, the most beautiful person he's ever seen.

\- If you don't like to bottom, that's perfectly fine, Lennon. No pressure. You can fuck me, you know. There's so many things we can do.

\- No. I'm so turned on right now, I really want this tonight, William.

\- Sure?

\- Yes. I just need to... prepare, I don't have...

\- Don't worry, we'll go slow and we'll use tons of lube and we'll relax you with my fingers first. I'll take care of you. Promise. Ok? - Lennon's fingers are digging into William's thighs and he just blinks at William and nods in desperation, cocky and overconfident Lennon-player long gone - I will be right back.

He kisses his forehead slowly and slides off the bed, rushing to get lube and condoms from his suitcase.

And then. He slicks his fingers in lube, and Lennon just spreads his thighs for him in invitation. He brings his hand down on Lennon's entrance and just gently rubs the skin, right below, right above, teases with shorts strokes, rubs all over it in long strokes. He sets a quick rhythm, he pushes longer and harder but never enters. Lennon just looks at him, eyes black, unfocused, glassy, and lifts his hips into it, pushing against his hand.

William leans down, bites the inside of his thigh and he slides a finger in. He is terrifyingly tight but his moan is so loud and sexy that he thinks they are shooting a scene in a porn movie. He takes his time thrusting one finger and watching Lennon's rising chest, flushed cheeks, rasped moans. Lennon wants more.

He hovers over him, skin on skin, burning, pink nipples wanting to be licked, fingers searching for new parts that haven't been touched, whispering each other's name like a mantra. Hot breaths. Second finger. William tries his best to be gentle and careful, taking his time to open Lennon up, he wants to give nothing but pure pleasure to this man.

Lennon at moments looks like he is mentally somewhere else, some other dimension but William would kiss him back to the moment calling his name, calling him beautiful, asking if he is alright. William's fingers are in and out, repeatedly, twisting and curling inside of him, the more he does it he can feel Lennon falling more apart beneath him, getting needier, impatient.

\- How does that feel?

\- Yeah, it feels... ah...Right there. Fuck. Yeah, I... I never felt... - and William knows how intense the feeling must be if Lennon's prostate hasn't been touched like this recently or ever.

\- You want to come like this? We don't have to...

\- No! - he exhales the word and pushes his hips closer to William in encouragement, making grabby hands at him. - Want you all the way. - when he raises up Lennon spreads his legs even more apart allowing William to lay between them. - Just... can we have some more light, can you switch the lamp on or something? I want to see you.

\- Yes, yes of course. - he immediately turns the bedside lamp on and it washes the room golden and yellow.

\- Come. I'm ready. Please, I can't take this anymore.

\- Yeah? I will make it good for you I promise. - William tells him, pulling the condom on his throbbing cock, then adding more lube eventually kissing his forehead. _Why can't I stop kissing him so much? This is just a one night stand. Just pure physical release, nothing romantic about it._ Lennon is begging for it, grabbing William's hard dick and leading it to his entrance. William laughs lightly.

\- Hey, easy. I'm here. Do you want me like this or you want to be on your hands and knees, it might be easier for you like that?

\- N...no. Like this. Want you like this. Please. Just...

\- When you're begging for me like that, Jesus Christ, what it does to me...Just tell me if you want me to stop at any time.

Desire is spreading through his blood like fire as he presses in and Lennon opens his mouth in shock. For a fraction of a moment he can see it, those sad eyes, something is wrong, William feels it in his soul and starts pulling out.

\- Hey. You ok? Lennon? - Lennon blinks and it seems as William's voice pulls him out of the short trance he was in.

\- William... - he whispers at the loss - want it. Don't stop. - as he inches back inside, William tries easing possible pain by kissing him everywhere but not long after Lennon cries out in pleasure as William fills him fully. He is so tight, so so tight, he shuts his eyes and drops his forehead on Lennon's collarbone, inhaling his smell, moving in short, slow thrusts.

\- That's good, shit... you're big. - Lennon gasps, face shuttered with need.

William moves a bit faster, deeper observing Lennon's lean body eroticly moving because of William's thrusts, hair sticking to his now sweaty forehead. He wants to memorize this forever and paint it as a picture for his wall. This is beyond what William has ever dreamed. He kisses his neck, his cheeks, his eyebrow, his beauty mark on the corner of his lips, he doesn't want to do this fast, to hurt him.

\- Harder. Can you... I want it harder, I can take it. - his words shake as they come out of his mouth.

\- Yeah?

\- Yeah. Fuck yeah.

\- You're doing so good. So fucking tight for me.. So beautiful. - he praises him because he can't help it. It's so intense the way Lennon responds to his thrusts, how his dick is already leaking between them, how Lennon is trying to see the place where William's cock is entering him, how it seems he wants more. And he wants to give him more, everything a person can possibly give.

Lennon moans and pants as the pace quickens, little high pitched yeses and ahs and William is again hitting that same spot, sending a shock through Lennon's body.

Lennon is becoming his. No one could touch Lennon like this but him. No one could make Lennon feel like this but him. He just knows it, he is the only one that Lennon gave himself to like this regardless of countless lovers. Because sex like this is not earthly. It doesn't happen with just anyone.

Gripping Lennon's waist with both hands, he closes his eyes and continues thrusting his hips forward, feeling Lennon's tight hole swallow his cock. His mind spins frantically, balls tingle ready to explode, he has to come.

\- I'm close. You close?

\- Mhm... right there...right. There. Ah!

\- You like that, don't you? Like it a bit rough? - he slowly pulls out and Lennon sounds almost injured at the loss but then William nudges the head of his cock back into his entrance, just the tip, he teases, circling the rim as Lennon chants _pleasepleaseplease_. He slams back into him. - Taking me so well.

\- Yeah! Feel so full. - William kisses the mouth that speaks how much he enjoys him inside.

Their tongues meet with so much passion, like it's not enough to fill only one hole. William might be a bit overwhelmed with how Lennon is responding to his kiss, like he needs it more than air, he might be exaggerating but it feels like there's too much emotion poured in that kiss. Then he slides his hand down and grabs Lennon's cock. He curses at the contact.

\- Lennon, want you to come for me. - he strokes him faster and fucks him harder.- That's it, yeah, come.

It takes only a few seconds. Clawing at William's back he explodes in pleasure with incoherent moans and curses. Knowing that he brought this gorgeous man so much pleasure, William relaxes his cock finally and moans loudly against his lips, fire spreading throughout his body plunging him into the best high person could experience.

\- Fuck! - They are both panting out of breath. William presses a sloppy kiss to Lennon's lips and wants to move but Lennon quickly wraps his arms around William's neck making him stay in place, starring in his eyes.

\- Where do you think you're going? - Lennon's hot mouth kisses William. It is all tongue and spit, but so slow and consuming, so messy and stimulating and it makes William's heart hammer furiously against his ribcage. Kissing him like this again means more than William can even dare to imagine.

\- You fucked me so good. - Lennon laughs. - I'm seeing stars.

William doesn't have the strength to say anything. His fingers are pushing Lennon's hair behind his ear. Then they kiss lazily, gently.

William is still collapsed on top of Lennon, heat from their bodies washing over them.


	13. Hot like fire

William POV

When he returns from the bathroom holding two glasses of water he sees Lennon's naked body sprawled out on the messy sheets of the bed. He seems asleep but somehow his face looks content. William smiles, puts glasses of water on the bedside table and comes back to bed with some wet wipes gently cleaning Lennon's skin that is covered in all that cum. William made him come so hard that second time, he made such a mess all over himself. He can't stop smiling. He decides he will try to sleep as well covering both of them with the soft duvet.

Lennon mingles in his sleep slowly turning to the side, his hand searching something. Someone. It finds William lying on his back whose body flinches at contact, and he wonders why, he just had sex with this man but his body still reacts like he's been touched by an angel. Lennon reaches out, still half asleep and hugs him around his torso, moves one leg over William's legs. William can't move, he feels dizzy from the smell of Lennon's hair splayed under his underarm and his body trapped by Lennon.

\- Do you want me to leave? - Lennon quietly says nuzzling William's side, eyes still closed. William tenses at the sound of his husky, tired voice probably dry and in need for water. _Yes, you should leave._

\- No, you can stay.

He shouldn't stay, William has a girlfriend, this is only a one time thing and he doesn't know what he is doing, but he decides he will think about it in the morning. The damage is already done, and he has Lennon a few more hours, until the morning brings back the reality.

The minutes are passing. He can't stop looking at the side of Lennon's face, his eyes closed, shell of his ear, shoulder covered in tattoos. He feels Lennon's hot breath on his skin, his knee so close to William's balls just barely touching his cock that is now growing again.  
Will he ever not be turned on in the presence of this man? Minutes pass. Silence. His semi hard cock is then being pressed by Lennon's thigh and he closes his eyes not moving. This is torture, he should be sleeping.

\- Mmm - he hears Lennon from below, obviously waking up now. - Let me help you with that.

Is all Lennon says moving only his hand under the covers. As Lennon brings his cock to life he looks down at his strong back now uncovered and the junction between the contours of his shoulders. There's a big tattoo of a picture frame covering the whole back, just the round frame with nothing in the middle of it, and William is wondering. Lennon looks at him from where he is lying.

\- I'm thirsty, would you pass me that water please?

\- S.. sure.

William almost drops the glass, he is only focused on Lennon's right hand on his hard cock and Lennon's eyes and then Lennon's mouth drinking almost the whole glass of water.  
He is in heaven when Lennon leans towards William's hips and takes him in his mouth, cold from the water he just drunk. Encouraged by Lennon's own growing member he reaches out and touches his bare ass, his finger moves towards his entrance.  
Lennon shudders in pleasure still working on William's cock, with hands and mouth simultaneously. Soon William adds another finger, Lennon is still open for him, still eager, pushing himself onto William's fingers. Wants more of William in him.  
There is no end to this. They can't get enough of each other. William moans loudly and warns he is close. Lennon suddenly moves, straddling William now with an almost juvenile desperation that just makes William's insides tingle.

\- Get the condom. - William hears him say with shaky breath.

\- You want to ride me?

\- Mhm. - there's so much heat begging to be released. William ungraciously reaches for it on the bedside table.

\- Here, I've got it.

\- Your cock is my new inspiration. I will write songs about it. - Lennon says while putting the condom on William, then some lube and then positioning himself on the tip of it. William just stares.

\- This is madness.

William is sure he will die right then and there. Lennon's hard length bouncing up and down right there in front of him, flushed red tip and defined veins.  
The sexy moans and noises that he's making. The way he's chasing his own orgasm, using William's dick, like he just discovered a new toy that is giving him the best possible pleasure and he wants to use the most of it.  
Lennon leans forward as he rides him, his palms pressed flat on William's chest and says _rightthererightthererightthere._  
William's orgasm surprises him and he can't control it, it comes in waves and seems it will never stop completely, just seeing Lennon on display like this for him.  
Seconds later Lennon comes too, hard, untouched, panting and whimpering. Cum spills from his slit, down the shaft of his dick. William feels it hot and thick all over his abs and pecs because Lennon's dick keeps sputtering as he continues to cum, his whole body shuddering with weak little aftershocks.

\- Jesus.... - William laughs in disbelief. And minutes pass it seems when Lennon manages to speak again.

\- I know.

\- I have a feeling you will be quite sore tomorrow. - He holds Lennon's sweaty face with both of his hands when he loses balance.

\- Shit I forgot I have a rehearsal with the band tomorrow morning. - Lennon is still trying to catch his breath.

\- What time?

\- 10 o'clock.

\- That's unfortunate, you could have stayed, sleep in. - William offers without thinking through. Lennon moves from laying on top of him, slowly pulling William out of him which makes him wince with a smile on his face.

\- I doubt I could ever just sleep with you if we're in the same bed. You're the best sex I ever had. - William laughs loudly at that but doesn't reply that he feels the same.

\- I feel special, a lot of competition to beat out there I guess. - he peels off the condom slowly.

\- Woah. Is that what you think of me?! - Lennon flops exhausted next to William.

\- Sorry, I didn't mean it like that, just thought, being a hot rock star and all you meet more people. Like Fuckbuddy NYC. - he smiles and it looks like Lennon is blushing at the mention of that guy - What are the chances that I got the top-ranking spot for best sex over them. - William can't hide that all those people before him that had a bit of Lennon annoy him and thinks of fucking him again just so he forgets all of his ex lovers.

\- No, I'm not offended. I'm not denying that I have sex with people. I like sex. People not so much. So I guess...I just take the sex and leave. It does sound sluty but I don't think relationships are something I can do. Don't think anyone could stand being in a relationship with a fuck up like me anyway. I can barely live with myself. - he laughs bitterly.

\- You seem like you get along with everyone, I mean I think you're easy to be around.

\- Hmm... I'm usually drunk so I can be like that, so I can tolerate and be tolerated. - he laughs to himself- People are dull. I don't think I met anyone that intrigued me, challenged me. They all say they want to know me but I'm sure that as soon as they did they would run for the hills, so I'm just saving them from the disappointment and giving them the best part - sex. - Lennon says casually, but William is not buying it completely. How can someone so interesting, artistic, intelligent think they can't offer anything to a partner on a deeper level then just sexual?

\- Well you're still young, when the right person shows up you'll just know.

\- The right person? - then Lennon looks at William deep in thought.

\- I guess I thought I found that right person but look at me right now. Don't know what the fuck am I doing. - William's mood suddenly starts changing after he remembers he was unfaithful.

\- Do you regret this?

\- I should regret this but I don't. - he says truthfully and takes Lennon's hand intertwining their fingers. Lennon looks at their hands.

\- Let's not think about what will this mean tomorrow yeah? Come on, I desperately need a shower. Wanna join me? - Lennon seductively raises his eyebrows and starts pulling William's hand.

\- I'll be there in a minute.

William sits up checking Lennon out on his way to the bathroom. The small lamp mixed with the lights of the city are reflecting off his tired but beautiful skin, William is smiling when he sees him walking awkwardly, probably feeling discomfort, Lennon will feel that for a few days he hopes. A reminder of William inside him.  
Is he going mad? He's never been possessive of anyone like this before. Besides, the conversation they had about all the meaningless sex Lennon is having is constantly on the back of his mind and should really put him off.

When he joins Lennon in the large shower he tries to keep his hands to himself, even though he can't stop looking now that the lights are bright. They talk about random things because sex is out of the question now after they spent all their energy on it. And it's not awkward, not at all, it's like they've done this so many times. After they're finished Lennon wraps himself in a white towel and stays some more time in the bathroom to dry his hair and brush his teeth with the hotel toothbrush William gives him. William waits for him on the bed in clean underwear and t-shirt flicking through channels on TV.

\- What's the time? - Lennon asks him approaching the bed.

\- It's half 4. I closed the curtains so we can try and sleep a bit.

\- Ok I will try but you'll probably wake up with my mouth on your cock at some point.

\- You have a filthy mouth you know, gonna make me hard again. - William laughs turning to Lennon who drops the towel and climbs the bed naked, wrapping himself in a duvet. William can't stop and leans over him, playfully licks his nose.

\- You have filthier, Mr.Hamilton-Smith and that is something I definitely didn't see coming . - William laughs at that loudly. - No pun intended.

And then Lennon is smiling, all teeth and dimples, William's face is above him, only inches away. Their noses gently touch and William moves his head down slightly pressing his lips to Lennon's. He kisses him back, their mouths opening slightly to deepen the kiss, it's minty fresh and sexy but they leave it there. William brushes his cheek with the tip of his finger, then his eyebrow, then the beauty mark just underneath his plump, pink bottom lip. There's something strangely familiar about that beauty mark that's been in the back of William's mind since the moment he saw Lennon. But he moves along, his finger tracing the black letters of his tattoo on his collarbone next. Maggie Mae. Lennon takes a deep breath after William touches it and closes his eyes, shivering.

\- Someone important? - William asks after seeing how much his attention to this tattoo affects Lennon.

\- That was my sister's name. - he says after a few seconds, still not opening his eyes. There's a story there,he said it in the past tense.

\- Your parents really love The Beatles huh? - William smiles after he realizes that was a Beatles song and well, the name Lennon is pretty obvious. Lennon opens his eyes and they are the saddest shade of blue and green, like looking into the depths of an ocean, like a shipwreck at the bottom of the sea.

\- Yeah. My mum loved The Beatles. She and dad met at the Beatles tribute band concert. - and before William could say anything to that, Lennon interrupts him with a quick kiss to his lips and pulls away under him, making himself comfortable in the bed, letting him know conversation about that topic is over. With the way Lennon talks about his family in the past, William doesn't want to push it. It's not his place anyway. They're not even friends. They're nothing.

\- Sleep William. - Lennon reaches for his phone and sets his alarm, William eyes feel heavier and heavier, his mind goes into free fall, swirling with a beautiful chaos of a new dream. Dream that morning never comes.

*

When William opens his eyes he is confused by the warmth of the body in front of him. He can see a broad back lying on the side and soft dark hair everywhere.Lennon. He's spooning Lennon, and morning sun creeps in through the curtains reminding him that this is almost over and that he might not see Lennon again. Because this was a one time thing. It probably is. Lennon does one night stands all the time and William, he has a relationship that needs to go back to. Lennon shifts slowly, taking William's hand that was hugging him and brings it down to his cock. William realizes that Lennon is still very much naked and hard and starts massaging his cock under the covers.

\- Just one more time, please. - Lennon pleads and bites his bottom lip, pushing his ass into William's crotch, teasing, morning voice so raspy and deep that it makes William's dick twitch.

\- Fuck. Lennon. What are you doing to me? - it wasn't a question that needed answering but Lennon replies.

\- Same thing you're doing to me.

\- You will be really sore are you sure you want it again?

William's heart was racing faster now, he was kissing his back and neck while pressing his cock against Lennon's ass, that gorgeous perky perfect bottom, only his underwear between them.

\- I don't care, it feels so good when you fuck me. Even if it hurts it's so worth it, believe me. Wanna feel you there all day, and tomorrow... It will remind me of this night.

Lennon groans when William pushes him harshly on his stomach and straddles him, spreading his cheeks with both of his hands and starts moving his tongue around his hole. Lennon is falling apart under him, sounds muffled by the pillow, hands fisting the sheets.

William licks and licks. Pushing in and out. Dipping the tips of his index fingers in to spread his hole more so he can drive himself deeper. The sight of it, flattering after he drags his tongue flat over it is easily one of the most arousing things he's ever seen.

Fingers are probably leaving bruises on his skin. The night is over but he'll make him remember. William splits him in two, this time he's wild. Wet sounds of William's cock bottoming out inside Lennon making his head spin.

Lennon comes hard into his own fist and all over the sheets and William groans low in his throat as Lennon clenches tightly around him, making the drag of his cock even more intense. That is what makes him come and then he crumbles like sand on top of him. They lay like that for a while, William draped limply over Lennon with his spent cock still inside him.

\- Are you ok? - William manages to ask, nuzzling his face among soft hair. _He's perfect, so perfect_ , is all he thinks. Lennon's alarm starts ringing from the bedside table. Reality is calling.

\- Promise me I'll see you again. - Lennon barely breathes out under William's broad, heavy body. William is quiet too long.

\- I promise.

Lennon leaves William's hotel room in a rush, Nate was already calling him to see where he is and if he's coming to the studio they have booked for today. They are playing a few festivals in the summer that they need to practice some covers for.

He is getting dressed and holding a phone at the same time, not an easy task because his clothes are in every corner of the very big room, eventually William only manages to quickly wave goodbye after Lennon casually grabs his naked asscheek on the way to the door and mouths _call me later._

There will be later? He shakes his head after the doors are closed and can't quite believe what actually happened last night. He remembers that he has lunch with Nina and some friends around noon in a restaurant somewhere in Soho so he should be getting ready for that soon but all he can think is Lennon and if he's going to see him again. He told him he would, and he definitely would want to but there's that thing called guilt that he can't seem to get rid of.

But if he is going to hell what a perfect sin Lennon Lewis is. After all, Lennon is that type of a guy that ruins your morals, who loves to corrupt your soul. Even the devil would be hesitant.  
There's a knock on his door and he rushes to open, a smile on his face, because he cannot believe that man - he either forgot something in a rush or just decided to say goodbye properly. William wishes it's the second, he wants another wet kiss, or touch, maybe the studio time is cancelled and they will go for another round. Jesus, William can't remember last time he had sex this good and this many times in such a short period. Door is opened.

\- What did you forg... Nina?! Hi!

William's face transforms in a second after he sees Nina standing in front of him. It's not possible that universe is already punishing him like this. William stands at the door, naked, not letting his girlfriend through, still in shock.  
She just looks at him, seemingly not so confused by William's nakedness, because he does tend to sleep like that occasionally. But she's being impatient now, still standing in the hallway.

\- What's happening? Have you seen a ghost? - she questions him and walks in, her long dark brown hair in a perfect high ponytail. Wearing a Burberry trench coat and high heel Manolos she looks like she just walked out of a fashion magazine photoshoot.  
William looks thoroughly fucked out.  
And he literally is.

\- What are you doing here? - he closes the door, then stumbles while pulling on his joggers.

\- I decided to pick you up, we're going to that lunch, remember? I just picked up some picture frames Charlotte ordered for her house, she couldn't make it this morning. So I thought while I'm in the neighbourhood, I can come and get y.... William, are you listening to me? - William is actually listening but at the same time is scanning the room to see if Lennon left any traces.  
The whole room still smells like sex and sin but maybe to William only. Two glasses on a bedside table. Lube and condoms? They were on the bedside table. Now they're somewhere in the sheets. Sheets stained with cum. Used condoms, wrappers? Fuck. Nina is not going to that part of the room luckily but William will have to think fast.

\- Why don't you sit here and I will get ready in a second. You know what..I'm ready now.

\- You're only in your joggers. I know you like it casual but maybe you should add a t-shirt? -she laughs at him, and he smiles uncomfortably, yeah, he should wear actual clothes.

\- Yeah, right.. Silly me. Wait here, I will just grab some jeans and a t-shirt. - William goes to his suitcase, and puts the first thing he finds, some jeans and a white t-shirt. Then grabs his phone and wallet. Shit, he sees a black hair elastic right there on the floor, close to where Nina is.

\- You might want to bring a jacket, it's a bit chilly this morning. London is always so cold. - Nina complains, and William goes back, reluctantly, and picks up a black hoodie. Lennon's.  
Damn it, he can't get rid of him. He still has this piece of clothing with him, after Lennon gave it to him in New York. He will never admit that he carried it with him to possibly use it as an excuse to see him. Maybe he can use it for next time? _Fuck, what is wrong with me, I just almost got caught and I'm still thinking about next time?!_

Nina is watching him suspiciously now, and he does try to read her face as well, does she suspect something? Did she see something he missed?

\- How was the rest of the party? - he decides to change the subject while rushing her out.

\- Do you really want to know? Anyway you'll hear all about it at lunch, Charlotte will join us there. - she replies a bit irritated, but William decides to ignore her, closes the door behind them and puts the tag on the door knob for housekeeping to clean his room.


	14. I want the one I can't have

Lennon POV

Lennon's phone is ringing again and his heart skips a beat in hope it is William. But it isn't and he just ignores it because he doesn't feel like talking to anyone else.

He promised he would call him, and Lennon firmly believes that promise made in the state they were in certainly can't be broken. After William made him reach all those highs in only one night it was like some liquid adrenaline had been injected right into his bloodstream strong enough to make him tingle, to move his body from that long hibernation it was in. His blue eyes were wild, his touch made Lennon feel just a little more lost, and a little more at home.

A few passersby recognise them but they're not disturbed, rarely any locals will approach them in their own neighbourhood. He is sitting in a Camden pub garden just near his and Jorja's rental flat, it is a sunny and windy afternoon, so he pulls his hair in a high messy bun sipping his coffee with Nate and Sam after they finished their session in a studio. He ended up playing Love is a laserquest by Arctic Monkeys over and over again. And for a minute it gets easier to pretend that you were just some lover. They are in the studio two days in a row. Second day after William. He is everywhere, in his thoughts constantly, in his body still, putting a smile on his face whenever he feels a bit of discomfort down there.

There hasn't even been the possibility of comparing any of what he'd done to him to what Lennon experienced last time he bottomed. Yes, he was nervous about William being completely inside of him, but he knew that as long as he focused on him, his face, voice, smell, everything would be okay. Even since he was sitting next to him at the hotel bar, fully clothed, his emotional essence was naked. In a good way. And that never happened with anyone he met before.

His phone chimes. It says William.

He smiles.

His stomach sinks heavily. Flashback of William pounding hard into him while calling him beautiful. The message is simple and short, he's asking Lennon how he is. He has an idea.

\- Guys I gotta go. I'll see you tomorrow.

\- Wait, where are you going, I thought we're going to yours? - Nate questions him while Lennon is already sitting up, calling William.

\- Sorry mate, something came up. - Lennon has a wide smile on his face, dimples showing, and William answers his call. He missed the sound of his voice. - Hey. I have an idea if you're free now? - He says into the phone waving to his friends as he leaves the pub.

\- Yeah, right. Someone more likely. - Nate shakes his head.

*

Lennon picks William up from his hotel in a yellow Ford Fiesta. The familiar smell of him fills in the car as he sits down and Lennon starts driving.

\- Hey. Didn't see you as a Ford Fiesta guy. - William smiles at him.

\- Haha. It's not mine, it's Jorjas. I don't have a car yet, thinking about buying one soon, hopefully. - Lennon explains. They still don't make a lot of money, even though they're quite popular in the UK. Lennon is not bothered by it, he lives quite comfortably as it is, sharing flat with Jorja is something he actually enjoys and cars he really doesn't need much with all the touring.

\- It's nice. So... What's your plan? You sounded quite excited on the phone - William asks.

\- Oh right. Well there's this place I really like to go, it's in East Finchley close to where I used to live with Liam and Nate. It's an old cinema. - Lennon explains while driving and hopes William will like the idea.  
He realises it sounds like a date. But he just thought that William would probably like to be in a non public place with him and also he didn't want to invite him to his flat, because he didn't want William to think he only wants sex. What does he want?

\- An old cinema?

\- Yeah, I'm hypster like that. - Lennon jokes.

\- Well with a man bun and that guitar in the back seat you sure look like one.

They laugh. And everything is back to being just normal, joking, relaxed William and Lennon. It is early for the movies but Phoenix cinema has been open since noon showing independent films, old classics or foreign-language films. They get some popcorn and soda and then Lennon buys two tickets.

\- This feels like a date. - William tells him.

\- Would you like it to be a date? - Lennon stares deeply in his blue eyes, curious about the reply.

\- Um.. Lennon I...

\- Will. Relax. It's not a date. It can't be anyway. For obvious reasons. - he mutters quietly mostly to himself but William hears.

\- What are we watching anyway? - William changes the subject following Lennon.

\- Um.. it's called Mujeres al borde de un ataque de nervios. - Lennon says in a really bad spanish accent and giggles.

\- What? - William bursts laughing and takes the tickets out of Lennon's hands.

\- Apparently it's a Spanish film from 1988. - William points out and Lennon snatches the tickets back showing them to the person in front of the entrance.

\- Do you speak any spanish? - William is amused by all this and follows Lennon in.

\- Nope. Do you?

\- No Lennon, I don't speak spanish you idiot! - William chuckles.

\- Great. We'll have fun then.

Lennon winks at him, grabs his hand and guides him in through the rows or red velvet seats. A smile stretches on his lips as he scans through the small old theater, noticing not more than ten people scattered around. He usually doesn't go to cinemas but this little theater is his all time favourite. The curtain falls in gorgeous pleats of thickest red velvet with burgundy tassels. He guides them all the way to the back row as the lights go off and they sit down on seats that are not the one's written on their tickets. They put sodas and popcorn next to them and all is right with the world.

Lennon observers William's face bright from the big screen, he looks like he is interested in the story on the screen, it is possible he likes the film, after all it is Pedro Almodovar and the man is a legend, Lennon knows that much of the famous spanish director. But William soon catches him staring and they exchange a knowing look. Wild and warm.

As they continue to watch the movie William reaches slowly to Lennon's lap and begins to unbutton his trousers. One button at a time, slowly, methodically, with no hesitation. He knows how to unbutton buttons. There is no fumbling, which is part of why he can't find the courage to say hey, what are you doing. The other reason Lennon can't find the courage to stop him is that he doesn't want him to. He was hoping for something like this.

No one is in their row, or behind them. After Lennon's trousers are unbuttoned, William takes off his coat and places it over his lap, chivalrous and careful. His hand slips under the coat that covers him, and finds its way through the unbuttoned trousers. William presses his warm palm firmly against his underwear.  
Lennon looks at him but William looks straight ahead, his face suggesting only that he is engaged in watching this Spanish movie. Lennon tries to watch, too, but is distracted by the warmth of his hand, and the protective sensation of being covered by his coat, its familiar scent and feel, which promised a whole world, one Lennon wanted a place in.

William concentrates on the film, or seems to, never looking at Lennon once, as his fingers move into his underwear. In this manner, both of them watching the film, the act of what he does with his hand is not just erotic but also slightly melancholy, significant. Lennon leans his neck against the back of the seat and tries to relax, to not be nervous or self-conscious. He focuses on red gazpacho, big golden earrings the lead actress is wearing, funny hair of Antonio Banderas. He watches these images in gold and red and white as William's fingers flutter and move. When his body begins to tense, William's hand understands and rhythm quickens. Suddenly, his orgasm finally comes, every muscle in Lennon's body drawing tight, every nerve lights up with pleasure, he grips the armrest hard and bites his lip to stifle a moan, fireworks spark behind closed eyes. Awareness creeps back soon enough, and he blinks his eyes open to find William still sitting next to him, casually eating popcorn, eyes on the screen like nothing happened.

It isn't long until the film finishes, so Lennon doesn't have to sit there too long in his wet underwear. His cheeks are flushed hot but he knows then and there - he is falling for him. Hard.

And he wants to do this again, with him. Nobody else.

After he cleans himself the best he can in the cinema toilet they walk out, it is late afternoon, a few unruly strands of his dark hair tingle his face in the spring breeze. It is cold enough for some to be in their winter coats still, but he makes no motion to suggest he even feels it. William's phone is ringing, and he ignores the call. And then it is ringing again, Lennon notices William's face, nervous and worried after he leaves it ringing again.

\- Is it her? - Lennon asks, a strange tone of his voice. Scared, painful. He doesn't want to dislike Nina, he met her and she's a lovely person. He hasn't really thought about her until today. But she is a person that very much exists in William's life. She is in the spot where he wants to be, needs to be, belongs.

\- Yeah, I can't talk to her now. Fuck. - William tries to shrug it off.

\- William, I think you should maybe talk to her. - Lennon is feeling brave.

\- And tell her what? Hey, baby, how are you, listen, just to let you know, I cheated on you. Multiple times. With a man. Have a goodnight. - William raises his voice at Lennon.

\- Well, no... Not like that. But I thought you did plan on telling her, maybe...about this. - William gives him a surprised look, not saying anything really for minutes and Lennon feels the cold of the night air.

\- I can't. - William walks beside him. Lennon watches him as he pulls out cigarettes out of his pocket, and lights one up. Just as he moves the cigarette from his lips he blows the smoke in the air carefully, deep in thought.

\- Can I ask you a personal question? - Lennon says and William nods, flicking the filter, the ash sprinkles across the cement.

\- Is the bigger problem that you cheated or that you cheated with a man? - Lennon's voice is serious but William laughs quietly, a short huff of air out of his nose that is barely perceptible.

\- She knows I was in a relationship with a man in Uni, I told her I'm bisexual. But I'm not out... it's not something I tell people. It's complicated. People close to me know, my dad and sister know. They're just not very happy about it, my father at least, therefore it's a topic I never talk about. But that's not the problem, Lennon.

\- William, I don't want this to be a problem for you at all. I just thought... I thought you want this, as much as I do. I mean, what just happened, in the cinema... That's what both of us wanted? - Lennon questions him, realising just at that moment how serious this conversation is and how it's so unlike him.

\- I'm really not sure what I want or what am I going to do, Lennon, this is not easy for me. Do you understand that? She is such a big part of my life that I can't just...

William is upset. Lennon is sad. He stops and William turns around wondering why he stopped so abruptly . Lennon looks at the ground, thinking of the mess he got himself and this man in, he doesn't want any of this, all he wants is William.  
Whenever he wants something he usually gets it. No complications. His body wants William and it is supposed to be just sex, so why did he dare to ask of this man to leave his long term girlfriend for. All his ex partners were just casual sexual encounters, emotions just aren't something he's dealt with much in the past. It's not like he ever dated or had serious relationships. Why dare to even imagine he can do that now? He didn't think this through.

\- The car is just here, I will drop you off.

William puts out his cigarette, they get in, William is typing messages on his phone most of the time, while there's quiet Led Zeppelin coming from the radio - Babe, I'm gonna leave you. His fingers play to the beat on the steering wheel for a minute or two.

\- Listen, William. I'm sorry. It's not my place to tell you what to do. You barely know me. - Lennon says breaking the silence. - I don't know why I said what I said. It's only sex. What this is. So... it really shouldn't bother me if you will say anything, or do anything about it. -

William looks at him with an unreadable face. Lennon has no idea why he allowed himself to feel all this, to even consider actual feelings towards a person he had sex with. Soon Lennon's car stops in front of Four Seasons hotel.

\- Yeah, you're right. - William replies and clears his throat. - Goodnight Lennon, thanks for the cinema.

William closes the car door behind him, and Lennon watches him walk into the hotel where a doorman greets him by shaking his hand.

\- Yeah, goodnight.


	15. Space date

Lennon POV

William is that 'nothing' when people ask him what he is thinking about.

It's been a few days now that he hasn't heard of him. Lennon definitely doesn't want to call him anymore, there is no point. He decides he will just distract himself but all he's done is drink. He drinks so he can just pass out and then sleep. He sleeps so they can meet again in dreams.

He barely leaves his flat. Nate is usually there, doing nothing as well. At times they will pick up their guitars. Nate would twist his fingers in all sorts of odd shapes to form chords, Lennon would join him. His gentle humming would fill the living room, then he would write some words down on a used cardboard KFC bucket that was left on the coffee table.

Jorja complains at times but mostly gives up and joins them when they light a joint. When pressure is too much, not like a tangled knot but like a ticking bomb, he needs to let it explode somewhere safe. That's why he has Nate. That's why Nate has Lennon. Liam used to be there too until he moved to New York. When he needs to vent, Nate is there. Lennon gets to yell his fucking lungs out and be a vengeful, crass, arsehole of fury and Nate sips his beer and nods in the right places. Only when Lennon picks up his pint, Nate asks him if he is ready for his perspective and if he is, Lennon will keep drinking, otherwise the shouting starts again. His job is to tell Lennon how he thinks the other side likely felt in his stories, tone Lennon down rather than egg him on. Sometimes Nate is right, sometimes he's way off. Nate's just the same, he calls Lennon, he goes. He vents, Lennon listens. They don't gossip, no one knows his secrets or Nate's. Sometimes just getting that rage out is the best thing he can do. Because rage is what he feels at this moment, rage towards himself. It is a torment he was not prepared for.

\- So, are you going to call him already or you'll just continue sulking? - Nate asks at one point not turning his head away from the TV screen. Lennon looks at him confused.

\- What are you talking about?

\- This guy you like.

\- How do you know I like a guy? I don't like a guy.

The nausea swirls unrestrained in Lennon's stomach, his heart feels as it's struggling to keep a steady beat. His melancholy mood hangs over him like black cloud, he knows the feeling, he's been there before, but not for this reason.

\- You wrote a lyric about missing him. Right there. - Nate points his finger on the words Lennon wrote on a piece of cardboard.

\- I don't miss him - Lennon gives up, looking at the TV, not actually paying attention .

\- Right.

\- It's just...- Lennon wants to put his feelings into words but he doesn't know how. Apparently he could only write them down.

\- Is the sex good?- Nate asks with a smug look on his face.

\- Good? He fucked my brains out all night, I think I actually passed out at one point. Oh and then he got me off in the cinema. - Lennon's skin shivers at the memory as he shamelessly admits this to his friend.

\- Oh. - Nate seems unfazed by this information at first but then turns towards Lennon suddenly - Wait. He fucked you? You told us before you don't like that? And you went to the cinema? Like on a date?

\- It wasn't a date. And it's not that I don't like to bottom. I didn't want it, with others. But with him I felt like that's what I wanted to do. It was spontaneous, it was natural. He just radiates that BDE, mate. - he shakes his head like he wants to get rid of the images.

\- The what now?

\- BDE, you know, big dick energy, just the confidence he has. And the way he took control, how he touched m... - Nate chokes on his beer next to him.

\- Whoa mate, ok ok I don't need to know all the details! Jesus.

Lennon closes his eyes and pinches his nose, then sighs.

\- I don't know Nate, I never met anyone like him, it's weird. I usually don't care about people I fuck. - Lennon is being honest.

\- Yeah I know, but it just means you like him. It's fine Lenny, people do that. You know, actually like each other for other reasons not just sex. I know it might freak you out but give it a go, why don't you call him?

\- Well, yeah but there's this thing. He...He is in a relationship.

\- Ok. Yeah, that might be a problem but it's not the end of the world. If he's seeing you then it means things are not great and he's not happy in his relationship, you know. I mean... I think. - Nate is trying to solve this problem but Lennon knows it's pointless. He'll just pour another pint from the home beer tap. He and Jorja installed it in their flat right after they moved in and realised that a lot of people would be hanging out here. He brings another one for Nate as well and sits next to him on the floor, between the sofa and a coffee table.

\- Who is he anyway, do I know him? - Nate continues the conversation taking the xbox controllers and handing one to Lennon.

\- It's Liam's friend from New York, William. - Lennon is saying his name for the first time out loud and it sets a hurricane in his soul.

\- William? William Hamilton-Smith?- Nate's head turns in Lennon's direction.

\- Mhm.

\- Fucking hell, Len. Since when? New York?

\- Well yeah, kind of. He kissed me then. And then we hooked up when he came to the UK last week.

\- He kissed you first? Bro ... He's with Nina fucking Perry from The Forgotten!- after that Lennon just explodes.

\- I know, Nate! Thanks for clearing that up. He says he doesn't know what he's going to do. I mean yeah, they've been together for a while but like you said, he is obviously not happy. I don't want to pressure him, you know. Hell, I don't even know what I want, I've never wanted to be with anybody before. It just feels right, when we're together. So yeah.. I am a bit desperate, just want to see him again but I don't want to push him away either. And...

\- Lennon...

\- ... and he called me first, you know, it's not like I forced him, everything was his initiative..

\- Lennon, shut up. - Nate tries to calm him down. - It's William Hamilton-Smith. You realise that? It's going to be harder than I expected.

\- Why do you say that? - Lennon looks at him curiously.

\- Well, he's not open about, you know.. Liking dick. You know who he is, it's just unlikely that he will break up his perfect straight relationship with his precious girlfriend to be with a gay punk from some irrelevant alternative band.

\- What do you mean, who is he?

\- He's a Hamilton-Smith mate, you know, just like one of the richest families in England, he's dad is Gabriel Hamilton-Smith, a baron or some shit. They do brunches with the queen and go golfing with the prime minister. They own Hamilton Records and some football clubs, maybe hotels and I think... - Lennon just stares at him speechless, not listening anymore. His dad is a baron? He's rich?

\- You didn't know?! - Nate asks him, with amusement on his face.

\- No. He didn't tell me who he was. - Fuck. Lennon is gulping his beer now, this brand new information confusing his mind even more.

\- Well yeah, Liam told me at the pub after our gig. I saw you two getting all chatty and touchy, so I thought you will hook up but then Liam told me who William was and how his family doesn't approve of him being out and, you know. They don't like scandals in the royal circles. I didn't actually think he would make a move on you.

There was hope before. A tiny flicker. Not so much now.

He sits motionless, unaware of the time that passes. This feeling soon is about to become a memory. This person who is constantly in his thoughts is going to become a silhouette. Their conversations will become nothing but a record that will be played over and over in his head. Promises made in the wrinkled sheets of one hotel room will soon fade away with time and all that will remain is its fragment.

People tend to say a lot of things, commit in the heat of the moment, but that's how it is in reality. Lennon knows that words should never be trusted, he trusted his own family once and that didn't turn out well.

It's not like William ever promised him anything, both of them didn't know what they got themselves into. But the hope that they will find out together what it is is gone.

He doesn't want to complicate William's life by being in it. Apparently it already is complicated by being in one of the richest and most famous families in the country.

The handle of the apartment door jiggles.

\- Where are my beautiful boys?- Jorja enters with some shopping bags, her curly black hair in a high ponytail. She kicks off her high heels and drops the bags on the floor, then she flops on the sofa behind Lennon and Nate who are still sitting on the floor, playing xBox.

\- Sup Jo. - Nate greets her, while Lennon stays quiet, almost like not even noticing that Jorja came in.

\- You two didn't even move since I left. At least have a shower. You stink.

\- Thanks. - Nate replies jokingly.

\- What's up with this one? - Jorja pokes Lennon's cheek .

\- Leave him alone. He's in love with William Hamilton-Smith. - Nate bluntly says before Lennon can even answer. He shots a death stare at Nate.

\- Nate. What a fuck! Shut up. - Lennon shouts and Jorja laughs at this and hugs Lennon from behind.

\- Aww it's ok Lenny, he's gorgeous, that man. Those cheekbones, and blue eyes, and that body, did you see his bum? - Jorja jokes but Lennon doesn't find it funny.

\- Oh piss of. Both of you. - at that moment Lennon receives a message and the phone chimes from the sofa Jorja is sitting on, so she reaches for it before Lennon can. - Give me the phone, Jorja.

\- Oh, who's this? - Jorja looks at Lennon's phone while he's trying to reach her from the floor.

\- Jorja, I'm warning you. Give me the bloody phone now. - Jorja is smiling mischievously at the phone and then at Lennon.

\- It's your loverrrrr, here you go. Don't worry, I haven't read it. - Jorja hands him the phone, and Lennon opens the message. It is William. He won't reply.

\- What does he say? - Nate asks, still only focused on his game.

\- It doesn't matter. I'm not planning on replying. - Lennon is determined. Jorja is curious.

\- Wait. What is actually going on here? You are actually in love with this guy? I thought you're only friends and flirting and stuff, he's got that actress for a girlfriend. Right?

\- I'm not in love.

Is he? He can't be. That's just not it. His only crime is that he loves beautiful things and when he sees them he gets them.

William is just too beautiful and too out of his league to handle, just too much work, too much drama, he has to admit his defeat. Right now, he needs old Lennon to be back, not this dumb Lennon with undefined feelings.

\- I need to get out of here. - Lennon says, throwing the phone away from him.

\- Should we go out? It's Saturday . -Jorja questions.

\- Yeah let's go out. I will call Tinie. - Lennon grabs his phone back and scrolls down his contacts.

\- Tinie? So you mean business tonight? - Nate smiles.

\- Yup, why the fuck not. Tinie always has good stuff and it's Saturday, we don't have any work in the studio until Thursday and that Gala is next Saturday. - Lennon explains, a bit of excitement now in his voice.

\- Ok sure, I'm in, I will call Sophie she was telling me about this party in Fabric tonight. - Jorja also scrolls through her phone, and Lennon thinks how he doesn't like Jorja's friend Sophie much but he does like raves in Fabric and he'll get something good and strong from Tinie anyway, so he won't mind anybody's company really.

\- Last time I was in Fabric I didn't return home for like three days. - Nate says. Lennon laughs.

\- I remember. Kind of. It was Liam's birthday.

Lennon thinks it's time to shower and actually looks forward to tonight. He stands up and walks towards the bathroom, the phone with the unanswered message _I need to see you tonight_ in his pocket burning the skin through the jeans.

*

They arrive in Farringdon and Sophie, knowing the owner of this iconic London club, makes sure they enter without waiting in the queue. She's short, too skinny and talks way too much about completely random stuff but Lennon likes the fact that she can get them in easily because he can't deal with trivialities like queuing up.

\- Adam Beyer is on tonight, it's going to be madness. - she says.

He messages Tinie as soon as they enter and they meet. Tinie is a dealer he trusts and knows for a while now. Lennon doesn't take drugs on a regular, at least not as much as he used to but techno parties are something Nate, Liam and he loved to experience, they even met at a club like this one night in London when he was high and broken, body too young but mind tired and old. They were moving in the same crowd, Lennon with his friends from the modelling agency he used to work for and Liam and Nate, high school friends who liked to party hard. And that was the time they started experimenting with drugs. Liam was trying stuff out like any curious rebellious boy in their eighteens and the best place for that were clubs with techno music. Nate was more into rock music, he already had a band then and usually just played music all the time. But together they discovered ecstasy in one of the clubs and life was never the same.

He can't wait for the feeling. He just wants to be happy again. After he buys little smiley pills he joins Nate, Jorja and Sophie on the dance floor. People sway, jitter, hop around, bob their heads, jerk their shoulders, shake their hips, grind in couples. Some hug together and twirl around. Fabric's main dance floor is a perpetually dark place illuminated, infrequently, by flashing lights overhead and packed, hour after hour, with increasingly sweaty people.

Lennon discreetly hands three pills to his friends and downs one himself. He's not going to think about William, he will find somebody else. He slips into the crowd.

Shadows around him are moving in the rhythm. Body heat, a communal momentum, an ominous euphoria. After an hour molly starts to kick in and he welcomes the feeling. First sign is the music. It's like he hears it for the first time. Giant, booming drum beats and bass lines bearing down and building up again and again, with relentless impact. When Lennon hears it it is like liquid adrenaline being injected right into his bloodstream - not so strong as to freak him out, but just enough to make him tingle and start to move his body.

He'd never had a dance class, but he, Liam and his mates had jived to music since they discovered clubbing. You don't have to actually know how to dance in this place, your body just knows. So he dances, a smile on his face, long hair let down - he doesn't dance to show off, to make others watch - but they do. He is used to attention and he likes it now.

He likes every single person in this room too at this moment. The music is so loud that it makes his skin tingle and his lungs feel like mush. The bass is thumping in time with his heart beat as though they are one, filling him from head to toe with music. He looks at his friends. They're all grins, they all look like idiots and they don't care. Inside they're just happy, happy and more alive than ever.  
Lennon feels the part of him that's really him comes out to play, to feel the vibe of the music and let his body go free. He feels his heart open to the most infinite, deepest love he can possibly imagine.

Damn, he loves this drug.

But he needs more water, he's getting more thirsty by the second. Or hour. He doesn't really know the concept of time right now, he never does when he's on ecstasy.  
There's a short haired girl right next to him at the bar, wearing all black, and she turns around, her beautiful blue eyes looking straight into Lennon's and he instantly smiles at her.

\- I know eyes like yours. - Lennon tells her, feeling of love consuming him now. She smiles.

\- And who they belong to?

\- They're not here. - Lennon's mind goes on a journey far away from here and he tries to stop it, but he's weak. Her eyes are blue, not the right shade of blue like he first thought when he saw her. And she's pretty, seems like she's into him too because she's leaning in, touching his hand.

\- I'm here though. I can make you forget. - she whispers into his ear and he likes that, he feels every little tingle that her breath leaves on his skin and then William says I need you and his body tenses.  
He misses his touch so much, he needs him too, he closes his eyes, he kisses his neck, it is so warm and his whole being is focused on that little peck he leaves on his skin. He wants to shout to the world how much he needs him too but the music is too loud, nobody will hear him.  
There are lips on his earlobe just gently sucking, it feels fucking amazing.

\- I never want to forget you, Will. - he breathes out in his ear and he tries to pull him closer now but the body in front of him stiffens and steps back a little, Lennon looks surprised and William says something but he can't quite understand.

\- I'm not William. - he hears now. His eyes have grown dim, but heart is still full of hope.

\- What?

\- I'm not William, you're fucking waisted. - she gives him a once over - We can leave if you want... As long as you don't call me by some bloke's name and you're aware I don't own a dick.

The girl in front of him is talking and her voice is crystal clear now, he hears perfectly, it's not William, he was never here. Before she can say anything else he grabs four bottles of water that he bought and runs away from her.

After he finds his friends, still full of energy, he's happy to see them. He gives them the bottles of water and they all thank him, Jorja hugs him and tells him how much she loves him.

\- I love you too, Jo.

Lennon is still thinking about the girl he just had a close encounter with. That was some creepy shit, he thinks. But it is eye-opening. He takes the phone out of his pocket and knows in his soul he's doing the right thing.

Is it late to meet now? Is all he writes and drinks some water. After only a few seconds he receives a reply, he can't be happier it seems, a big grin on his face and Jorja shakes her head.

\- Is it the lover?

\- I'm going to see him now. He's going to pick me up. - Lennon says shyly, all rosey cheeks and glassy eyes. - I'm so fucked Jorja, aren't I?

\- Yeah babe, you are. And not from drugs. - Jorja tells him, hugging him tightly.

Lennon leaves the club soon after receiving a message from William that he's outside.


	16. Inside my love

Lennon POV

\- Hey you. - Lennon says once he enters William's black McLaren 650S and shuts the door. To say he's impressed with the car is putting it mild. But he doesn't comment about it, or about how many billions William has in his bank account.

\- Hey.- William says carefully. He starts driving. - Where to?

\- To the end of the world. If it's with you. - Lennon jokingly starts singing these words, a song he wrote recently and William turns his head smiling. Lennon stares back, and starts smiling like a five year old.

\- How does my hotel sound? It's certainly closer then the end of the world.

\- Yeah ok. It does feel like that room will be the end of me anyway.

Lennon doesn't think after he speaks words. It's what he wants. He doesn't want to hide. Not tonight. William knows that anyway, he can read right through him. He always looks at Lennon like he knows him better then himself.

\- Man. What are you on? - William smiles and reaches Lennon's chin, turning his head towards him. Lennon loves the contact.

\- I'm just happy Will, I'm not high. You better watch the road, beautiful, I know you like my eyes but you don't want us to crash. - Lennon flirts.

\- I can't bloody see your eyes Lennon, you're pupils are huge. You took E, am I right? - William questions while continuing the drive to the hotel through the busy London roads even at this time of night.

\- Yeah. I just wanted to be happy again. I guess. - Lennon confesses and William is quiet, gripping harder his steering wheel.

\- You are not happy? - William tone is serious.

\- I am now. - Lennon says quietly, more to himself, but reaches slowly over the gear stick and gently pokes William's thigh, innocently at first, almost like a child would, but then firmly places his hand there, not moving it. They don't say anything else.

*

When they enter William's hotel room, Lennon breathes in deeply, all the smells reminding him of the last time he was here. He is definitely coming down from the high now, but his feelings and sensations are still heightened, making him realise that he's breathing the same air William is.

\- I wasn't here for a few days, I was staying at my sister's place, spending some time with her because, well I go back to New York at the end of the next week. - William says to Lennon while handing him a glass of water. - You might want this.

\- Thanks. You're not judging me now because I got high? Mr posh-rich-baron's-son? - Lennon mocks him before drinking his water. It is so cold and it feels amazing in his throat. William's eyes look better, much better than girl's at the bar, he thinks now, even though there is a slight surprise in them after what Lennon just said.

\- Great. I guess you know who I am.

\- Apparently everybody knows who you are. But me.

\- That right there is the reason I didn't tell you... - he sits down in a neatly designed lounge area. Head bowed down. Lennon sits next to him.

\- In the beginning I thought you knew, I mean people from England usually recognize my last name. Also Liam could've told you. But soon I realized you really didn't know so I just didn't want to say. I liked that, liked being just some random guy.

\- Random guys don't own condos in West Village, stay in president suits of Four seasons and drive McLaren's. - Lennon doesn't look at him, just picks up a remote and starts flicking through the channels.

\- The McLaren is not mine, it's my sisters, I... - he looks embarrassed -I was in a rush to pick you up as soon as you texted so I took her car.

\- You know it doesn't really matter, William. I wouldn't judge. Maybe you would, but I..

\- I don't judge Lennon, I'm not my father. I'm sure I started getting high out of spite way before you even knew about drugs. - William speaks firmly while they are sitting on the sofa.

\- So a rebel in the heart. Doing things just to spite your father. Some things are definitely clearer now. - Lennon muses, still interested in everything else but William next to him.

\- Look. I'm sorry, ok? And I'm not seeing you to spite my dad, if that's what you are thinking. What do you want to know about me? I didn't actually lie about anything.

\- What about your full name? - he looks at him now.

\- It's Gabriel. Gabriel William Hamilton-Smith the Second.

\- Jesus. - Lennon laughs. - I like Gabriel. Can I call you Gabby now? - he's starting to enjoy this too much.

\- You can call me whatever you want, Lennon. - he looks at him with a strange spark in his eyes and Lennon tries to understand it. - I usually always use William, and my family and friends call me William because well, it's less confusing, my father's name is Gabriel.

\- Why did you hide that?

\- I don't like it when people realise that I'm Hamilton-Smith's son. - He begins, looking away.

\- Why?

\- Many reasons. They either expect me to be as good, which is impossible considering he's one of the most successful businessmen in Europe. Or they expect me to want special treatment, throw his name around to get what I want. - William sighs. - I never used his connections. I didn't want to work at West End because I knew people would think I only got the spot there because of my name. Not that he would ever allow me to, he hates my career in theater. - William dares to look at Lennon. - That's why I moved to New York and started at Broadway. - it's quiet except for Lennon's restless fumbling with the remote. - Give me that, what are you looking for? Do you seriously want to watch TV now? - William takes the remote from him. Lennon looks at him with a soft smile.

\- I just wanted some music in the background. - he says- I can still hear the buzzing from the club in my ears and it's annoying. Sorry. I don't care about your dad. Or who you are. It was just hard realising I don't really know you that well.

\- I ... here, I can switch bluetooth on, we can play the music from my Spotify. - William tells him and starts setting it up, then hands him his phone. - You can pick what you want to listen to.

\- Thanks. - he starts scrolling on his phone - Wow, some good tunes you have here.

\- I listen to music a lot, it's always been a big part of my life. And in my family.

\- Cool. Oh, you've been listening to my songs? - Lennon is amused after he sees some of his songs in William's playlist. William smiles. Lennon chooses Tame Impala and plays it in low volume.

\- Yeah, of course. I'm your fan.

\- I don't want you to be my fan. I want you to just be mine. - Lennon says without hesitation, leaning in.

Contact is all he wants. Breath, touch, lick. Anything as long as it comes from William. And he is closing his eyes, so close to each other, so slow, feeling the warmth of his perfect body. He doesn't even want sex, it's so much more than being physical.

The touch of William's hand on his wrist, his forehead pressed to Lennon's, the way he brushes his hair out of Lennon's face, tucking it behind his ear. And still, he hadn't kissed him. Not once. He is beginning to go a little crazy. But likes all of it.

\- You said you needed me today. - Lennon whispers, eyes closed.

\- I need you all the time, Lennon. I desire to be with you. I miss you. I feel lonely when I can't see you. I am fascinated by you. I love how you taste, your smell, the feel of your skin touching mine. - William is pouring it all out, and he's not even the one that is high. He is brushing his lips against Lennon's, squeezing his hands in his lap.

\- William...

\- I'm sorry about the other day, I didn't want to be a dick, I just didn't know ...- William starts explaining, his breath on Lennon's lips, igniting something inside.

\- Shhhh... stop talking. Just kiss me. - Lennon is impatient. William leans and kisses him. It's only a brush of his lips against Lennon's, but it's the sweetest kiss he's ever received in his life.

\- You're high. - William teases him and Lennon smiles.

\- You're not and that's not fair. - Lennon takes a little bag from his pocket and waves it in front of William's face with a smirk. - But we can fix that.

\- Weed?! Fucking hell. - they both start laughing and William gets up searching for his cigarettes so he can roll a joint. - You're a bad influence, Lennon Lewis. This is a non-smoking room you know. - he adds.

\- Well I know someone who's insanely rich that we can borrow some money from to pay the fine.

\- Hilarious. So funny. Anyway, I think they'll look the other way, I never smoke in my room so this one time shouldn't be a problem.

\- Wait. Your room? As you actually live here?

\- Yeah. I'm part owner of this hotel chain.

William gets everything he needs and sits back down on the sofa, then starts rolling the joint, mixing Lennon's marijuana with his cigarette. He doesn't even notice how Lennon just watches him attentively, in shock after he just said he owns this hotel while rolling a perfect blunt. And he's realising now how many more things he learnt about him.

\- What? Told you I don't judge you for getting high. - William defends himself and lights the joint. They laugh again, they inhale, they exhale, Lennon comes closer again. They kiss.

\- You know, sex is even better on weed? - Lennon says seductively.

\- Can sex be any better than it already is? - William asks, licking his lips.

\- It will. - Lennon leans in and starts kissing William's neck, gently sucking on his skin.

\- Mmm... You have to stop doing that, you're going to leave a mark.

\- Yeah, that was the idea. - he breathes over the wet skin leaving goosebumps. Then he stops suddenly. - What? You worry that she's going to see it?

\- Lennon...

\- Do you plan on her to see you naked anytime soon then? Have you slept with her after me? - Lennon's jealousy shows and he can't stop it. He hates this. Why can't he shut his mouth? He has no right.

\- I'm...I'm not answering that. - William stutters and takes a drag from the joint and Lennon breaks the contact.

\- I haven't slept with anyone. Since we kissed in New York. I can't believe it. It's like my dick is broken, it only works with you. It's quite sad, isn't it?

William is still sitting on the sofa, confusion on his face, and Lennon slumps back into the soft cushions. He is ruining this, whatever this is.

\- Come here.

William grabs him by the waist and brings him close, places him on top of him, so that Lennon is straddling his lap. He roams his palms over Lennon's thighs as they tense against William.

Lennon loves his touch but he always craves for more, he needs to feel more skin. He takes his shirt off, and then starts unbuttoning William's. Those blue eyes are following his every movement. Sometimes William can be so quiet, but says so much with his eyes.

There's smoke around them, light from the lamp is not strong, just about right, Lennon feels emotions washing over him.

\- I don't know why I'm saying all these things. I don't know... what I'm feeling, but there's a lot of it. - Lennon says.

\- You're just being honest. I'm the one playing hot and cold with you.

Lennon takes the joint from William, takes a hit and holds the smoke in his mouth. He presses his lips onto William's and opens his mouth while William sucks the smoke in. As a small but teasing smile creeps upon William's face, goosebumps line his skin and William pulls him closer against his chest.

His hand gently glides through his hair, as he looks at Lennon in a way nobody ever looked at him before, eyes are candles in that light, a bit from weed a lot from Lennon.

And Lennon knows that look on William's face. A look that breaks all his walls like a wrecking ball and says _I know what you want Lennon, you're needy, and desperate, and lost, and you need me to take control._

His exploring fingers are going down William's six pack all the way to the waistband of his underwear, tracing that sinful V line that disappears in his trousers. William's body gets him more high than drugs, he thinks.

So now that they are high on marijuana there is no turning back from the inferno in which libido and marijuana are the best of friends. Lennon's right hand lightly grazes William's hard on, then he takes another hit and gives the blunt back to William. With no hesitation he opens his zipper, pulls his erect cock upwards and out. William has such a beautiful cock, uncut, perfectly shaped, slightly bigger than his- and he is big, so he knows it will fill him good, he needs it stretching him. Under his constant pull it gets under that point of no return, hard and leaking.

Not long after Lennon slides down to the floor, kneeling in between his legs, he licks the tip then drags his tongue up the length, swirling around the head.

\- Mmm. So sweet. This dick. Want to lick it like a fucking lollipop. - he rolls his tongue around the shaft- No. Sweeter than a lollipop. Fucking honey. Honeydick. Maybe that's why I'm always craving you.

And then he takes it all, deep and slow. The sweet smell of William's skin and weed is all he could focus on at first. MDMA in his bloodstream shifts focus then on the sound of William's cock going in and out of his wet mouth and William's whispering of his name.

Lennon wants him to scream it, not whisper. He wants to touch parts of him no one else has touched. To own a piece of him that's yet to be discovered. He wants him to stop resisting, to let go, to shout out loud not whisper like he is hiding. William stops him before he comes, tells him to get up and take the rest of his clothes off and Lennon's cock twitches both at William's dominant tone and the thought of what's to come.

As their naked bodies press against each other, Lennon nearly loses his breath. Slipping one knee between his legs, William rubs his cock against Lennon's thigh. He loves the feeling of his dick against him, still slick from Lennon's saliva.

\- Turn around.- William whispers in his ear.

Lennon nods shakily in agreement, brow furrowed with need and then turns, William bending him over the sofa. A rush of heat washes through his body, as William moves the tip of his cock closer to his hole.  
He feels William move away from him, but returns seconds after, opening the bottle of lube. He spreads his asscheeks and all Lennon thinks is _finally_ when his slick fingers wander inside. Soon Lennon can barely contain his moans, with his lower lip bitten on between his teeth. He hears a condom being opened.

\- No. - he pants. - Want it without a condom. Please.

\- What?

\- I'm clean. Got tested as soon as I came from New York. I haven't fucked anyone but you. I didn't lie about that. Can you trust me? - Lennon needs this, he needs to feel as close to him as possible.

\- I... I trust you. Yeah. Fuck.

\- Exactly, let's fuck. Want to feel you bare. Unless you need a condom?

\- I'm definitely clean too. - William is trailing fingers softly over the bump of his ribs, dimples of his back, inked frame on his back and then he brushes his thumb over his hole.  
The clean-shaven skin of his asshole flutters under his touch, he secretly wanted William to see it and like it smooth. - That's all I've been imagining, Lennon. You've been too, m? - he spreads more lube over it, making Lennon moan.

\- Wish you could see yourself. I fucking love your pretty hole, so smooth. You did this for me, Len? - and gone is his speech and his sanity. -Wanted to look sexy for me when I fuck you bare and fill you up with my cum, didn't you?

\- Yeah... - Lennon groans, barely believing that William he knows is saying all these obscenities.

\- Fuck, Lennon. - Lennon can't see him but it's almost like William can't believe what is happening to him. - Well I'll give it to you.

Feeling his thick cock pushing, Lennon moans overcome with pleasure. William slides it into Lennon pulling him apart.

Lennon's mouth drops open in surprise of how big he is, so huge, so hot, so slick, and so not like anything before. His body tingles taking all of him, it's as if he feels William's cock throbbing pleasurably, strangled by his tight hole.  
\- Fuck. You're so tight. - William crackles with pleasure, squeezing Lennon's ass with both hands and spreading his cheeks so he can watch his cock thrust in and out. He is fucking him good, changing the angles to find the one that is the best for Lennon. He touches the place where they connect.

\- Yeah, like that. Like that, oh, oh my god. - Lennon whines as William brushes right up his sensitive spot, he is fucking him forcefully now and Lennon looses himself in sounds and smells and feelings.

William is loud all of a sudden, just as he wants him. Nearing orgasm he slides his hand up Lennon's back grabbing his hair. Gripping enough to let him know that he is there, tugging at his tangled hair, hitting his prostate dead on continuously with each thrust.

\- Lennon! You feel so, so good, baby. I'm ... So close. - William grits out, thrusting even faster, his balls slapping against Lennon's ass. - Will you come for me, baby? I wanna feel you come. - flutters in his stomach go into overdrive. _Baby._

\- Fuck ... Yeah, yeah... William...

Lennon can feel his body being touched in the most intimate way, but what pushes him over the edge was William calling him baby. Baby. That's something you'd call a boyfriend not a hookup.

And he comes untouched, dripping all over the sofa, screaming into the soft cushion. Seconds later William swears as his hips pound against Lennon's ass, and the pleasure rips right through him when wet warmth starts spreading through his hole. _Baby. Baby. Baby. Am I your only baby now?_

William rushes to bring Lennon's face closer to him grabbing him for the throat, gently but firmly, so his back is pressed flush to William's chest. - Come closer. I need you to kiss me, missed your lips.

And Lennon obeys, just as William's softening cock slips out, both breathing heavily, skin still sensitive, colours of William's eyes more prominent now.

\- You're beautiful. How can you be... ? I met this girl and, and thought her eyes, I thought... but, b-but... it wasn't you.- Lennon is mumbuling against his lips, his mind swimming in that lovely shade of blue while William keeps him pinned to him with one arm across his chest.

\- Shhhh.

\- How could I...

\- Len. Len. Shhhh... - he shushes him until he is quiet again, skin full of goosebumps.

Then he rubs his thumb on Lennon's fucked opened hole, spreading the cum that is dripping out of it, making Lennon shiver and clench.

\- Filled you up so well.

He then slides his hand around Lennon's shoulder from behind and pushes the thumb in Lennon's mouth. He wraps his lips around it, tasting the cum and hums with content at the taste.

\- Want more?

Lennon whimpers, clearly overwhelmed, but nods eagerly.

William gently teases his finger back into his gaping hole, moans escaping his lips, as Lennon starts pushing back on William's finger, spreading his legs wide. He is so loose now, finger sinks right in, William brings up another finger, spits on it for good measure and then he is sliding the second one alongside the first with a filthy sound. It's obscene really, knowing that William's cum is right there inside him, and he is making it stay in his hole with his fingers. That part of him will stay there, safe and warm, after he leaves, something to try to hold onto, if only in memory.

This will continue for hours. He can't get enough.


	17. Wandering romance

Lennon POV

Drugs keep them awake and horny until Sunday afternoon. When they can't fuck anymore, they cuddle. Or talk. The room is still very much dark, with thick curtains drawn, so they're not reminded that the world after all is not standing still.

Messy bed is their perfect world, they are sprawled lazily, for hours, coming down from a high but content. They made a universe for themselves where only they had access.

Lennon would run his finger slowly along William's jaw, neck, each crevasse, each line along his perfect physique. William would watch his face while he did this. It seems more intimate than kissing him is.

Then they would kiss, sometimes slow, lazy, only brushing their warm lips, then passionately and dirty, tongues fighting for dominance. As they kiss William would roll Lennon over and lie on top of him, Lennon running fingers down his spine. Lennon's mind feels like it's floating on a fluffy cloud. These kisses are Lennon's salvation and his torment. He will die with the memory of them on his lips, he is sure.  
Lennon would get hard usually after William whispers what would he do to him, how hard he would fuck him next or how he loved the image of his cock in Lennon's perfect mouth. He thinks his filthy mouth is a side of William that nobody else knows but Lennon and that's why it gets him every time. To the world he is proper and perfectly behaved but with him he is this lewd sex-crazed beast.

After those whispers William's finger would trace the contour of Lennon's rosy parted mouth. It is evident to Lennon that William particularly loves this part of his face, he always seems to touch his mouth, kiss it or stare at it. His beauty mark too.

For a second Lennon is lost in a simple caress and the raw desire in William's eyes. Will he kiss him again? Lennon glares at William's lips too, only disturbing finger on his own preventing him from being the one to steal a kiss. He had gone mad for sure because he felt the unexpected impulse to dart out his tongue and lick that finger. But William reads his mind and inserts the forefinger in Lennon's mouth, making him suck it, then slowly pulls it out. They both moan hungerly. Lennon is intoxicated - he is intoxicating William, but it doesn't matter. Nothing would matter after this.

*

\- Stay another night. - William says at one point, somewhere in between licking and biting the insides of Lennon's thighs.

\- I don't think I can get hard again. - he looks and feels absolutely wrecked but has a giant grin on his face, just lying there, catching his breath after another orgasm.

\- We don't have to have sex. - his fingers come crawling over Lennon's stomach, while his head rests on his thigh. - Stay.

\- What about...? - he can't say the name. - I mean, isn't this suspicious?

\- She's not here, she's in Scotland for a few days, on a photoshoot for Vogue or something. - the fingers are now dipping in splatters of cum there, slowly spreading it out across his stomach.

\- It's not like I can move even if I wanted to.

\- Want to eat? Should we order? - William asks. Lennon takes his hand, that is playing with his cum and licks one of his fingers dry.

\- There. I'm full.

\- You're so fucking obscene.

William chuckles and kisses his hip bone. It's strange and gentle and not sexual. Just sweet. Then he shuffles on the bed and lights a cigarette. He stands up to open the window and Lennon just watches him. His naked body, leaning over the window, faint street noise, spring night air mixing with the smell of sex and smoke in the room, the muscles of his back and that perfect ass lit by the glow of the television that neither of them is paying attention to.

He would like to fuck that ass but he's just enjoying being fucked so much now that he won't ask William about that yet. He can't believe how comfortable he got around this man that he even let him see the most vulnerable part of him. He thought he would never want to have someone inside him again.

\- Let's order ice cream. - Lennon tells him from the bed with a smile that he's clearly not able to contain.

\- You want ice cream? Seriously? - William turns around, cigarette between his fingers with his half hard cock just hanging there. Lennon licks his lips while his eyes linger on William's crotch.

\- Mmhm.

\- Okay. - William can't help but smile too. Lennon's heart beats hard. It's 3 AM. He's staying another night. Maybe two.

*

Lennon knows the drugs are starting to wear off after the high and however high he went he will go that low, maybe even more so. Everything was still okay while William was awake and kept him distracted.

He ordered him ice cream and some random overpriced food from the hotel restaurant and they ate in bed while watching Blue Planet. Lennon has a shower afterwards and wears William's black knitted jumper that he finds on top of his suitcase. Just the jumper because he knows wearing underwear is pointless in this room. William is speechless after seeing him walking around like that.

They nap. William goes to the gym at some point and Lennon sends him pictures of him touching himself.

William comes back with coffees but they go cold because he rushes straight to bed, rolls Lennon over and slaps his naked ass really fucking hard few times.

He spreads him open and licks his hole while Lennon is still wearing William's jumper and smells like his cedarwood shower gel. William licks up and down, twirls his tongue around the rim, pushes it in and out of his hole as if he can't get enough.

Lennon's mind is dizzy, back arching as William spits right on his hole pushing one of his fingers inside of him. Then another one. Then pushes his tongue inside in between them. When William rubs the nerves inside, he shakes and moans and just before he's incredibly close William pulls his fingers and tongue out leaving Lennon whimpering desperately into the mattress. He wants to cry how intense all this is.

\- Wanna come. Make me come. Can you... Where the fuck are you...William? P- Please? -

He whispers or yells, the tip of his dick so red, leaking because of intense stimulation. His asscheeks are still burning a bit from that spanking and that just adds more fuel to the fire.

\- You were doing just fine without me while I was out. So finish yourself off then.

William walks of to the bathroom, seemingly not bothered but once he hears Lennon's moans from the bed, now lying on his back, erection in his fist and pushing the black fuzzy jumper up his belly, searching for his nipple, he is quick to come back, swearing at his own lack of self-control.

Lennon gasps at sudden feel of William's wet mouth, involuntary bucking his hips into it, and he is quick to find his release, tossing his head back into the sheets, hair falling into his face, sperm filling William's mouth as he proceeds to bob his head up and down.

He's too sensitive, chest heaving, toes curling and slowly William pulls off, allowing Lennon's dick to slip from his lips then moves up, hovers above his face - just staring into each other's eyes. Without warning William leans down for a kiss, pushing his tongue into Lennon's mouth. Taste of his own cum on his tongue makes his brain swim in a new wave of arousal, and he moves his lips against William's.

William smirks when Lennon swallows, lust and something else burning in his eyes.

\- Want yours too. - Lennon murmurs breathlessly, chasing after William's lips, hands trying to find erection in his track pants.

\- You sure, beautiful? I need to shower, I just came from the gym.

He says in between small gentle kisses. Lennon nods as he licks his lips, still tasting himself. William smiles into the kiss and swiftly moves on the bed positioning himself just above Lennon's face.

\- So dirty... Just can't get enough, can you? -

He is brushing Lennon's swollen, wet lips with the tip of his cock, he's still fully clothed in his gym wear with only his erection out. Lennon is begging with his eyes. He pokes his tongue to lick the tip.

\- Fuck. That mouth of yours. So pretty. Pretty baby. - Lennon is hypnotised when he hears the pet name. - You want this dick?

He pushes it slowly into his mouth, but pulls out quickly and starts jerking himself off at a brutal pace, only the tip touching Lennon's opened lips at times. In the daylight peeking through the windows, he looks ethereal when he releases on Lennon's face and mouth. Their moans echo against the walls.  
After they clean themselves up they kiss. Lots of kissing. Sweet honey kisses.

He doesn't know what day it is or what time. But now William has fallen asleep and all Lennon can feel is emptiness. He can't sleep, all he can do is look at William's beautiful sleeping face and wants to cry. He knows deep down it is the drugs making him feel that way, his brain feel-good chemicals have been used up, serotonin and dopamine will take a few days to replace, but he can't control it.

Then there is ringing from William's bedside table and when Lennon reaches for it to silence it so it doesn't wake William up, the name on the screen actually makes him cry.

One tear, or two he can't tell, but there they are, falling from his tired eyes. There is a picture there too, behind her name, William is smiling and she is kissing his cheek, they look genuinely happy. All of a sudden he feels disoriented, confused, wiping off the tears so William doesn't see. His mind is becoming an icy wasteland, the wind howls in his soul and wraps icy tentacles around his heart so tightly it almost stops beating. He sits there, longing for his touch again, even though he is right next to him.

His heart aches as he realises - his very first love is actually not his.

All he can do now is leave, because he can't allow another break down when William wakes up. So he takes a pen and paper and writes a little note for him, gets dressed quickly and leaves the room.  
His whole life smells like William, he realises walking out of the hotel. This will take time. Undoing him from Lennon's blood.


	18. Champagne supernova

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was obsessed with this back tattoo for years so I just had to include it in the story. The girls's name is Alysha Nett, if you want to check out her awesome ink.

William POV

Rolling over with a soft moan, William reaches for him, wanting to wrap his arm around him. Lennon's skin felt so good against his hand last night, his ass resting against William's torso and igniting new sparks of flame. William's body responds just thinking about him and things they've done.

It's too much sometimes. It's not like William doesn't have experience, before Nina he had partners, he wasn't a stranger to casual hookups and one night stands, he had another girlfriend but it didn't last long. So he is definitely not shy in the bedroom. But he's certainly never been like this before. Lennon is bringing out of him the side he never knew existed.

It's like he wants to own him, ruin him for anyone else.

Fucking him without a condom was such a stupid thing to do, but it's as he was under a spell. Lennon needed it so much, wanted to fill some emptiness inside of him that William knows exists, so naturally William was there to give him what he needed. It should've been wrong and twisted but it felt so natural.

Has this bed always been this big? He wants to have him near. He won't fuck him again because he worry it will be painful - there was times when they were rough. A stab of guilt cuts through him. He wants Lennon to recover, maybe draw him a bath or ask the receptionist to book him a spa day.

His hand travels over the bed, and William opens his eyes. He is gone. Running his hands through his messy bed hair, he gulps back a groan. He is still so tired, because they only managed to catch short bursts of sleep in between the fire. At least he slept, he isn't sure about Lennon.

He feels spent, yet euphoric. He runs his fingers over the pillow and remembers, his eyes closing as the sweet ecstasy of the last couple of nights penetrates the corners of his brain. He is not sure what time it is or when Lennon left and he can't help but wonder why he did it without saying goodbye.

When he gets up to open the thick dark curtains William notices the note.

_Your sex is fire. Your kiss is lava. You fucking ruin me. I'd willingly burn up in your flames, melt in your arms and suffocate with your breath if it meant I would see you again before you go back to New York. There's an event on Saturday evening, Radio One Annual Gala that I have to attend and it would be nice if we can meet there. LL_

Lennon's handwriting makes his heart skip a little and there's no doubt that Lennon Lewis is one of the most underrated lyricists in the world at the moment. If William was a teenage girl he is sure he would put the note in his diary. Together with the cinema ticket. He's in too deep. After checking his phone he decides to call Nina, Lennon's note still in his hand.

\- Hey, where are you all day? - he can hear from the other side of the phone, guilt building up somewhere in his stomach. Closing his eyes, he gets ready to say another lie. He is a bastard, he knows, but he can't fight the demon inside him.  
He's been messaging her a few times during these days but always short and without interest.

He wonders what went wrong, he was happy with her and his life was normal before this. He thought normal is what he needed.

He hated his life before New York. In school he was a miserable teenager who hated his rich friends, rich school and everything about being his father's son. When he was 12 or so he was getting in the car, his dad's driver ready to drive him to school. But his shirt wasn't tucked in. It was one of the biggest fights they ever had. Things like appearance were very important to his father but it seemed like he never cared who he was on the inside. He was never allowed to do things that he truly enjoyed, like acting in school plays or going to the skate park with friends that aren't from his rich school. First time his father saw him come home drunk he slapped his face and grounded him for a week. After that William just started getting better at annoying his father by drinking more, smoking more, getting high more.

When he was 18 he met Arthur in one of the rehearsals at the Royal academy of dramatic art which he attended, and the only reason his father allowed that school was because his mother asked him to on her deathbed.

He knew he liked Arthur the same way he liked his ex girlfriend. He wasn't denying it, he went for it. Wasn't ashamed when soon the whole school found out because he wasn't actually hiding - they made out in the hallways at occasions and had quickies in the toilets. Being with the same sex wasn't actually that strange in his school - the school was in London, where it was all normal and accepted but when his father found out, then it all went to hell. He made sure William regretted it - by beating the life out of him. Also he made sure Arthur never stepped his foot in the same University which made William cry more than the bruises on his body. So when he moved to New York at the age of 23 and met Nina it finally seemed that his life was normal. Peaceful and without drama. Like it never was before, like he desperately needed it to be.

But then he meets Lennon, and his mind is on him. Every. Fucking. Minute.

He makes William lose control. Lennon shook his hardened exterior and made William want him. It shouldn't have happened; wasn't in his plans. Lennon wasn't in his fucking plans. And, yet, when he is alone, the only thing that consumes his thoughts is Lennon, so as soon as Nina left for Scotland he was quick to message him.

All he wants is to listen to the delicious noises he makes while he fucks him. To feel Lennon's flesh around his as he comes for him, over and over again.

That alone is worth attending Radio One Annual Gala for. He could have said no, but something inside of him wanted to see Lennon in his natural surroundings, outside these four walls. If William was smart, he'd play sick and not go, but something darker inside of him wanted to see him around other people, in public. These feelings demanded to be explored, even as his mind warned him of the consequences. He considered the consequences, and, yes, they scared him. Lennon was pushing his boundaries, pushing his self-control.

\- So Nina, I was thinking, I kind of changed my mind about that event. I know I said I don't want to come with you but it would be nice.

\- Oh really? Not too tacky for you anymore? - Nina jokes on the phone, using William's words to describe the event that will most likely have all of the important and not so important celebrities of the British pop culture. When she told him cast from her show was invited and attending, William not so politely declined, calling it tacky wannabe celebrities shit show.

\- I still think that. But you know.. It's free booze.

\- Like you can't afford it? You have a bottle of Dom Perignon that's worth 8.000 pounds.

\- 8.600 actually. And it's in my father's house. I don't really want anything from that place. - William says.

\- You're unbelievable. But yeah, we'll go, I really wanted to. And I have this perfect gown for it. We'll have fun on our last night before going back home.

Nina says and her words are fading away while William brushes his fingertips over letters written on the piece of paper. He buries his face again in the pillow greedily drinking in their intermingled smells until his chest feels ripped open and his throat aches. _I don't belong with him, but I want it so badly_ he thinks.

He is tempted to allow Lennon's seduction. His kisses pushed him further, consuming his mind with a desire that scared him, and yet exhilarated him at the same time. It will be the last time he sees him before returning to New York which is good, because he needs to get away from him, and fast. Lennon is quicksand, and William is sinking.

*

Under the moonlight the avenue lays still. A warm but rainy day in May is now replaced by a cool breeze and William saunters under the trees with a Saint Laurent jumper dangling from his arm. He walks between the pools of streetlight, on the footpath that leads to the venue, Nina holding his arm, her high heels on the pavement still wet from rain, the only sound. A pair of headlights come blinding them temporarily, but then another one comes behind and they could now see dozens of people stepping out of their cars or taxis, dressed up, walking towards the event inside. Once inside they greet a few people and photographers take pictures of them that will end up in tomorrow's gossip columns.

The room is buzzing with excited chatter. The music grows louder as they walk in silence. Glittering chandeliers remind him of the life he was born into. Being inside this place with Lennon somewhere under the same roof, is driving him insane.

Nina says they should go and find the table where her friends are sitting but then in the sea of people he sees him. William stands there with his eyes locked onto Lennon.

William swallows the lump that swiftly fills his throat as Lennon's turquoise eyes sweep the room and land on William. He is decked out in a black velvet suit and black shirt slightly unbuttoned showing his tattooed chest. He is blowing his mind.

William has to remember how to breathe as he takes the stairs. When he and Nina reach the bottom of the stairs, Lennon walks over, his eyes roaming over William's body hungrily. His sexy grin is blinding, his jaw moving in a slow, wicked way as he is chewing on a gum and William nervously looks at the ground, not knowing what is Lennon planning to do or say in front of Nina. He shouldn't be looking at him like that in front of her.

But Lennon pulls her in a tight embrace and tells her how beautiful she is, he then compliments her dress and even guesses the designer. _Anthony Vaccarello let me keep the dress after the Vogue shoot_ she says proudly but Lennon then says _Anthony is a good friend of mine, been chasing me for months to model for his autumn winter campaign but I'm not into modelling anymore_. William can swear that he senses a bit of jealousy and competition in the casual name dropping or in the way he said how gorgeous she looked.

Then he hugs William, gently squeezing the jumper at his back, a gesture that Nina can't possibly see and William tenses, under his touch.

\- Nice to see you in London, William. - Lennon says convincely, pulling away from the hug.

\- Nice to see you too. - time for what William does best - acting.

\- I'm here with the band, we're just there at the bar. - Lennon points at Nate, Sam and Jorja laughing at something.

\- Awesome. Glad to see you all again, let's catch up?

Nina says excitedly and Lennon and William exchange worried looks. William knows Lennon's face well, even though they haven't spent that much time together, he can read his face easily. There are so many feelings there - nervousness, fear, sadness, confusion, but he is trying so hard to stay composed and put his best Lennon Lewis act.

William wants to tell him something, to comfort him, explain that he too is confused, scared but that he came anyway. He came because of him. He doesn't know why, probably to torture both of them more. Because it is madness to come to an event with your girlfriend when you know your lover will be there.

Nina is almost desperately holding his hand, almost like she knows that if she lets go William will run away from her. Maybe it is all in William's imagination, he is not thinking clearly at that particular moment - hundreds of conversations told in loud voices, all of them competing with loud pop music, Lennon and one of his tattoos on his chest shyly showing under the shirt, a tattoo that William now knows every line and shade of.  
Then they move and go to talk with the guys from the band at the bar, William and Lennon successfully ignoring talking to each other. Jorja is looking smugly between them and William thinks that she knows. He regrets coming here now because there will be no chance for him to talk with Lennon alone. He decides it's time to walk away.

\- Nina, I think we should go and say hi to your friends.

\- Oh yeah, the whole crew is there. Well, it was great to see you guys. - Nina flashes her pearly white smile. -Let me know when you're in New York again.

\- Definitely. Enjoy the champagne! - Nate winks and raises his glass.

\- Oh. Lennon. - Nina abruptly turns back around and William's heart sinks to the floor. - Since you're such a big fan of the series, why don't you join us, I can introduce you to the cast, they are all here, most of them I think? - Nina says all of a sudden and William closes his eyes in frustration. _Please say no Lennon, please say no_ \- he thinks.

\- I...I don't ..I might come a bit... later. It's .. - Lennon sees William's face and tries to escape but Nina grabs his hand.

\- Oh, come on. Just have one drink with us. You guys don't mind? - she turns to the rest and Jorja and Nate look at each other with a knowing grin, saying that they definitely don't mind, while Sam stays quiet like he really doesn't care or knows what they are even talking about.

\- Sure, yeah, one drink. Why not. - Lennon says and doesn't look at William, but smiles gently at Nina.

It's going to be a long night, William thinks.


	19. The knowing

William POV

Desperate times call for desperate measures, so William grabs the first glass of champagne that he sees. Nina shoots him a strange look but he can't care less if again she has a problem with him drinking. He really wants to let go of her hand now but he's scared that she might suspect something.

Maybe he wants for her to suspect, maybe they should fight and then it will all be out, he would not have to lie anymore. The thought crosses his mind as he watches Lennon shaking hands with Nina's friends, murmuring hey, how are you-s , being all lovely and charming, obviously happy to meet some of the familiar faces he likes watching on tv screen.

\- Oh my God, look who the cat dragged in. The one and only, Mister Lewis! - William and Lennon both look in the direction of this loud voice.

\- Oh. Hey Matty. You alright, mate? - Lennon smiles once he recognizes a young man in white shirt with black bow tie and ridiculously curly ginger hair. Lennon reaches out his hand but Matty has different plans and goes straight in for a hug - all that creates a really awkward embrace but Matty laughs at that so loud and grabs Lennon's face with both of his hands, kissing his cheek.

\- Oh you know I like to cuddle Lennon, why would you deny me that! -

Lennon winks at that, they both smile. William takes a sip of his champagne, a big sip - Matty fucking Sinclair. William was never a big fan of this pretentious loud actor and reality star that he met on Nina's set once, when she was filming a season of her TV series in New York last year, and now even more. Lennon doesn't seem to mind talking to him, they obviously know each other, but there is something more there and he can't help but look at the two of them, trying to figure it out.

William himself is on his third glass already and trying to keep a conversation with Nina and one of her other colleagues not far away from where Lennon and Matty are sitting. He can clearly hear Matty's obnoxiously loud laugh and see the way he is casually placing his hand on Lennon's leg while explaining something dramatically. The way Lennon's nearly half-unbuttoned shirt is showing his nipples when he moves is making matters worse. Matty's face is lit up brighter than a toothpaste commercial and he has that soft look on his face.

He fancies Lennon.

William realises that and can't stop looking at their interaction, something strange boiling inside of him. He really needs a cigarette now to calm his nerves but that means he has to go outside and there's no chance in hell he will leave. Lennon is watching him too. He nods at whatever Matty says to him, but every now and then he will look at William with worried eyes. And it is like William can't look away, he stares right back at him, paralysed in place. If anyone would look closer, they could see the perfected mask of pretense crumbling down and raw emotions taking over. If anyone would listen carefully, they could hear the cries buried down deep beneath the fake laughs. Then there is a vibration in his pocket and he notices Lennon getting up and leaving the table, fixing his long hair with his hand, disappearing in the crowd. William waits a few minutes and quickly reads the message when Nina isn't looking; it is from Lennon.

\- Excuse me, I'll quickly pop to the loo. - William says while pecking Nina's cheek.

\- I love how your accent becomes stronger when we're in the UK. - Nina holds him still, not letting him leave yet. She stares at his face, wandering. - I love you. Don't be long. - she says whispering, almost desperate, pleading. William just smiles, confused by how clingy she is all evening, they were never like this, like those couples.

\- I had too much champagne don't worry, it's only number one, I'll be quick. - he tries to joke, and chuckles, but she doesn't seem to find that funny, only kisses his lips before letting him go. William shakes it off and goes towards the men's toilets where Lennon's text said he will wait for him. Leaving Nina behind. Watching him with glassy eyes.

When William enters the toilets he spots Lennon in the far end, washing his hands in one of the last sinks. He can see two more men in there but luckily he doesn't recognize them. And unless they are into Broadway theater or the family tree of baron Hamilton-Smith, he's sure they won't recognize him either .

\- It's about time. - Lennon's face frowns when William approaches him, still looking at his own hands under the water.

\- What? I couldn't just leave at the same time as you. It would've been obvious. - William says quietly, turning around to make sure that nobody's listening.

\- I doubt anyone could've noticed anything happening between us. She was holding your hand all fucking night, just to make sure everyone knows how in love you are.

Lennon raises his voice, and turns off the faucet. He looks at William's reflection in the mirror. William stares at his boyish features, gorgeous with his cheeks flushed and his big blue-green eyes flashing murderous intent. In spite of the fact that he is clearly not here for a quick make out session, William's gut tightens in anticipation of the sparks that are imminent.

\- You don't get to do this, Lennon. You were all touchy feely with that prick Sinclair right in front of my nose! - William cocks an eyebrow and crosses his arms over his chest. Lennon's eyes narrow and his cheeks flush even more, then he stands in front of him, at that moment two men leave the toilet.

\- What? You didn't like that, did you? - Lennon questions.

\- You two obviously have a history, it's so bloody evident. He was all over you and you played along, Lennon!

\- He's just a friend. There's no history there. I told you, I haven't been with anyone since I met you. Oh. - a bitter little sneer twists up his mouth. -Were you maybe jealous,William? Do you actually care enough to be jealous? Hah? Do you?! Do you care, William? - he stomps a foot, then looks even more furious when he realizes he'd done it.

\- Be quiet Lennon, for fucks sake. Someone can come in.

\- I don't fucking care. - Lennon fists clench.

\- I care. - William says quietly, looking at Lennon's face up close.

\- I know, you are so worried that you'll get caught cheating on your girlfriend but let me tell y...

\- I care... shut up Lennon, damn it! I care about you! I do care. - Lennon frowns in confusion. All William can think about is how stunning Lennon is in his anger. He closes his eyes and tries to focus. Lennon starts to talk again.

\- Fuck William, this is.. -

But then William cups his face and silences him with his lips. The kiss is gentle, comforting at first, but William presses into it, opening his mouth in invitation. Lennon surrenders with a moan, thrusting his tongue inside to tangle with William's. The kiss escalates quickly, becoming a desperate, carnal coupling that had them both panting. They break a kiss as soon as they hear the door being opened, and William pushes Lennon into one of the toilet stalls at the speed of light, closing the doors behind him.

William stares down at the face that he knows more intimately than his own now. Of their own volition, his hands lift to cup each side of Lennon's face and his breath hitches audibly, coming in short, hot bursts that are sexy as hell. His eyes drop to William's lips. William watches Lennon's lips part, so soft and inviting, and he can't contain a groan.

The next thing he knows, their mouths are fused again. His lips against Lennon's, not gently, not asking. Taking.

He nudges Lennon's mouth open with pressure from his own, plunging in with a demanding sweep of his tongue. He thrust his tongue back in for more, all thoughts of caution - of self-preservation gone. He has to have more. He has to taste this mouth. Has to devour it and possess it and -

William backs off abruptly, gasping for air. He closes his eyes and curses. Lennon blinks rapidly, his lips parted and flushed and tempting.

\- God, Lennon. - William's voice is so deep and hoarse. - I'll never get enough of you.

Lennon blushes. William traces his lip lightly with the tip of his finger. It pouts slightly, William gazes so intently at each divot of that lip, as if it could tell him everything he doesn't know. And he doesn't want to look up. Because if he looks up, he may find himself at the mercy of questioning eyes, pleading, begging to know what he is doing, and William is not at liberty to say because he simply does not know. _Do I love him?_ He cannot form an answer with his lips because he is so focused on Lennon's.

They are still locked inside a damn toilet stall, and William wonders why an important moment like this has to happen in a toilet. At least it's clean, he thinks.

\- I hate that I'm such a drama queen. Sorry I snapped. I .. hate seeing you with her. Fuck, I hate admitting that to you too. - Lennon whispers because there are people outside talking - luckily this stall is very private, with no gaps under the stalls revealing people's feet.

\- Lennon.. -

\- Let me show you how sorry I am. Please. Let me. Yeah?

He reaches for William's cock, that is already hard and pressing into Lennon's hip. William blinks and is struck by the desperation in Lennon's voice. Then Lennon settles himself on his knees in front of William. He unzips his trousers, grabbing it with both hands and holding on tight while he sucks the fat head into his mouth and groans loudly. Latched on tight, the pop when he pulls off is loud and wet.

\- Ohmygod, fuuuck... - William can't believe what is happening, when only five minutes earlier they were having an argument.

\- Love how you taste, love making you come. - he breathes, licking and mouthing the precome from William's crown before sucking him down again.

\- I can't believe you're doing this now. You're... Fuck. Lennon, baby... You're crazy. - he says when he looks down and sees Lennon looking spaced out on his cock, possibility of someone hearing them there heightening the arousal.

\- Mhm...- Lennon breathes out, looking up at William. - Crazy about you. -

\- I'm crazy about you too. So gone. Ah ... -

William chokes out, throat closing on the depth of emotion that comes rushing through him. He slams harder once, twice into the back of his throat, burying Lennon's nose into the light hair above his cock. God, he needs more. Or he needs to stop. He isn't sure anymore.

\- This is too good.You are too good... to let go. I .. fuck!

Lennon is relentless - sucking and licking and suddenly he reaches behind his balls, starting to circle gently around his hole. William is mindless, quivering mass of raw nerves when Lennon pushes a wet finger into him, sliding along his walls, not much, just enough to push him over the edge.

He screams into his sleeve to silence himself and freezes for a split second before coming wildly in Lennon's mouth, while jet after jet of semen shoots from his cock. Lennon groans roughly, taking it all in.

William weak on his legs, drops to his knees on the floor, sags weakly in Lennon's hold, panting as tremors continue to wrack his body after Lennon carefully slides his finger from William's clenching hole. He rocks them, lovingly petting William's back and nuzzling into his neck. William kisses the top of Lennon's head and brushes his cheek over the soft curls of hair, breathing in the scent of him.

\- That was amazing. You are amazing - William whispers, fruity smell of his hair making him more dizzy. Nothing matters. The fucking toilet. The time they are gone.

\- I hope you didn't mind - my wandering fingers. - Lennon smiles in William's neck, still not moving from their embrace.

\- No, of course I didn't mind. I loved it. Fuck. It felt.. I don't know, I would try anything with you. I wouldn't mind if you wanted to top. At all.

William confesses and Lennon laughs, slowly pulling away from the hug, taking toilet paper to wipe the remaining cum from William's crotch.

\- You know I love when you take control. It feels almost liberating. But we can try that too. - Lennon talks while focusing on cleaning up. - We will try it? - he then asks shyly, carefully dragging every word.

\- We will.

\- But you're going to New York? And..

\- I will talk to Nina. I have to. As soon as I get to New York...

\- Well obviously, you can't do it now, can you? It would be kind of awkward if you sit next to each other on the plane tomorrow. -

William smiles at his words, he cups Lennon's cheek and pulls him closer, making him drop tissues on the floor, his lips lingering over Lennon's, not kissing just breathing each other in. Strawberries and fancy champagne.

\- Yeah, I already feel like a dick for cheating on her, the least I can do is break up with her normally, without drama. Yeah?

\- Of course. I agree. Yeah... - Lennon's eyes are twinkling, he nudges his nose against his, and William feels all giddy inside.

\- And then I can come back to see you again, once I have my days off. Or you can come visit. Whenever. -

William is smiling. This feeling is so strange; it stretches throughout his whole body. It's overwhelming, yet makes him feel complete. It feels right. All the things he's saying - it feels right.

\- Well...My schedule is full next two weeks, in studio recording, and a couple of radio interviews. But...

\- Then I'm coming back to London to see you. And in the meantime I expect lots of those dick pics you like to tease me with. - Lennon snorts, his fingertips playing with the short hair of the back of William's neck.

\- Okay. So.. this is only goodbye for now?

\- A very, very nice goodbye for now.- they both laugh. - Hey, what about you? - William asks, pressing his palm against Lennon's crotch.

\- I ... well, I came already. Just having your big dick in my mouth does it. - Lennon admits, shaking his head in embarrassment, and standing up to try to clean himself. William laughs again, zips his trousers and before leaving the stall he pecks Lennon's lips, soft, barely there, a feather like touch, because even though he is leaving tomorrow he gets to kiss him soon again. He will kiss him again. He will make him his.

\- I'll go wash my face while you clean yourself up. See you outside.

Lennon and William seem to be in their own world when they leave the men's toilet. Did they think they are still in the safety of William's lush hotel room where nobody could see them? Probably. Because smile on his face is dumb and obviously result of misbehaving and Nina is standing in front of him, right outside the toilet door.

Then her look turns to Lennon, his hair is as wild as the jungle, untamable and unruly, his lips sinfully red with a boyish grin.

William certainly knows how Lennon looks after sex, that is one more thing he loved about him. He would always look destroyed, flushed cheeks and swollen lips. The fact that he is the one who would make him that way, turned William on even more.

She knows what's in front of her. White knuckles from clenching her fist too hard, and gritted teeth from effort to remain silent. Her face is red with suppressed rage. William has never seen Nina look that way.

His facial expression sinks faster than the speed of sound, his skin becomes icy and pale as white itself.

Is he even breathing? It is over, and even though he was planning to tell her everything and confess his feelings for Lennon, this is not the way he wanted it to happen. Nina doesn't deserve this. The humiliation.

\- Nina.

He tries to tell her that he is sorry, but nothing else comes out. A single tear slides down from her warm, chocolate-coloured eyes, followed by another one, and another one, until soon, a steady stream of salty tears flows it's way down her cheek, releasing the sadness. Realising the truth.

She runs for the door, her pointy-toed stilettos click-clack on the shiny floor and William looks desperately at Lennon, like he is asking him what he should do. Lennon looks as confused as William and before he can say anything, William turns around and goes in Nina's direction.


	20. Lover, please stay

Lennon POV

\- Mate, are you ok? You look like you've seen a ghost?

Sam shakes Lennon just after he comes to the bar. Air is getting thinner in this place, it is hard to catch a breath, he wants to get out in the fresh air but then realises he can't because William and Nina are there somewhere. So he decides to go to the bar.

\- I think he snorted something dodgy in the bathroom. - Nate says almost casually - What did we tell you about doing lines with strangers Len, you can't trust they will have good stuff, remember the gig in..

\- Shut up Nate, I didn't take anything. - Lennon growls. - But I sure want to now.

\- What happened? - Jorja comes close, pushing Nate away and grabbing Lennon's arm.

\- He went after her. I need a drink. -

He says with a shaky voice, not looking at any of his friends. Bartender is pouring him straight gin and he can't wait for the hard liquor to soothe his dry throat.

William told him they will try, whatever that means.

That he cared about him. Whatever that means. Not that he needed words, because William's body told him so much more than words have. But then Nina saw them in front of the restrooms and at first he didn't even register her. He was so happy, his brain became cotton candy and everything sweet in the world. He fell to his knees to try to make William stay, it was desperate, he could've never believed that he would ever go that low, that he would beg on his knees for love. Literally.

But he begged, and he sucked him dry, and William said they will try. Since that moment, Nina wasn't in the picture from Lennon's perspective. So seeing shock on her face, her eyes rigid, narrowed, cold, hard he didn't care. At that moment Lennon knew that he was the enemy. But it doesn't matter, in this war called love, everything is fair.

He doesn't want to surrender, this feeling is too important to let go, and he will fight for it.

Lennon most definitely didn't plan on Nina to see them in action, his only goal was to get William away from her for just a moment, because she just wouldn't let go of him the whole evening and it was driving Lennon insane. It just escalated from there. His only thought was that he just won the battle. He gets to be with William. But when Nina ran away and William ran after her, Lennon's confused mind realised one thing - he might have won a battle, but not the war.

\- Hon, you need to slow down on the booze. - Jorja is concerned. - Come, let's go home and we'll talk about it, whatever it is I'm sure we'll figure it out.

\- I have to talk to him, not you Jo. But he didn't come back inside. - Lennon downs another drink, letting the liquor burn his throat and stares desperately at the entrance. It's been half an hour, maybe more, he can't take the uncertainty. So he takes his phone out of the pocket and starts typing a message. He doesn't know what he wants to write and when he does it's dumb, his drunk mind is blurring his vision, typing words is a task he can't complete. Next thing, he's calling William's number, walking away from the bar into the more quiet area so he can hear better. _Pickuppickuppickup_ his brain is impatient.

\- Hello? - Lennon hears a voice on the other side but it's not the one he wants to hear, his heartbeat quickens. He opens his mouth but words don't come out. He looks again at the screen but it still says William.

\- What do you want, Lennon? - Nina's voice is not how he remembers it. - Don't call him ever again, do you hear me! - she's raising her voice and Lennon can feel her pain for the first time.

\- N.. Nina .. I'm sorry I.. please, can I just talk to William? I need to... - he's smaller than a mouse, his voice is shaking and he doesn't know what is happening - why does Nina have William's phone? Are they still together? Why would he give her his phone? Where is William?

\- No! - she shouts. - You don't need anything but to stop playing your little seductive games with my boyfriend! Do you hear me, Lennon? Stop disturbing us!

Us? She said us. Lennon is about to pass out, he is leaning against the wall, somewhere in this busy but less noisy corridor. There's people approaching him to say hi, he thinks he sees Dua Lipa passing by and shouting _Afterparty at Chiltern Firehouse, Lennon_ but all he is doing is trying to process Nina's angry words on the phone.

\- This is not what I wanted Nina, please understand. I just want to talk to Will, it's really important. I won't disturb you anymore, promise, we... We are.. - he wants to say in love.

\- We? There's no we. Lennon, don't you understand? William will never leave me. Not for someone like you, come on, he was only confused, he made a mistake, you can't possibly think you two had something? - there's a flicker of amusement or mocking in the way she's talking to him now. Who is this woman, that can't be Nina. Lennon is becoming more and more frustrated, he lets himself slide all the way down the wall, putting his elbows on his bent knees and lowering his head.

\- Give me. William. On the phone. Fuck! - he loses his temper finally. He doesn't care who sees.

\- He doesn't want to talk to you, Lennon. Stop calling. - she hangs up.

Out in the venue the party is raging. All his friends are having a good time, he can see them smile and joke and drink. He can barely hear anything as he runs his fingers through the hair repeatedly. Shit! He can feel the rush coming over him, pounding in his ears and the tight pressure on his chest getting stronger.

With long strides he heads towards the exit, he has to go away from this place. In the loud mess that his thoughts are, William's face is a steady constant, the only thing that is certain and absolute, even though nothing seems alright, he can hear that voice saying that he cares about him and that wasn't a goodbye.

Lennon is outside now and he is successfully avoiding anyone else who wants to talk to him. He finds himself on the street looking for a taxi but ironically there's none, the rain is picking up and he laughs at himself at the situation. Can something good happen? Someone puts a hand on his shoulder.

\- Hey. Need a ride? - Lennon almost jumps at the contact and there's only one face that he hopes he will see.

\- Matty.. It's you.. You scared me.

He can't be more disappointed to see Matty. They are friends, not close friends but party friends and they might have fucked a few times in the past when both were bored or high but he could not stand his face the whole evening.

Matty was very persistent the whole night, there was no doubt he wanted to hook up. Even though Lennon bluntly let him know that he is not interested, William noticed how close Matty was and Lennon really didn't want it to become a problem with William. But he couldn't do much more without giving their relationship away; he couldn't just go and talk to William when Nina was attached to his hip the whole time. Only thing he could do is stay close, keep his eyes focused on William the whole time, barely listening to what Matty was saying. He even lied a little and said he never had anything with Matty, he couldn't risk William thinking that Lennon is sleeping with everyone. Even if he did before he most definitely doesn't want now. And the truth is, he can't even remember his few times with Matty. He can't even understand why he thought any of his past lovers were fun because after William, he never wants to fuck any of them ever again.

\- I'm sorry I scared you, darling. Come on, my car's right here. Shall we go to the after party? Or to yours? - he hugs him and comes closer to his face, now wet from rain. Lennon doesn't like it.

\- I'm gonna go home. Not feeling like partying tonight.

\- That's a first coming from you, babe. - he laughs. - But that's okay. I love our own private parties. Come.

\- It's fine. I will get a taxi.

\- Taxi? In this weather, on Saturday night? Good luck with that. - Matty laughs again and grabs Lennon by his arm pulling him toward his car. Lennon follows like there's no willpower in him to do anything else. - You seem upset, Lennon, I saw you running out. Everything ok? - Matty questions and Lennon just stares at the wet concrete, not really listening to Matty, Nina's words playing over and over again in his head, tears on his face mixing with the rain.

\- Not ok. Just want to go home.

\- Come on, let's get you in the car. - Matty opens the door for him and soon after they leave.

The drive is almost silent, Matty obviously realising that something is wrong and doesn't want to intrude, and Lennon is grateful. He is staring at his phone in his lap, hoping it will ring and that it will be William. The car suddenly stops and when Lennon looks outside the window he realizes they are in front of his building, this colourful and lively neighbourhood still beaming with people despite the rain and late night hours.

\- Hey. We're here. Lennon? - he turns and looks at Matty and his handsome cheerful face that he was always attracted to.

\- Matty... thank you.

\- Lennon, listen, I don't want to ask questions, you're obviously going through something. But just want you to know, I'm here for you, I can... help? - Matty is touching Lennon's cheek with his cold knuckles.

\- Matty...

\- I can come up. We'll smoke if you want. I have some really good shit. - Lennon drops his head, his hair falling over his tired face. - Relax. I can make you feel better. You know I can, babe. - Matty is coming closer, he starts slowly sliding his hand down Lennon's thigh purposely and Lennon is turning his head away from him. There's only one person that can make him feel better.

\- No Matty. I am sorry. I... I gotta go.

\- Ok ok, we don't have to do anything, we can just talk, I can just stay with you until you fall asleep, make you a cup of tea.

\- Thank you. Truly. But I want to be alone.

  
Lennon pulls him into a hug and kisses his cheek, Matty opens his mouth to say something else but Lennon opens the door and closes it saying goodnight. The two-floor house before him stands in a row of similar-sized houses. He goes in, climbs the second floor, clenching his hands in tight fists as he walks into the living room to pour himself a drink. Filling the crystal highball half full, he brings it to his lips. His hand trembles and the liquid sloshes over the edge of the glass, leaving a wet trail on his Armani dress shirt, but he doesn't care about the shirt or the stain. It would take amnesia or senility for him to forget this night.

Nothing could have prepared him for the actual experience of spending hours in William's arms cocooned in the darkness. He didn't know their breathing could sync like that. This evening's pain proved there is a name for what he felt - love. Terrifying, heart-consuming love.

It snuck up on him, then whacked him in the head like a hammer. William had been making a home inside him since the day he walked into that backstage.

He sits on the kitchen stool, he'd sat on so many times when he was writing songs, staring at the empty beer bottles that his friends and he left earlier. In the corner of the living room is the old piano from Lennon's childhood, the only thing he has left from his father.

Lennon is a brilliant player but that instrument clearly wasn't getting any attention these months - the closed fallboard is stacked with newspapers, mail, and books. Crumpled laundry hides the bench entirely. He loves the piano, but couldn't connect with it lately like he did with guitar.

Lennon walks from the kitchen to the piano, quickly clears all the rubbish and with strange determination gets his guitar, journal and pen. He sits down and lifts the fall. And then the row of pure ivory keys march into view. The sound they create - the music they sing, stirs wonders in Lennon's soul.

The lyrics swim through his brain like a wakeful dream, the notes relaxing him, enabling all the emotion to come out. He feels powerful, optimistic.

He knows he only has one day before William goes back to New York on Monday. Lennon doesn't even notice when the daylight starts coming through his window, his coat lost on the floor, sleeves rolled up, hair in a bun and papers filled with lyrics everywhere. When he finishes he takes a digital voice recorder the band uses when they are writing at home and sets it on the piano. He starts playing. His voice is smooth and clear and quiet yet powerful.

It is the promise of tomorrow. It is his love letter to William.

*

He must have fallen asleep because the next thing he remembers is Jorja covering him with a blanket. His eyes are wide and scared in realisation that he fell asleep and that he must be late.

\- Jorja. What time is it?

\- It's 11 in the morning. Are you ok? What's all this? - Jorja sits next to him on the sofa where she found him, and looks around the living room.

\- I...I was writing music. I shouldn't have slept. Shit. I have to go. - he stands up, still looking confused from his sleep.

\- Wait, Len. - Jorja grabs his hand and pulls him back. She is still dressed in her outfit from last night, clearly just returning now from the after party. - Where are you going?

\- I have to find William, I have to ... give him something. Before he goes to New York.

\- So last night? You guys didn't manage to talk? I saw you running out.

\- I couldn't find him. Nina found out about us. And she told me not to go near him ever again.

\- Oh my god, Len. Are you sure it's a good idea to go looking for him now? - Jorja questions.

\- I have to, Jo. I'm fucking out of my mind since he told me he would leave her. They're fighting now, it's normal that she's upset and he is probably trying to be nice and explain everything, that's why he still didn't call me.

\- Right... But Lennon...- she tries to talk but he's not listening.

\- I will just go and give him this, this is a song I wrote, I know, I know, it's me we're talking about but yeah, I wrote a song for him, and I'm not ashamed, I just care so much about him that I will do anything to make him see that. After he listens to this, I will know if he really wants to be with me.

\- That's ... lovely, honey. I'm glad that you get to write again, that you feel so inspired. I'm so happy for that, and I am happy that you finally fell in love. - Lennon flinches as soon as he hears those words. - You're so different, like you don't see anybody else in the world but him. It's just one thing I'm scared of. You might get hurt, Lennon. Are you ready for rejection?

\- I... I think he cares about me, Jo. I feel it when we're together.

\- Ok. You know best. - she hugs him firmly and he feels grateful for her support. - Just one more thing.

\- What?

\- If you're going to serenade your first love before he goes away across the ocean you might want to take a shower and change.

\- Same goes for you. - he gives her a once over and walks towards the bathroom. - God knows in what toilets you have been doing the nasty until 11 in the morning.

\- Fuck you. - she gives him a middle finger and he only smiles and blows her a kiss.

\- Love you. I'll shower first though.

Soon after, Lennon is in Jorja's car, driving in the direction of William's hotel. Sunday is as grey and wet as the previous day and it doesn't look like the clouds would go away anytime soon. When he reaches the hotel his mind is filled with memories of nights he spent there. How could've he fallen for somebody, so fast, so deep?

Lennon couldn't have imagined the connection of looking into someone's eyes while he came. The pleasant ache in muscles he'd never used in this manner before - not that he wanted to be sore, but from the knowledge of how he got that way. Their shared grins when their limbs were too noodley to go another round again.

He goes straight to the lift but changes his mind, thinking that he might run into Nina if he goes straight to William's door. So Lennon goes to the reception desk, white envelope in his hand.

\- Good morning. How can I help you, sir? - a man in black suit asks him with a smile. He looks familiar, but that's no surprise considering that Lennon visited this place a few times in the last couple of weeks.

\- Hello. I'm here to see Mister William Hamilton-Smith. His room number is 507. Can you please call him and tell him I will be waiting in the lobby? Or I can go up, whatever is more convenient for him. - Lennon's voice is shaky but determined.

\- I'm sorry sir, but you just missed mister William.

\- W... what do you mean? - he brushes his long hair away from his confused face.- Oh...Well, I... will wait.

\- No, I'm sorry, what I meant is that Mister Hamilton-Smith checked out from his suite. He's not coming back.

\- Are you sure? Because his flight is only leaving tomorrow so why did he check out already?- Lennon isn't even listening to what the person is saying to him. He can't believe William is not here. Where can he be? Did he take an earlier flight? He could be staying with his family. Yes! Lennon remembers when William was staying with his sister Charlotte before he picked him up from Fabric that night.

\- I'm so sorry, I really need to see William and, I... I know he stays in this hotel every time he comes to London. So you must know him well? Am I right? - Lennon looks straight into receptionist eyes like he's trying to force him to do what he says.

\- Well. With him being the owner of this hotel chain yes, I could say I know Mister Hamilton- Smith. He does spend an awful lot of time here.

\- Owner, right. - Lennon remembers that conversation.

\- Well his father is, but Mister William will certainly take his father spot when he retires.

\- Ofcourse. My question ... Charlie? - he reads the name tag from the mens blazer and smiles. - Charlie, my question is, well, funny thing - I'm sure he's staying with his sister Charlotte, and I know she lives in Chalk Farm but I can't remember the exact address. - Lennon smiles his biggest grin, it is so fake but he couldn't care less. Charlie raises his eyebrow, not impressed.

\- I'm not sure I am supposed to do that.

\- But you saw me here, Charlie, I'm sure you remember me. - Charlie just looks at him blankly. - Mister William and I are close friends and I've been visiting quite often during his stay. I assure you I'm not some crazy stalker, even though that's exactly what a crazy stalker would say - and he laughs uncomfortably. - Anyway. The only thing I want is to deliver this envelope to him.

\- I ...don't know.

\- Please. Charlie. It's really important. - Charlie looks around, like he doesn't want to be here.

\- Fine. - he sighs in surrender. - I hope I don't regret this.- Charlie types something on his computer and after a few seconds he writes an address on a piece of paper and hands it to Lennon. - Here you are.

\- Thank you, thank you, you are the best! I'll make sure that you get some concert tickets, Charlie, as soon as we start touring again. - Lennon reaches over the desk and grabs the man by his collar, kissing his cheek with a big smile. He leaves running out leaving confused man wondering what concert tickets is he talking about.


	21. Love will tear us apart

William runs for the door. He can't breathe. His mind is whirling and frantic. This is happening. He doesn't even see her, he just assumes she went outside. The music is suddenly too loud, people obnoxious . He fights his way through the crowds, then the exit door and runs towards Nina when he spots her going towards their car.

\- Nina, stop!

He shouts, catching up with her. He stops at the side of the car and stands still for a second. He can't see her face or what she is doing until she slams both fists into the roof of a car.

\- Tell me you're not fucking him. - William can't react immediately, surprised by the unexpected question, Nina rarely using such vocabulary. And she is never violent. But then again, had she ever been cheated on?

\- Nina, please calm down. I... - William whispers, still trying to catch his breath from running after her.

\- No. I can't calm down. Please, just tell me. - she begs. Uncontrollable pain and hurt storms through William, realising how much pain his actions caused.

\- Nina, you don't deserve this. I never wanted you to find out like this...

\- You mean, you wanted me to find out during some nice candle lit dinner? - she interrupts him as small rain drops start falling on their hot faces.

\- I am not sure what was happening myself, you have to believe me, I... was confused, but it just happened. And I know it was wrong, so so wrong, and words can't express how sorry I am for doing this to you but... Nina... things ...aren't like they were before...I'm sure you noticed too.

\- Oh yeah. I definitely noticed how you didn't touch me in weeks.

\- No, that's not what I mean!

\- Ok ok. Stop talking! I... need to calm down, this is... - she takes a deep breath and starts pacing in front of the car. - We will fix this. I have to think ...

\- Nina...

\- I get it William. I do, it was just sex, you were bored, and both of us - we are busy people, we've been together for a long time and it's normal. Besides Lennon Lewis is... persuasive. And you've been confused, couples go through phases like this and we will too. I will forgive you. I will do it for us... - Nina is rambling, her mind going everywhere.

\- No, Nina! We can't fix this. I cheated on you, it was wrong. You don't deserve this. You deserve someone better than I am. I think... it's not just sex... with Lennon. - she laughs lightly as she brushes a stray hair out of her face. A frown clouds her features as she fiddles with her fingers aimlessly. William furrows his eyebrows in confusion as he watches her stare at the cement floor.

\- Get in the car Nina. - William orders. - Please. Just get in the car.

He opens the door for her and she gets in, not looking at William. After he sits down on the driver's seat, he thinks of Lennon and how things will change after tonight. This moment right now is hard and he really doesn't want to be here breaking up with her like this, but he has too. He has to have this talk with Nina, even if they're here all night, he has to get it over with. And then tomorrow he will be free. Free to be with Lennon.

\- I know you like men too, William. - she starts talking - I never had an issue with that, and it's ok if you miss... you know, if you want to have sex with men sometimes. I can understand that, so... I get it, it is something we can talk about - she utters in a small voice as she lifts her gaze to meet William's. She wears a look of sympathy as she stares at him. Masking his emotions, William has a poker face as he turns away from her and stares ahead at the gleaming lights.

\- You don't get it. - he responds gruffly as he runs a hand down his face. Nina lets out a deep breath from beside him as she shifts closer to him.

\- Fine, if you don't want to open up to me, at least can we talk about going to couples therapy? - she questions , frustration leaking through her words. William keeps his gaze fixed ahead as he mutters a reply.

\- What I'm saying is, it's not just sex, I care about him.

\- You actually want to break up with me? - she lets out a bitter laugh as she hears his response.

\- Yes. I think... it's for the best, I'm sorry.

\- All I want is for things to be normal again. Things to be perfect again. - She exclaims as she places her cold palm over his. Turning to face her, William looks into her hopeful brown eyes. As he sits there staring, he is engulfed with memories of his life before Lennon.

Her eyes summon the demons that haunt him, the same demons that will never allow him to feel happiness, to feel free. Sliding his hand out of hers, William stares into her eyes before turning away again.

\- You're foolish to believe that things can be normal again after experiencing this. Things will never be the same, Nina. - his voice is low as he answers and her dark brown eyes are welling with tears as she stares at him angrily.

\- Why?! I am your girlfriend, I can help you through it, through this phase ...I'm ready to forgive you for _cheating_ on me! - she cries as she grabs his hand and squeezes it again. Looking towards her, he stares at her tear stricken face and sighs in frustration. _A phase._ That's something his father used to say for his relationship with a man.

\- Things can't be normal again because... I have feelings for him, feelings that I don't have for you anymore, Nina.- William says as calmly as he can before lifting his phone from his lap looking at the screen, expecting a call or a message.

\- So this is it? After almost two years...- she laughs mockingly as she angrily wipes her smeared mascara off her cheeks. The rain is falling harder now.

\- Well, William, I can't let you do that. You need to know the truth, I really didn't want to tell you but I think it's necessary. You're clearly in denial, thinking you two have _something more._

 _-_ Nina... What are you talking about? - William is starting to run out of patience.

\- Lennon Lewis is an easy, promiscuous liar. He is a man whore, he slept with half of London. And I'm sure you know that. - she pauses then turns towards him - I saw him that day, you know the day after Charlotte's engagement party? - she looks at him with angry eyes and William feels chills down his spine. How could've she seen them, they were in the room all the time. He stays silent, shock in his eyes while Nina continues talking.

\- Yes, that day, I went to your hotel, to get you so we could go to lunch but just before entering the hotel I saw Lennon leaving. He had this smug smile on his face, but he didn't see me. I was surprised to say at least, what could've he been doing in the same hotel, I asked myself. I thought you might have stayed in touch after the concert in New York, but for him to be leaving your hotel, in the morning, and him being openly interested in you that night in the pub... I put two and two together. Of course after seeing you naked when you opened the door, it just confirmed my suspicion.

\- Nina, w... You knew all this time? Why didn't you tell me? Confront me then?

\- Well I was upset. I was more than upset, because I actually liked Lennon. After I realised what was going on I didn't know what to do. Yes I wanted to confront you, to scream and shout at you. But, I didn't want to believe that you would hurt me like that William, that was just so not you! You would never cheat. We were so happy together. So I realised that maybe something else was going on there and started digging on Lennon Lewis. And I found out what a disgusting slut he really is.

\- Nina, please don't talk about him like that. Just... stop ok?

\- No, I won't stop until you realise that he's been messing with your head. He doesn't like you, he only sleeps around, and if he had told you that he wants to have something more with you, he is lying William - he only wants your money!

\- That's bullshit, he didn't even know about my family until a few days ago. - his heart races. - Besides why would he want my money? This story is ridiculous Nina.

\- Oh please, you're so naive. He is lying to you. He wants to get close to you so he can get to your uncle and your money to promote his music. They're not doing that good, his label is not promoting the band and he's poor as a church mouse. Matty told me everything.

\- What? Matty who? Matty Sinclair? What does he have to do with... - then William remembers, Matty's hand on Lennon's thigh. Entire fucking night. And looks and laughs and winks. He's blood is boiling at the realisation that something is actually happening between them. But no. Lennon said that he didn't sleep with anyone after he met him, that Matty is only a friend.

\- Matty knows Lennon very well. I mean, _very_ well. They're friends with benefits, Matty told me, just the other day he said they were...

\- Nina, stop...

William can't listen to her anymore, he doesn't want to believe the words that are coming out of her mouth. Suddenly the phone in his lap starts ringing and he sees Lennon's name flashing from the screen. William is staring at it, not having enough courage to answer. He wants to hear his voice, to ask him to deny everything Nina said.   
Actually he doesn't care about all that, yes, he is jealous of Matty Sinclair but Lennon and William weren't exclusive, Lennon didn't have to stop seeing other people. But why lie? Was he lying about other things too? They even fucked without a condom and he never trusted anyone more than Lennon at that moment. Is he going to regret that? Suddenly Nina grabs his phone, and all he does is stare at her and lets her. His mind isn't processing all this information properly.

\- Give me that phone! I can't have him interrupting us at this moment. - Nina is furious, opening the car door while tapping the green button on the screen . - Hello? What do you want Lennon? -  
  
  


It's all William hears before she slams the door and leaves William alone in the car. Agony washes over him as he waits for Nina to return. Every second that goes by is a torture. Should he trust Nina, his girlfriend of two years who has never lied to him before, who is loving and faithful to him or Lennon, a guy who he only met a few weeks ago, doesn't know anything about his past, even Liam, Lennon's best friend, warned him to be careful when it comes to Lennon. Is he acting reckless?

But he needs him. Just thinking about him has his heart racing. His entire body trembles with a need to just be in his arms. Maybe he should listen to his heart and not brain. His thoughts are interrupted by Nina opening the door. When she sits back down William looks at her, his nerves on edge.

\- What did you do? - William whispers.

-I told him not to bother us. You and I need to talk, William, _this_ is important. And I can't have him calling you and telling you any more lies. - her voice is so cold, so detached.

\- Nina, I don't know who to believe. I think I should give him the benefit of the doubt. What did he say?

\- He was angry. He wanted to talk to you. He was rude to me William, he said that he will win in the end, or something like that.

\- What? That doesn't sound like something he would say. - William eyebrows shoot up.

\- Do you actually know him? -Nina asks him.

The water droplets begin growing larger and falling frequently. He can hear the beat of the rain against the window and looking out can see, through the curtain of water, the dimmed lights of the city, and a familiar tall figure, with long hair, wearing black, waving his hand at the taxi. The taxi doesn't stop. Then he sees another familiar face, ginger hair. It is Matty. He and Lennon are talking. They are standing close. No. No. This can't be happening. Matty takes Lennon's hand. Lennon follows him to the car, still holding his hand. Squinting his eyes, William follows their every move, as Nina remains quiet beside him. His heart is shattering, breaking over and over again in his chest. It is hard to breathe. Silence is suddenly broken.

\- Believe me now?

\- Let's go home.


	22. When it breaks

Lennon POV

Lennon brings a car to a stop directly in front a few steps leading to Charlotte's house and leaves the engine idling. This is it, he thinks. He reaches for the white envelope at the passenger seat and tries to summon the courage to get out of the car, but it doesn't come.

It is time to suck it up so he grabs the door handle, pushing it open a few inches. A wave of cold hits him, and it has nothing to do with the chill London breeze outside. Lennon squares his shoulders and climbs small cement steps that lead to the heavy front door. The place is beautiful from the outside. In one of the most favoured addresses in this part of town houses are in rows, red brick and Victorian terraces, perfectly cut hedges and rare sports cars parked on the pavement. Even though they all look pretty much the same from the outside there is no doubt that this neighbourhood is very much on the expensive side. Like everything else that is connected to William he wants to know how this house looks from inside, even though it's his sisters. He would love to get to know her as well.

Finally he rings the doorbell and closes his eyes. Seconds pass and door is suddenly opened, Lennon's heart wants to jump out of his chest, and he wonders how the hell he gets on the stage every night to perform in front of thousands of people and doesn't feel any stage fright but here he is, in front of a random door in Chalk Farm with the envelope that contains an iPod with a song he wrote, scared shitless of what only one person would think about his song. He is met with the most beautiful blue eyes. Now he is going to struggle because those eyes remind him of William's.

\- Hello. Can I help you?

\- Hiya. Yes. I... well this might sound strange but I am looking for William? You must be his sister, Charlotte? Hi. I'm Lennon. I'm William's friend. Is he here? I really have to see him, it's kind of urgent.

\- Oh. Hi ..Lennon? William is not here at the moment.

\- He's not?

\- Well he is staying here but he went to run some errands before his flight to New York. I'm sorry. Not sure when he'll be back. - Charlotte says in the most proper English accent, reminding Lennon of the status of this family once again. Like the size and location of the house isn't enough. Her golden, over bleached hair shines in the daylight, her skin gleams and her cheeks have a healthy glow. She probably pays a lot of money to look like this. Even in her most casual loungewear she can easily replace one of the girls of the most popular girl band or something.

\- But he will be back? Will you see him before he goes away?

\- Yes, I will probably take him to the airport. Why? Is there something wrong? You said it's urgent? - Charlotte looks at him with suspicious eyes. - I'm sorry, but William never mentioned a friend named Lennon, what is this about?

\- Oh no, don't worry I'm not a stalker. - he laughs nervously, he has to stop telling people he's not a stalker, it doesn't work. - We're friends yeah, it's a long story, we met through Liam, he's my best friend.

\- Ah... I see. - mention of Liam seems to make him less of a lunatic in her eyes. - I just wanted to talk to him before his flight and... give him this. - he raises his hand and shows the envelope- But if you are going to see him can I please ask you to give this to him when you do. It's really important for me. - Lennon gives her the envelope.

\- I...of course.

\- Yeah.. thank you. - he smiles. - Thank you Charlotte. It's really nice to meet you. You and William, um.. you look alike, it's fascinating.

\- Yes I suppose we do. Only physically, thank God, wouldn't want to have anything else like him really. - Charlotte jokes and Lennon's heart warms at the sound. He realises that at least their sense of humor is similar. She seems lovely and it makes him miss William even more. - I will make sure he gets this.

\- Thank you.

\- Goodbye Lennon.

*

When she closes the door Lennon's reality slaps him in the face. He will definitely not see William before he goes to New York. But he trusts that after he listens to the song today he will get back to him. There is a small written letter in there as well, that simply says how much Lennon cares about him, that he is ready to give everything up for William.   
What Lennon doesn't know is that when the door is closed there is another person standing really close to Charlotte that heard the whole conversation.

\- Charlotte, give me that letter.

\- It's ok Nina, I will give it to William, his friend seemed really upset, like it's really important that he gets this.

\- No, Charlotte, you don't understand. That man is not William's friend. Don't give him anything from that man.

\- What are you talking about?

\- He's trying to break us up, Charlotte, he's a guy from some band that William met and since then he's been obsessed with him and it's giving him ideas, Charlotte. We're struggling because of him. I need your help. Please.

\- Charlotte... calm down. I didn't know you guys had problems?

\- We will be ok. I'm just trying to take William away from this man. And the nerve! To show up at your door! He's trouble. - and then there's tears. Never ending tears.

\- Ok... don't cry. I, I don't know... maybe yeah... ok I won't give him this then.

\- Please, Charlotte. I would not ask you something like this if it wasn't important. Don't let William see that letter.


	23. Do me a favour

*ONE YEAR LATER*

William POV 

William Hamilton-Smith stares into his tea. The sounds of the pub bleed into the hallway, into his ears, and he taps his foot to the rhythm of music from the radio. Music always gives him the urge to move, as though the sound tickles him. Maybe it does.

Mentally, he ticks off the seconds until Saturday night's competition. Tomorrow night, the bands would have to practice - complete with sound checks, lighting consultations, everything to ensure perfection. Then Saturday. There's the promise of fresh music for his label and his ears.

Hamilton Records boasted some of the hottest new bands in the country, with their unique sounds getting significant airtime on the radio, hitting the top of the Billboard charts, selling out arenas left and right, and headlining festivals. William has been in the company for a month now. After his uncle stepped down as CEO he took over the job. Responsibilities and pressure of being the boss of the company like this doesn't scare him, it is coming back to London after being away for almost four years. And last time he visited was a year ago.

He'd found the bands through competitions like the one this weekend, and from the demos he'd already heard, he anticipated a tough decision. Will the live sound hold up, or are the recordings products of studio magic? He drains his mug then motions to his planner.

\- We have a busy day. Busy weekend. 

He says to Micah, his assistant, who is sitting next to him at the bar with his laptop open, writing emails in William's name.

He likes coming down to this pub on his lunch break. It is just across the street from the big, tall building where the label offices are. On his first day at a new job, when he found this pub he thought it was the worst place he's ever been to. Too old, too dark, to clustered. But somehow he found himself going back in spite of all that. His office with its wall to wall windows feels like a fish bowl, he needs to get away from it at least for an hour, and he appreciated Micah's ability to follow him here, no questions asked, and that he treats him like a normal person. Not like a serious and emotionless owner of a record label that everyone else is seeing. No, these conversations in the pub with Micah provide some sense of normalcy, even though they mostly talk about work. Or actually just work.

\- What do you think of the bands? - Micah says not looking up from his laptop. He is always dressed in bright colourful suits, a perfectly styled quiff slicked back and thick rimmed square reading glasses.

\- Better than I expected. There are some amazing bands coming this weekend. I might have trouble choosing. - William looks at his phone, a message from Nina pops up. - I have two that I am already considering. I've been praying for the sound to hold up live.

\- I think it's time to go back to the office Mr Hamilton-Smith. Best not to be late. You have a meeting with Paul Andrews in 10 minutes. Then a conference call with Susana from LA at half past two. I made a reservation for dinner with your family and fiancée at 5pm. Although your fiancée insisted that you go to _Le Gavroche_ in Mayfair not _Amaranto_ at Four Seasons like you initially wanted. I... didn't know what to do, I just booked both, in case you... well I don't know if you wanted... -

Micah stutters, obviously put in an awkward position, and William just sighs. He knows why Nina doesn't want to go to Four Seasons, William himself isn't sure why he would go back there. He isn't staying there anymore, since he moved back to England with Nina, they were staying at Charlotte's house temporarily until they found their own forever home. Forever. Yes, William still needs to repeat that word just so he gets used to it.

\- It's fine Micah, just stick with Nina's choice. She already messaged me about it.

He is tired, it is only one in the afternoon and he is tired. He takes a deep breath and they leave the pub, at this hour of the day plenty of people are rushing around, talking speedily on their phones, all dressed in similar suits. William is just in front of the building with two glass spinning doors, and floor to ceiling glass walls when his phone starts ringing. A smile shows up when he sees his friend's name on the screen.

\- Liam. Finally, man, what took you so long? - hushed speaking is heard in the background as soon as he enters the lobby, but he is now used to it. Everyone is still talking about the new CEO, being only 27 but a millionaire, his previous career in Broadway theater not in business, him being in every gossip magazine in the past few months. Him showing his tattooed skin under rolled up sleeves of his branded shirts. After he left Broadway he felt more rebellious, wanted to paint his skin with images of things that meant to him, and got quite addicted.

\- Yeah, listen, I gotta go know, I'm in a meeting but please, please let's meet later today -

William tells his friend that just came from New York to visit his family and William desperately needs an escape from work and this new life that he really doesn't mind. He just really misses some simplicity that New York offered him, that's all, he's sure Liam can give him that. He enters a large meeting room on the top floor, puts the phone down and grabs a file from Micah. This is what he was meant to be doing, everything else was just an illusion. 

*

\- I adore these photographs Nina, you look stunning! - Charlotte says while flicking through the phone and sipping her rose wine. - No offence, big brother, you look... alright. - her grin is cheeky.

\- You're hilarious. - William snickers while still chewing on his medium rare steak; he is not annoyed with Charlotte's joking - constant bickering and jokes is rather normal for two siblings. It is the internet portals and magazines all over the country with pictures of William and Nina leaving a fancy restaurant in Paris last month.   
Nina was wearing a stunning diamond ring, and the gossip about their engagement started spreading like wildfire. _Son of Baron Hamilton-Smith, famous British mogul and one of the members of the extended royal family, Gabriel William Hamilton-Smith sparks rumours he's engaged to his girlfriend actress Nina Perry as she's spotted wearing a diamond ring on a romantic holiday in Paris_. He is definitely in the spotlight after moving back to England and taking over Hamilton-Smith's business.

Soon after that, they confirmed it by giving an exclusive interview, which really wasn't William's thing, but he agreed to it eventually. It certainly made Nina happy.

\- We were thinking of doing the exclusive with _Hello!_ first but I just couldn't refuse the offer _OK!_ magazine made. - Nina beams from her seat next to William while Jack, Charlotte's husband, just gives him a sympathetic look from across the table.

\- I understand now why you moved across the ocean, mate. - William nods at this, he became quite fond of Jack and is really happy to see his little sister find somebody who treats her right and is a decent person to be around. - This family of yours is crazy. - They all laugh after Charlotte playfully hits him, their waiter tops up their wine glasses in a luxurious atmosphere of prestigious _Le Gavroche_ and William is content, finally everything seems to click.

\- It all worked out really well. Perfect actually. - Nina looks adoringly at her new ring . - _The Forgotten_ is filming another season in England, I would only need to travel back to New York a couple of times.

\- And when do you reckon the wedding will be? - Jack asks but William ignores the question by stuffing his mouth with more food.

\- I'm guessing next year will be perfect, won't it? - Gabriel, William's father says.

\- Yes, there's so much to plan. - Nina looks at William and he just nods.

\- Oh, I'm giving you the number of our wedding planner. She's brilliant. - Charlotte adds eagerly.

\- Definitely.

\- Yes, we will need time to organise such a massive event, so I'm thinking about spring next year. I'm proud of you, William. I thought you will never come to your senses but here we are, you are all grown up finally. - William's father says after he dabs the corner of his mouth with a napkin. - Except for those hideous tattoos. But hey. I'll take what I can get.

\- Can't believe you actually said the word proud. God, let me mark this day in my calendar and celebrate it like Christmas.- William rolls his eyes.

\- I talked to your uncle Pete yesterday, and he told me how good of a job you're doing at the office. You still have a lot to learn in business but he can see the passion in you, it's positive feedback.

\- Well I love music, and I do try to be involved in the whole process as much as possible. There's a few new bands that I truly believe in and some more I have to listen to live tomorrow. - William tries to ignore the fact that his dad is still putting him down even when saying that he's proud of him, and decides to keep talking about work. He's done fighting, he wants to keep the peace. Surely a couple of glasses of wine help to do that.

\- Pete said he's bringing some big names too soon so make sure to be ready.

\- Really? He didn't say anything to me.

William is still very much new to the company's business so his uncle comes to the office every now and then and helps him get into a routine or deal with whatever jobs are left unfinished after he officially resigned. He imagines it is normal that he still has some important contracts to close that he couldn't trust William with, so he makes a mental note to talk to him about it first thing on Monday morning.

\- It's been a blast you lot, but I gotta go, I'm meeting Liam for a quick drink- he stands up after the waiter clears their table, and few eavesdropping eyes land on them probably realising they must be important guests.

\- Oh, make sure you invite him over sometime, it's been ages since I saw Liam. - Charlotte said.

\- Will do. See you all at home later. Dad. I'll see you... when I see you.- he waves at everyone and then quickly kisses Nina. - See you later, love.

*

When he sees Liam afterwards he's as excited as he can be. They hug, they joke, they laugh, they catch up. Even though Liam is English and this is his home as well it's just strange to see him in London, and not back in New York where their friendship officially started .

-So how have you actually been Will? I'm surprised you answered my call and not your assistant.

\- Oh man. I've been so busy .

\- No shit. You're a fucking CEO, quite a change innit?

\- I like it, yeah, it's a challenge, and I am enjoying it.- he really is. It's just that sometimes he feels it's too much.

\- And Nina? I mean, you could've told me. I found out on the bloody internet.

\- I know, I know, it wasn't supposed to be anything big. But then ...-

He remembers the day. Nina booked them a weekend in Paris just after they moved back. She always wanted to go, and after everything they've been through he thought it would be nice. Just before their trip William's father gave him a ring that belonged to William's mother, saying that it's what she wanted, her engagement ring is what she would want William to give to his future wife. And it just happened. He proposed to her, thinking it's what he was supposed to do.

\- Will?

\- I don't want to talk about it ok? It's happening, it is what it is.

\- Ok but it doesn't seem right. I just thought after everything that happened, you know with Lennon and...- and Lennon. Liam clearly knows about the affair but William is not the one who told him about it. He opens another beer bottle as soon as he hears that name. Name he successfully managed to avoid. Name that he knows will hear more now that he lives in the same city as him.

\- All that is ancient history Liam, there's nothing to talk about.

\- Are you sure, Will? Have you heard Edge of Revolution's last album yet? - Liam is pushing him.

\- Of course not. I fucking hate Lennon Lewis.

William is bitter and only partly honest. He didn't hear Lennon's album that was released a few months after the infamous event. But he heard about it, he didn't have much choice really, it was everywhere on MTV and on the radio. So William would change the station if the song would come up on the radio while he was driving. Yeah, they were hitting the charts in America as well, and that one day when he was going to his theater on Broadway, Lennon and the band were playing the Today show, and the streets near Rockefeller Center were blocked. He couldn't actually hear the band but he heard the screams of the fans and in that moment he thought about how annoying it is that he will be late for work because of Lennon Lewis. There was also one second when he was proud of how far they had made it, he always thought they were too good to stay unnoticed. But that second didn't last much and those thoughts were soon forgotten with deafening sounds of horns on the streets of New York.

\- Well he obviously doesn't hate you, the whole album was written about you. - Liam breaths out and laughs casually.

\- What are you talking about? We all now that can't be true - William laughs at this like he did at one of Liam's stupid jokes.

\- Oh please William. I have known Lennon since he was basically a teenager. That whole album is full of love songs about one person and one person only. He's never ever been in love except, well, with you.

\- That's ... not true. He never had feelings for me Liam.

He takes a cigarette and lights it, walking through the balcony door, leaning on the railing outside. Looking in the distance, he tries to imagine where in this city Lennon could be in this very moment. Are they looking at the same sky?

Did Lennon love him? Of course he didn't. If he did he would've done something. Call him more than that one time. But of course he never called again. He spent the night with Matty Sinclair right after he sucked William's cock in the restroom and told him he cared about him.

Right after William told him he wants to be with him. It was all a fucking game for Lennon, and that little game could've destroyed William's life, his reputation, his relationship. He was so fucking naive and weak.

It's absurd to believe that such a careless, immature, unpredictable character like Lennon Lewis would write and publish an album with songs about William.

\- Ok, you believe what you want to believe Will. - Liam joins him on the balcony of his London flat and takes a cigarette from William's packet.

\- Did he tell you that? That it was about me? - William asks him carefully, actually thinking what it would mean if that was in fact the truth. He immediately regrets asking that because he doesn't want confusion in his life, everything is finally normal.

\- No. He never speaks about you. Which is why I know he cares. Or cared. - William heart beats faster and he shrugs it off deciding he is done talking about this subject. There is no way in hell he will let Lennon be present in his life even as a thought.

\- Whatever Liam. Let's not go there again, there's no point. I'm engaged and yeah... Wait, what did I want to talk to you about? Oh right. I really want to do another tattoo and you said you have a guy here.

\- Oh yeah, it's my mate Dom, we can go together while I'm still here. - 

\- That would be sick. 


	24. Boys don't cry

Stepping out of Saint Laurent store in Mayfair in his tailored, designer casual wear, Lennon sees a couple of dedicated fangirls hovering nearby with expectation on their beaming faces. He greets a few of the girls with an extended hand. Juggling their delicate fingers, autograph books, and Sharpies, he works the crowd with an affable charm.

\- You guys been waiting long?

\- Yeah, no, like not long,- says one, flicking her hair in a deliberately nonchalant manner.

Well versed in these mechanics, he's still surprised to see girls as young as these, eager for _his_ scrawl on a piece of paper. He's well known, constantly recognized and he wishes he could say he misses his anonymity. He doesn't because well, he always liked attention and he always had it. Now it's just on a worldwide scale. Most people know his name and he has more money than he ever had, one may say he's made it.

Jorja follows him holding big shopping bags and joins him in signing autographs, gently smiling at teenage girls that keep shouting their names. To their disappointment two big bodyguards start pulling Lennon and Jorja to the car that's been waiting for them. They enter the car with urgency, still hearing the girls screams and a few paparazzo cameras click. Lennon stares out through the tinted window of his chauffeur driven ride to the restaurant in Soho where the band will meet their managers to discuss their third album.

Rick and James, manager and an assistant manager of the band, are talking business while sipping on sparking water, answering phone calls from time to time. Lennon doesn't talk much and mostly looks out of the window of a fancy restaurant, Jorja is sitting next to him eating caesar salad. After a while Sam and Nate enter the restaurant and join them at the large table, secluded from the rest of the establishment.

\- Nice of you to join us. - Jorja mumbles annoyed while chewing on her cherry tomato.

\- It's not my fault traffic is a fucking nightmare at this time of day. - Sam spits back taking off his sunglasses, staring deadly at her and sitting next to Lennon, while Nate sits across from them immediately trying to catch the waitress's attention in order to get a drink.

\- Ok kids stop bickering, let's get down to business. Now that you are all here.

Rick announces and Lennon rolls his eyes, hating this part of the job. But he keeps quiet knowing these meetings are also part of the job and the less time they spend talking bullshit the faster they will finish and get on with the day. He can see from the corner of his eye that Jorja is playfully sneaking her arm behind Lennon's back reaching for Sam and poking the side of his back and Sam jolts in surprise, trying to keep his face straight. When Lennon looks at him, he can see a smile creeping on his friend's face but covering it with his fist and trying to pay attention to what the manager is saying. Those two are being awfully strange with their fighting but not actually fighting, and Lennon would like to investigate more but he hears something that Rick says and it catches his attention.

\- ... and we will change your record label. What you guys did in the last months with this album was incredible and we want to make it even bigger with the third album. But the contract we have with your label is not allowing you guys more freedom, they have been so hard to work with. You all remember how much we fought for certain songs and they just wouldn't allow it, because apparently it didn't fit your image.

\- That's right Rick, and also the promo was shit. - Nate adds drinking his beer and the rest just nodded.

\- It was worth it in the end, your hard work with that last album and the fan base you have... I mean look at your number one singles and sales are going through the roof, you guys are the new thing that everybody's been talking about. But now it's time for the third album and it has to be bigger. And better.

\- Yeah but you can't just tell us make the third album bigger and better. It doesn't work like that. It's gonna happen or it won't. - Lennon says, not understanding how the record label has anything to do with how good they are.

\- Obviously Lennon. That's not what I'm saying. I believe in you and I know that you can make more amazing music. And _when_ you do, I want a label who will support you and your vision, not the vision of the label. And also we want the best, the label that can provide you with the best producers.

\- Yeah Rick, we agree completely. - Jorja nods. Lennon does like what Rick is saying because more freedom for his music is what he wants as an artist. He trusts Rick and James, they've been good in managing the band since their first record deal.

\- Thanks for doing what's in our best interest mate. - Nate adds. - We're already jamming and writing some new stuff.

\- Amazing. I'm so proud of you guys. So James already scheduled a meeting with Peter Hamilton-Smith, from Hamilton Records on Monday, although we'll meet with his nephew William and his team and there will probably be few producers that will be happy to talk to you about where you want your sound to go, and .... - Lennon's hand grips the edge of the table and his knuckles are white.

\- What the fuck did you just say? - everybody just stares at Lennon.

\- I'm ... I just said you will have a meeting with the new record label on Mon...

\- What record label?

\- Lennon, hon, please, let's... - Joja starts talking quietly and puts her hand over Lennon's wanting to calm him down, but Lennon feels rage all over his body at the mention of that name, of the record label name, so he pushes Jorja's hand away and looks angrily at Rick across from him.

\- It's Hamilton Records.- Rick says confused. - Is there a problem Lennon?

\- Yes. I'm not doing it.

\- What do you mean you're not doing it? We all just agreed that we will change the label, you know it's...

\- I said no. Find another label Rick.

\- Another label?! - Rick laughs.- You think this is a joke? _This_ is a label for you! They are the best in business at the moment, the contract they are offering is everything you guys need.

\- Don't worry Rick, we'll talk to Lennon about it...- Nate says eyeing Lennon. - He's just being a little bit grumpy this morning...or this year. - the last part Nate says to himself almost whispering but Lennon hears him and points a finger at him.

\- Nate, I love you but I swear I won't hesitate to punch you in that pretty little nose of yours, you understand me? I won't publish my songs under that name!

\- Your songs? Last time I checked you were in a band, Lennon, and they are our songs, so before you say anything, think about what consequences will that have for all of us.

\- Lennon, Nate is right. I don't understand what is your problem with this particular label, and you don't have to tell me but there's no other choice. You will do it. I don't care about your personal reasons. That's the best and only option at this moment for the band.

\- You. Don't. Understand...

\- Lennon, let's just try, we will go Monday, talk to them, see what they have to say and we'll go from there. If you guys don't agree with their conditions then we can talk about ...

\- I'm done with this conversation. - he stands up abruptly, the chair screams against the tiled floor as he pushes it away making most of the people in a restaurant turn in curiosity and he makes his way to the door. -

\- For fucks sake Len, come back... - Jorja says.

\- Gotta love a bit of drama. - Sam says amusingly while picking up his fork and taking some of the salad from Jorja's plate.

\- What did I say wrong? - Rick asks, confused.

\- Ah... don't worry about it Rick, you don't want to know the... details. - Jorja says looking at Lennon leaving the restaurant.

\- I'll go talk to him.  
  
  


When he leaves the restaurant he can't even think clearly, he forgets where he is and stands confusedly in the middle of the street trying to figure out how will he manage to find a taxi in this rush hour. He takes his phone and scrolls through contacts, wanting to call their driver however his thumb pauses above the name Tinie.

\- Len! - he can hear his best friend's voice behind him and he shuts his eyes in frustration, and pockets his phone.

\- Leave me alone Nate I'm not in the mood. You can tell Rick I said no.

\- I'm not here because of Rick, you fool,he didn't send me.- Nate talks calmly and pushes Lennon in the small alley behind the restaurant where there's no random people from the street or noisy cars.- Talk to me. Shout at me. Scream. Punch. Just like you and I know.

\- I... I don't know what to say to you Nate.

\- This is work Len. Just try to think about it like that. We need this contract.

\- I know but... I don't want to see him. Rick said his name, he... he'll be there. Why? What the fuck Nate?!

\- Don't you read the news, mate? William took Peter Hamilton-Smith's, his uncle's spot in the label.

\- How the fuck would I know? I don't want to know anything about him, I finally moved on.

\- Did you?

\- Y ... yes. I've ...I've been better. -

He can't remember the last time he cried, which is good, and he goes out to parties more often now. He deleted his number and a selfie of them that he had on his phone from that night he met him in New York, their faces mushed together when Lennon pulled him close to his sweaty drunken body, the biggest grins on their faces.

He even made out with a guy after the concert in that festival in Manchester this month. It was the day when he went to the bookstore next to the hotel before their set and then he walked past the newspaper aisle. There was a gossip magazine with William's and Nina's pretty faces on the front cover. It said they got engaged.

\- I know he got engaged. That's all I know. - he bites his bottom lip staring at the distance.

\- It doesn't matter Lennon, we'll help you, you don't have to talk to him, you just sit there and we will do all the talking, and he might not even be there, you never know, he is probably busy as a new CEO.

\- New CEO. - he shakes his head in disbelief. - How fucking typical. Fuck... that means he's here..

\- He is back in London, yeah. And has his own record label now. - Nate says and grips his shoulders. - But you, my friend, are strong and you can do it. For me, for Jo and Sammy. We need this contract, we all worked our asses off to get here, Len. You know it's the right thing to do. - the dark memory cuts him like a sword.

Nate was right. He can't make scenes like this anymore. How much lower can he possibly get? He was already at his lowest, worshiping him for months, yet William didn't even call him to say anything about the song in which Lennon shamelessly poured his heart out.

\- Yeah I know, you're right. I... would never want to let you down. Not after what you guys did for me after he ... he left.

*

It is Monday morning and he is holding his Starbucks cup filled with black coffee like it's the most precious thing in the world. It's not that he needs it to wake himself up, he hopelessly stayed awake the whole night. He needs something to calm his nerves, he needs distractions, he needs not to be entering this big, shiny building.

Lennon follows his band mates as they push past groups of businessmen and women to get to the lift and counts the black dots on Jorja's silk blouse in front of him. He is growing anxious with every floor they pass. Third floor, fourth, fifth. The last bell and the doors open for the Top floor. Home to the CEO, the Boss Man of the Hamilton Records headquarters. They walk out of the lift and Lennon takes another sip of his coffee not looking around just focusing on the strong taste of his coffee and white clean tiles. He hears voices and doesn't recognize any of them so that's good. Nate takes his hand and squeezes it gently and asks if he's alright and Lennon says _yeah_ but he is not sure if he is.

All he knows is that he wants to get out of this place as soon as possible and go back to his bed, pop a couple of sleeping pills and sleep for two days straight. Yes, that is his plan.

By the waiting area, huge floor to ceiling windows showcase a beautiful view of the London skyline, cloudy as usual but still majestic. A few visitors wait in beige leather chairs while others pace the floor impatiently. One man approaches them with a smile and introduces himself as Mister Hamilton-Smith's assistant and guides them to one of the many rooms on this floor. At the mention of that name Lennon tenses but he might be his uncle's assistant so he tries to ignore it.

They all enter, sit and wait now, on a big leather couch in a spacious room that has a lot of comfy chairs and instruments and framed pictures of rock stars on the walls. Jorja moves across the room and sits in Lennon's lap, her hair smells like hairspray and her tropical shampoo, she's watching him worried - she knows.

\- You are doing amazing. You don't have to worry, he can't hurt you.

\- I just fucking hate him Jo.

\- Ok you don't have to talk to him, just sit here and we will handle the business stuff and then we'll be out of here.

\- Are you and Sam fucking?

\- Excuse me, what?!

\- I need a distraction, talk about something else, are you two doing it?

\- Oh my God, no! Where did you get that!? -

She slaps his shoulder with an overly disgusted face and Lennon laughs at the same time the door opens and the sound of his nightmares fills the room. Voice of William Hamilton-Smith.

\- Now where is this mysterious band? Uncle didn't tell me anything about them.

He turns around to his assistant while entering the room. He isn't even looking, he doesn't even know Lennon is here, he realizes.

And then William looks up and stops. Lennon tapps his feet and looks at him, curling his hands into fists, hoping he wouldn't notice them shake. William then scans the whole room and smiles. Lennon envies his composure. He was always very much in control.

\- Hello everyone. What a surprise this is! - his perfect face. His perfect smile. His perfect voice.

\- How have you been, mate?

Nate approaches him and they hug, and William smiles more and Lennon closes his eyes and remembers the nights he spent drinking alone and ending up passed out on his kitchen floor wearing William's green hoodie - a piece of clothing he still had in his possession.   
They talk some nonsense and William hugs Sam and then Jorja stands up from Lennon's lap and she coldly says hello to William kissing his both cheeks. Then he looks down at Lennon. Lennon is fidgeting with the ring on his middle finger, and looks away.

\- Lennon Lewis. - William says smugly and looks at Lennon testily then laughs a short, humorless laugh.   
A haunting laugh that echoes mercilessly in the vacancy of his mind. _Relax. Deep breaths. Think_. Is what Lennon's brain is telling him, and then he sees William's hand that wants to shake his.

-Let's stop with formalities and get this over with so we can all agree that we can't work together and not waste anybody's time. I have places to be. - Lennon blurts angrily, making William actually stop in the middle of the room and glare at him.   
The room is dead silent and Lennon closes his eyes again but this time there's not him crying on the floor, there's him smiling while William kisses his nose under the covers.

Smiling while William takes his hand in his and kisses his knuckles.

Smiling while William calls him beautiful.

Smiling while William smiles back at him and Lennon sees his future brightly for the first time after his father left him and his sister left him and he realised his mother loved her next fix more than him and he stayed alone and empty ever since.

Then others start talking about something that Lennon can't quite hear, he completely zoned out. Lennon's heart lurches in his chest and begins to beat rapidly as William's eyes meet his briefly. Maybe he senses fear in his eyes, or sees a look of desperation across his face, but for a second Lennon can swear that he sees something in William's eyes. He's broken like Lennon is at this moment? It can't be. But just like hope, that look is fleeting, gone before Lennon can even grab hold of it, tuck it inside his chest and let it grow. He can't bear to look at him for even a moment more.

William whispers his name now, none of that cockiness from only a few moments before, but Lennon can't look at him because he has to leave. He knows leaving isn't even the hardest part, it is what spirals after and that is staying away. He grabs the door handle, pressing his lips tightly together, he opens the door. Quietly closing the door behind him he embraces the true feeling of loneliness.


	25. Before I ever met you

William POV 

Nobody says a word, and neither does William. Everybody just stares at each other with empty gazes that don't really say anything. After a minute, Nate coughs nervously and William is not brought back to reality until he hears the door shut. They left and he is grateful.

But soon William realises he is not alone and the person who he sees standing in front of him is Jorja.   
William can still feel the presence of the person he least expected to see when he walked into this room just a few minutes before. His eyes, they aren't the same bright, hypnotizing and warm blue green he remembers, they are dark, sad, bewildered. And he knows that the reason Jorja stayed is to talk about what those eyes mean.

\- Listen, William. You're alright. I don't know you very well but that much that I know, I can tell that you are smart, nice enough bloke. But you and I are not friends. Lennon is. He is more than a friend to me, he is a brother, a family. More important than that is that I am _his_ family, Sam and Nathan too, the only family he knows, he has. Everyone else that he had in life is gone and that's why I won't let you hurt him.

\- Jorja, w-what are you...- William listens to her cold but shaky voice, and feels a bit dizzy but she doesn't stop talking.

\- I'm not finished. You will talk to our managers and tell them that this can't work. This contract, and believe me I know that this is probably very dumb of me, and it will most likely damage our career, but it can't happen if Lennon wants to keep a little bit of his sanity. He barely made it to this meeting, I can only imagine what would happen in the future if you two have to work together.

\- I don't understand. Why? What would happen?

\- Oh wow. Ok. - she laughs, dark and bitter. - I see that you really didn't care about him after all, I mean I saw the headlines and your pretty perfect life that you have going on right now, it's cool, it's all cool William. You were probably just having a little harmless fun, before settling down, and yeah I guess you thought who better to have fun with than Lennon Lewis - the king of fun and games himself, but you took it too far. And I don't know the details because Lennon refuses to talk about you, I don't know what you said to him, because there must be something you said... You probably pulled off some Prince Charming shit with these eyes of yours, I mean half of the world would kneel in front of you if you just looked at them with those, but here's the thing - Lennon - _he_ is a player, he is the one who make people kneel for him, not the other way around, he was not supposed to be played - but he fell for it, for you, and I was the one who had to pick up the pieces of him when you fucking left. And I can't do it anymore. I don't know how. So I will purposely sabotage my band's success just so my best friend doesn't suffer anymore.

\- H-he suffers? Jorja wait! I ... - he hates him, that's for damn sure, so why isn't his pain bringing him any pleasure.

\- He was at the rock bottom for months after you just left without a word and finally was doing better now, until you showed up in his life again. He is fragile, he... - she takes a deep breath and stares out the window, taking a break, because all this clearly pains her. - Nobody knows how fragile he actually is because he hides it very well from the world. - William's blood slows and ices over in his veins as he looks at her dark brown eyes.

\- But I didn't know! I didn't know that you guys will be here, that you were the band that would be signed with us, that was probably something my uncle worked on before I came in his place...

\- It doesn't matter anyway. - she interrupts him and picks up her purse. - I believe you didn't know, and I also believe that you have the power to not allow this contract. Just stay away from Lennon, please.. It's for the best.  
  
  


Jorja then leaves the room and William just stares at the closed door. Alone in this room now, his head is as loud as firecrackers, breaking off into an explosion of confusion and worry all at once.   
As the day goes on he tries not to let what happened today consume him, but he fails horribly at the attempt. How is he supposed to respond to what Jorja said to him? With pity? Concern? Lennon was suffering for months apparently, and all because of William, but none of that made sense because William didn't hear a single word from Lennon since that night, since the night when he saw Lennon leave with Matty. So how does all of that make sense?

He moved on. Being back in New York and doing his favourite thing, working on an exciting play on Broadway helped him slowly put the memory of those wild, restless nights in London into a box and then another box and another box and store it in some dark closet he very rarely dared to open.

He convinced himself that Lennon could never be serious enough about any type of committing or monogamous relationship, that he was too young and too wild and too untrustworthy. That even though William didn't believe Nina when she said Lennon was trying to use William for connections and money, he still resented him for lying about his relationship with Matty, no matter how unimportant that relationship was or how long ago.

The fact that he allowed himself to trust Lennon so much to have sex with him without protection and then finding out that he and Matty might still have something going on, and seeing them leave together was something he used as a pretty good reason to forget him. Add the part where he never called or texted to apologize or explain, and William concluded that Lennon simply never even cared enough.

William shakes his head raking a hand through his hair. He still can't believe he saw Lennon this morning and how that made him feel. How shocked he was but tried to keep his composure. He can't believe that man would still affect him like that after a year.

But the worst part was the moment when Jorja told him about Lennon being fragile. Lennon only ever mentioned his family once in those times they spent time together, his sister that passed away and that his parents were the Beatles fans but William never imagined that he has no family at all and that there is a much bigger story behind it, a story that Lennon is hiding from everyone.

William is so stunned, all these thoughts racing through his mind that he doesn't hear anything Micah is saying to him while entering his office. Why is William feeling this sadness? Finding about Lennon's pain burdens him with incredible hurt. Micah is still talking, William is staring out of the window. There are clouds outside. Deep, dark clouds. It will rain soon.

\- Are we going to reschedule? - he can hear Micah's voice in the distance.

\- I'm sorry, what? - William doesn't understand the question because he is too distracted.

\- Are we going to reschedule the meeting with the Edge of Revolution? I'm not sure what happened today but I can make another appointment.

\- Micah, I am sorry, can we talk about this later, I have a personal matter I have to deal with?

\- Oh, of course, I will email you the contract later for you to review. And...

\- Thanks. I will look into it later. Now excuse me, I have to make this call.

\- Certainly Mister Hamilton-Smith. I will be at my desk if you need me. - after Micah finally leaves William takes his phone and calls the only number that he knows can answer questions he has all day.

\- Liam, I need to talk to you. - William tells impatiently after he hears a _hello_ , skipping all formal greetings.

\- Ok, sure mate, what's up, you sound stressed.

\- I am. I mean, I'm just... confused. I had an interesting morning.

\- Okay?

\- I saw Lennon.

\- Really ? Where?

\- He came to my work. I mean, the whole band came, and it was a disaster. I had no idea that they were in discussions to transfer to my record label, but I guess my uncle did that before and just didn't tell me. When I think about it now, my dad did tell me the last time I saw him that my uncle was bringing some big names, but I would have never thought it would be Edge of Revolution and I...

\- Hey hey slow down Will, just, wait...- William can hear some voices in the background.- I'm kind of in the middle of something now, and this is a pretty important topic to talk about over the phone.

\- Right. Sorry Liam, I was just so fucking confused after they left, after Jorja told me stuff about Lennon...I had to talk to someone. And you're the only one I can talk to. About this.

\- Yeah of course, we have to talk about it, like I wanted when you were at my place. But you changed the topic, remember?

\- I know, I know. You don't have to be a dick about it. - William breathes out a humorless laugh and stares outside, the combination of buildings new and old making the London skyline magnificent and unique.

\- Anyway, I got to go now, but come and see me tomorrow, yeah?

\- Sure, I will be in the office but after five is alright?

\- Oh ... I'm at this work thing from six o'clock and then I'm flying the day after tomorrow.

\- Shit, that sucks.

\- Actually, why don't you come to this thing? It's a cocktail party that my firm organized for the new branch we are opening in London.

\- You sure? Isn't it a work thing?

\- It will be casual, I won't actually be working so we will definitely be able to talk, don't worry. It's the only time really before I go back to New York.

\- Ok, then.

\- Sweet. It's in Covent Garden, I will put you on the guest list.

\- Sure, text me the address and I will be there.

*

Liam is looking good in his gray button up and William is just feeling awkward. Not that he can't fit in in this crowd of posh architects but the reason he is here - to talk about Lennon Lewis with one of his friends it doesn't look like a good idea anymore. What if Liam says to Lennon that William is freaking out about seeing him like a pathetic little teenage girl?

\- So what did you tell him when you saw him? - Liam asks before taking a sip of his single malt. The roof terrace has filled up, everyone around is engaged in conversations and William glances around, surveying the gathered crowd. He doesn't really want to have this conversation out in the open.

\- Well nothing.

\- Nothing?

\- No, Liam, I said hi to everyone else and then when I was about to shake his hand like a civilised human being he stood up and left.

\- Oh...

\- Yes! - William raises his voice and curious stares slide their way so he takes a deep breath and continues in a normal tone. - And stop feeling sorry for him, you should feel sorry for me. Because I have no idea why is everyone acting like I am this horrible person that broke Lennon's heart when he was the one who was fucking Matty Sinclair all that time he was fucking me.

William looks red in his face after realising that he said that last part a bit too loud. Definitely not a good idea to talk about this here, he is getting too worked up. He never really admitted to anyone that he and Lennon had been secretly having sex. Only Nina knew and she pretended that it never happened. This is the first time he says it outloud.

\- Are you sure? How do you know that? - Liam is not at all surprised by William's bursting out which only proves his point that Liam knows everything. He is not worried about him telling anything about his secret, though.

\- Well I saw him. Like, the same night when I was about to break up with Nina. For him, by the way. And invite him to come to New York. If he wanted. And ... yeah. I am the one who was the victim.

In the middle of William's rant Liam's phone rings from his pocket and when he pulls it out his face changes instantly.

\- Oh fuck, I completely forgot. - Liam looks guilty at William and William looks at Liam's phone. He still doesn't know the reason for Liam's changing mood. He answers the call, looking at William with wide eyes.

\- Hey Lennon. - William tenses after hearing his name but almost chokes on his rum and coke after he hears Liam's next sentence.

\- Oh you're here. Great. Yeah... I'm at the bar. -

Liam is scanning the area trying to spot Lennon, who is here and William can't believe his luck, he is mouthing _what the fuck, Liam!_ but Liam is ignoring him like he knows that William will most definitely kill him.

\- Oh yep, I see you. - he waves in the direction of the entrance door and then he hangs up.

\- Speak of the Devil. - he winks and playfully punches his shoulder. - Calm down, Will, I am so sorry, please don't kill me.

\- Why is he here??

\- I completely forgot that I invited him to come here, the other day. We didn't manage to catch up since I came to London so I told him to come tonight.

William gulps his drink and runs fingers through his hair. He casually glances at the entrance door. And pause. Lennon walks confidently amongst the crowd, his dark hair looks as he, or someone else ran their hands through it several times. He wears a pair of perfectly tailored striped black and white trousers and sheer black shirt with almost all buttons unopened revealing pectoral muscles and his tattoos. It's all obviously very expensive, probably put together by fashion stylists from Saint Laurent or Gucci or Versace, because aside from his successful musical career he has also been a guest star in their campaigns.

William couldn't really escape all the adverts around shopping malls or while randomly scrolling through social media, even if he tried. And now William just stands there like an idiot ogling him as he walks. Everyone seems to notice him, because how can they not, he's not just good-looking, he's a magnetic force of nature.

He also has a thick, muscled bodyguard following him not far behind. And then Lennon sees him. He looks at him, straight into his eyes. Fuck. His look is cold, ruthless in complete contrast with his pretty face. He presses his lips together when he catches William watching, standing next to Liam. Tension doesn't even begin to describe how William feels at the moment Lennon approaches them at the bar. This is all a bit too much.

\- Hey Len, so nice of you to come. - Liam says with a smile, and then Lennon hugs him, the smell of his cologne hits William's nostrils. He still doesn't say anything. And he doesn't acknowledge William after he breaks from his hug with Liam.

\- William joined us for a drink, hope you don't mind.

Liam tries to ease the tension. Lennon raises his eyebrow and licks his lips but says nothing as he looks at the wine bottles that are on display at the bar.

William needs to stay away and he will stay away. Jorja told him. First step is to be gone from this party and away from that devilish look in Lennon's eyes. And second is to email Lennon's manager that they won't be signing a contract with his record label. Uncle will most likely be disappointed but he will deal with him later. And then Lennon speaks.

\- I just came to say a quick goodbye to you before you go back to New York tomorrow. Not sure I'll stay, don't like the wine selection in this place anyway.

He sounds snobbish and arrogant and William knows it's only a mask, a stupid excuse so he doesn't have to stay in this place. He clearly wants to run away from William, out of this place, out of the country, out of this planet. Like he ran from his office yesterday and that fact saddens William. They couldn't stay away from each other before, always tempted to touch or be close. Like magnets.

Being this close to him he sees the glimmer of a silver chain, two small perked nipples under his sheer shirt and chipped, black nail polish on few of his fingernails.

He is gorgeous, William thinks. He is still bloody attractive, the most attractive person in this room and _he_ had sex with him. More than once. He fucked him hard. He fucked him gently. He almost left his future wife for him. He almost loved him.

How do you go back to being strangers with someone who you thought you could love more than yourself?

\- Listen, you don't have to leave because of me.

William says driving all those thoughts away. It's strange how he thought he hated Lennon Lewis the whole year and after yesterday, he can 't.

\- No, it's cool. - he looks at his watch. - You finish your drink. I will go. - Lennon glances at William but pretends like he is not here, he looks at someone behind him. Cold.

\- Nobody is leaving. - Lennon flinches at Liam's harsh tone. - We will order some nice drinks and talk like mature, adult guys at the bar do. Cut the bullshit. You two are depressing me and everyone with your whining and sulking.

Liam then turns to the bartender and orders three whiskeys on the rocks. He gives one glass to Lennon and Lennon is about to protest but Liam cuts him off. - N-n- no no, don't want to hear it. Drink. Apparently the wine selection is not by your standards, princess. Now you will drink what I say. - and Lennon's face is tense but melts into his trademark smile and William struggles to keep a straight face as well.

\- Yes, Sir. - Lennon rolls his eyes at Liam and all three of them lift their glasses saying cheers.

After a few minutes an older man in an expensive suit, probably a colleague architect, approaches Liam and they talk about business leaving William and Lennon in uncomfortable silence.

\- So ... whisky is quite good. - William says awkwardly to break the silence. Lennon looks at him while letting a smirk creep up his face but still very much closed off.

\- Thought you and I don't do small talk?

\- You're right. I'm just... all this is stupid, I don't want it to be awkward. - Lennon looks at him with eyes full of unreadable emotion but turns away quickly. - I want to apologize. For the sake of our friends. We are clearly making the situation worse. - William doesn't really know why he is apologizing but he knows he has to start from somewhere. He knows now that Lennon had some sort of feelings for him.

\- Why are you apologizing exactly, William? I am curious. - William's palms are sweating now. He doesn't know. He wants Lennon to apologize to him too.It's only fair. Nobody here wanted to hurt anyone on purpose.

\- I guess I don't know... but I feel like I should. - he says slowly.

\- You don't have to force yourself onto the situation to try to make it comfortable for the both of us.

\- Would you rather I stand here in silence?

And Lennon doesn't answer, instead he does that thing with his eyes - staring at William until you are so uncomfortable from the intensity of his irises that you have to turn away. But William doesn't turn away.

\- I guess I can try. My bandmates weren't exactly happy with me yesterday. We will have to work together.

\- Yeah, that was quite a surprise.

\- You damn right. - they both smile.

\- So. - William knows he might regret this but speaks anyway. - Friends?

William asks with uncertainty while noticing those conflicting feelings constantly at war behind Lennon's eyes like a scared child. He used to see right through his impenetrable armour made of confidence, cockiness and shiny smiles.

\- Friendly.

\- Aw... love this, actual smiles. - Liam joins them and hugs Lennon.- Well something that is on the way to become a smile. But I'll take it.

Humorous Liam is poking the corner of his lips like he wants him to smile wider and Lennon pouts his lips at him. William finds this adorable. Why is this happening all over again? Why does he get to see Lennon not as some snobby rock star but as this kind innocent human who's affectionate and loving with his close friends, apparently his only family. That's one of the favourite things about their short time together, how responsive to touch he is, how affectionate.

\- Everything for you Li-man. I will miss you. When is your flight?

\- Around 10 in the morning. Oh Will, don't forget you have that tattoo appointment tomorrow.

\- Oh right, almost forgot. Too bad you can't join me like we planned. - William tells him.

\- You'll be ok. Dom is cool and I already told him about you.

\- Oh, you're getting a tattoo at Dom's place? - Lennon questions. - His work is sick. He did my leg a couple of months ago.- he is pointing at his thigh casually, and William wants to look at it closely but knows that would be weird.

\- Lennon yeah, you know Dom, why don't you take him tomorrow? - Liam questions.

\- What? - both Lennon and William say in unison, dumbfounded.

\- I mean... you know where it is and William doesn't. Help out a friend. Right?

\- I d-don't think that's necessary Liam. I have a car, you know.

\- I know but you have never been there.

\- There's this thing called sat-nav, it's the 21st century after all. - he dismisses it sarcastically and sips his drink.

\- Ok I'll drive you. - Lennon says not phased at all and William stops mid way with his glass.

\- You'll what?

\- See, that's perfect Lennon, thank you so much mate, now I won't feel guilty for not taking Will.

\- Are you sure? It's really not necessary. - William is confused by this sudden act of friendliness.

\- What time do you have to be there?

\- 5 o'clock.

\- I will pick you up at 4:30. Liam can message me your address, I don't have your number. -

Ouch. That hurt a bit, but really it shouldn't. Why would he still have his number after all this time? William still didn't delete his, but that's a completely different thing. Anyway, William is shocked that Lennon actually wants to do this, spend time with him after all the drama. Maybe he is trying to be civil because of Liam or his band mates or maybe he has a plan to kidnap William, kill him and bury his body in some forest - either way he will take him up on an offer.


	26. Aroused

William POV

His alarm startels him from the most erotic dream he had in his life. He curses silently, switches the alarm off and rolls in the fluffy, soft bed sheets. He grabs his achingly hard penis over his underwear.

Lennon waltzes into his life just after he has accepted he'll never see him again, and turns everything on its head. His expression of raw hurt and anger keeps playing over and over in his head. Fuck. Why did he come into his life again?

William rubs his temples as a dull ache starts building inside his skull. God, he looked like a prince, his hair longer then he remembers, his body stance defiant, his gorgeous face, his lips ... fuck... those lips. And now he wakes up with a throbbing cock and wild desire for him.

Nina is next to him sound asleep in their bed and he could just roll over and fuck her if he really wanted to. But he knows that really doesn't work anymore. He is quiet as he leaves the room, picks up his gym bag and heads out, deciding to work himself out in order to stop those thoughts coming back. He spends an extra hour in the gym, headphones in, listening to some new artists he is trying to sign. After leaving Broadway and the intense workout regimen he had in New York he made sure to continue with as much physical exercise as his new job allowed. Maybe the real reason is the possibility of going back to the theater one day again, he doesn't know. He enjoys it. Not today apparently.

When he is back in his room in Charlotte's house, Nina is long gone to her filming location. He takes a long, cold shower, and it's invigorating after a good sweat. He goes to the wardrobe to pick up some work clothes for today, absentmindedly going through hangers and drawers until he is frozen in place in front of that piece of clothing that is not his.

He wore it twice in his life; the day after he met Lennon Lewis, when he woke up in his hotel room and then Lennon took him out for the day. Second time was when he and Lennon first fucked and the next day he had to go out for lunch with Nina. Both very memorable days. After that he promised to himself never to wear Lennon's black Adidas hoodie again. So he forgot about it.

But now, standing naked with only a towel around his hips, and exhausted from the gym session and the restless night full of long haired angel with a devilish smile, the only thing he can do is to bring the only piece of Lennon he has to his face and inhale the sweet, familiar, fruity smell. He is going crazy, it probably doesn't even smell like him after all this time but he can pretend.

God, it takes a supreme effort just not to think of this hoodie hugging Lennon's body. He walks back to bed slowly, his cock already swollen with need, thick and hard and aching for him. He falls down on his front with face buried in the hoodie. Strained sound escapes his throat as soon as his erection comes in contact with the mattress and he can't help it, he humps the mattress making the towel slip away from his body. It feels so good.

The rough material of towel rubs against his naked flesh, it almost hurts, but he gently squeezes Lennon's hoodie in his hands, eyes shut, blocking everything except what is in his head.

He is touching his warm skin. He is licking his plump, bottom lip and then sucking it into his mouth. He can hear him, his raspy breathing in the dark. He can see his pleasure. William's chest is silently heaving as he clutches the hoodie and moves it down, between his legs. He is under him. He feels Lennon gripping his upper arms, his fingers digging in, his leg hiked up around his hip. His warmth feels so good. William moans loudly rubbing against the hoodie, rubbing against Lennon. _Lennon._

 _-_ Lennon.

\- _Lennon. - he kisses his jaw, his throat. - Open your eyes, Lennon, hey... -_

_He kisses his temple, a shudder running through his spent body. He is sweaty, mouth_ _open, still shaky from the orgasm and then he opens his eyes, locking them on William above him. He looks drunk and dazed and horny. He_ _is_ _a wet dream that became his reality._

_\- You ok?_

_\- Mhm. Yeah. Ok. - he gasps out._

_\- You did so well, baby._

_William whispers into his ear, then bites his earlobe. - That was pretty intense, wasn't it? Thought you would pass out on me for a moment. - William is amused and slightly worried at the same time, and how can he not be, after getting high with Lennon, then fucking him hard and bare against the sofa and making him come from just his cock, he picked him up, thrown him on the bed and fucked him with his fingers. Twisting them inside his hole, so slick from the lube and his come. He was rubbing against that spot, until Lennon screamed in ecstasy underneath him and spurted all over his chest. There was not a lot of cum left in him but the intensity of another orgasm and overstimulation made Lennon quivering. And William watched in awe._

_\- I didn't think it was possible to come again._

_\- Well you sure did. You looked fucking gorgeous. - William teases with a small laugh and Lennon's eyes are not moving away from his face. - It's like you couldn't stop coming..._

_\- I never came like that before. Or without touching my dick._

_\- No?_

_William is curious, Lennon admitted that he bottomed a long time ago, which doesn't necessarily mean he reached an orgasm like that. But not to explore his own pleasure? Even William used to own a tiny vibrator he occasionally liked to use when he masturbated, not so much since he was in a long term relationship, but he was definitely experimenting as a young single man. - You never played with yourself? Never put a finger or a toy down there?_

_\- No. - Lennon keeps tightening and relaxing his grip on William's hip._

_\- Hmm._

_William's mouth is back on his, a bit possessive, a bit controlling, a lot scared. The idea of him being the first one to make Lennon feel like this, experience this, scares him. He likes it too much and he shouldn't. His hand sneaks down and the pad of his finger brushes over Lennon's nipple, and then continues going down his abs, their tongues are moving together in a slow kiss but when William grabs his spent cock next Lennon exhales loudly against his mouth. He pulls it a few times and stares at his face, and Lennon doesn't even blink, just stares back, both realizing that these are the versions of them nobody else gets to see._

_\- William. William... what are... s-stop. - he whines quietly and is trying to close his thighs at overstimulation but William's body on top of him ensures they stay spread wide for him. After a few more gentle pulls he stops the movement, and presses a tender kiss to his lips._

_\- Want you to come again. - Lennon squirms when William collects some of the cum from Lennon's belly and brings it down between his legs._

_\- I really can't, I- I can't. - but he arches his back bringing their bodies closer when he feels the soft touch of William's fingers on his rim._

_\- You can, baby. You've been so good. So fucking good for me. - William whispers as he pushes one finger inside and Lennon licks his parched lips unconsciously then scrapes his fingertips across William's back. He loves to push his limits, play with him like this, praise him just to see how radiant his face gets after that. - I know you can, and it will blow your mind, I promise, it will feel so good, better than the last one._

_\- Mmm... - Lennon murmurs softly against his lips and squeezes his eyes shut. He adds another finger with no effort whatsoever - he's so loose from all the fucking and fingering._

_\- Fuck._

_\- Len. Lenny, look at me, please. - Lennon opens his eyes and stares at him with so much passion that William thinks his look will set him on fire. - I need you to tell me to stop if you can't take it at some point, if it's too much. Ok? Just say stop.- Lennon nods and lifts his head from the mattress to try to reach William's lips, frantic and desperate. - Wait, maybe stop is not a good idea, you might say it but not mean it, let's, let's use my first name. Yeah?_

_\- Ok yes, yeah. Gabriel._

_\- Yes. Just call me Gabriel and I will immediately stop if you don't like it. - he kisses his shoulder and then bites it softly. - But trust me, I'll make sure you like it._

_And then he pulls away from Lennon so he can watch his own fingers going deeper and deeper inside his warmth. Once again. He finds his sweet spot quickly and keeps rubbing it more aggressively as Lennon releases these throaty little moans, he surrenders and William notices his dick starts swelling again._

_His own dick is aching now and he prays for it to hold off just a little bit more. He sees that hole so lax, so wet and pushes a third finger, slowly, just to test the waters. Lennon just locks his eyes with William and gives a silent nod, breathing heavily again, body trembling._

_\- Please... please... fuck. I can't, too much... - he moans and whimpers then he reaches for William's neck, trying to pull him back down, closer to him._

_\- Do you want to stop? - William's nose nudges his cheek, Lennon quickly shakes his head._

_\- N-no. More. Give me more. Please. - William continues hitting his prostate relentlessly, and then closes his other hand around Lennon's now full erect cock._

_\- More? Want to try another finger?_

_\- Fuck. - he breathes out, focusing on William's voice._

_\- I stretched you really good with my cock, baby, and my fingers. - he's voice is husky as he lets go of Lennon's cock and reaches for Lennon's right hand that is gripping William's waist. - Give me your hand. Touch your hole, Lennon. Feel how much you opened up for me. - he guides Lennon's two fingers near the spot where William's three fingers are already penetrating him, now missing that spot inside on purpose. - It won't hurt, baby, you're so wet, still so fucking full of cum, remember?_

_Lennon circles his rim shakily, coating his index and middle finger in lube and cum, and then slowly pushes his fingers past the ring of muscles, squeezing them in there together with William's. He whimpers at the stretch and William instantly sits up on his knees to look, completely entranced._

_\- Jesus fucking..._

_\- I feel so full. - he whispers as his fingers pick up William's pace, digging deeper, sliding them against William's, against his own walls, making delectable wet squishy noises that mix so well with their moans._

_\- Holy shit, you look so fucking hot, Lennon. Gonna make yourself come like this, hm, beautiful? - William pulls his fingers out of Lennon and he almost sobbs at the loss._

_\- Curl your fingers baby, just like I did, find your spot._

_\- Mmm... William, I...- he watches Lennon's stunning, flushed face, teary eyes and grabs his own cock starting to jerk himself off. Then Lennon chokes out a sinful moan out his swollen lips._

_\- There you go. - William watches Lennon crying out and losing himself more and more as he's shifting the tempo from focused exploration to a forceful hammer, pegging his prostate over and over. - That's it, make yourself come for me, Lennon._

_He lowers himself back down, above Lennon's face, so close their lips touch, so close he swallows his breaths and then grabs his cock together in the fist with his own._

_\- N-no. Will... I can't._

_\- Yeah you can. Just like that. - he's so so close and Lennon's dick is dripping so much now, maybe he is coming already._

_\- Ah... I need... Fuck me, William. Now. Fuck me. Fuck me. - and William wants to die then and there. Lennon is clinging onto him with agony and lust, arching into him, one or two tears escaping his glazed eyes. - I... m-more._

_\- Shhh, I'm here. Yeah, right here. -_

_He thumbs his tears away gently and fucks into him, slams hard and raw and deep. Lennon groans for the dual invasion, fingers and dick, the force of it making Lennon's fingers slip out soon after. He keeps stroking Lennon's cock between them fast and suddenly he feels Lennon's hole tightening around him, his body shaking uncontrollably. H_ _is_ _orgasm is so hard, already drained to the last drop so there's nothing coming out of the slit of his cock but he can feel his quaking pelvis, shivering muscles, contracting flesh._

_\- Fuuuuuck._

_He groans into Lennon's neck where he collapses disoriented after he exploded deep inside of him. Lennon's spasms started his own mind-blowing orgasm_ _,_ _he was so in awe of it, how Lennon's pleasure surged from his body into William's, and then the other way around._

He blinks rapidly trying to adjust to the light of the morning in his room. The black hoodie sticky with his hot cum underneath him where he humped that thing like a teenager.

\- Christ... 

He tries to catch his breath, wiggling the hoodie from underneath his crotch. He doesn't remember when was the last time he came this hard by himself, he doesn't think he ever even watched a porn more intense then memories of him and Lennon in bed are. This is embarrassing and sick and the worst of it all is that he knows for certain that wanking hasn't moved him from danger to safety. It only dug the hole deeper. He hurriedly gets up, cleans himself and puts the towel and the hoodie in the humper. He rushes to work praying there will be no more stubborn boners at least not until after he sees Lennon again.

*

Hours pass. He refuses to let Lennon enter his thoughts the whole day at work, he has managed not to think of him once but it's getting increasingly difficult. He would be writing something on his computer or talking to Micah about work and then all of a sudden those crazy beautiful eyes swimming in sadness would cross his mind - he hurt him. Jorja is right.

He wants to feel nothing but every fiber in his body is struggling with the fact that somehow he managed to hurt Lennon. And he is pissed off that his heart is already racing at the thought of seeing him this afternoon.

So William finishes up early and lets Micah know that if he needs him he can call him on his phone or email him. He wasn't focused and couldn't get anything done anyway with his mind somewhere else. Charlotte's and Jack's place in Chalk Farm is the closest he has to home until Nina and him find a house but he still feels like intruding. He was thinking about staying in Four Seasons again but Nina would never accept that and he understands, it's a fair reason. He is trying not to upset her after he cheated on her.

After showering and getting ready he sees Charlotte on the way down to the front room.

\- Hey Charlotte, you alright? - he hugs her from behind and kisses the top of her head and she chuckles.

\- What are you doing home, Will? I thought you're still at the office.

She turns around and kisses his cheek then moves into the room and sits on the cozy sofa with her laptop on her lap. Her three floor house is an interior designer's wet dream with warm beige and white tones. She even had Architectural digest, Elle Decor and British Vogue do photo shoots of her beautiful home.

\- I have a tattoo appointment so I finished early. - he quickly looks at his phone checking the time. Lennon should be here any minute. He probably didn't want to get his number from Liam, so he's not expecting a text or a call.

\- You seem nervous, you know it's not your first tattoo. - Charlotte laughs.

\- I'm not nervous. I just.. - Charlotte looks up at him and he looks out of the window.

\- Erm... nothing, forget it. Anyway, I wanted to let you know that we will move out soon, I feel so bad staying here, you and Jack are probably sick of us and want the house all for yourselves.

\- Yeah, actually we're kind of bored of having sex only in the bedroom, we do want to explore other parts of the house but we can't because of you guys.

\- Ew. No. Don't want to know that my sister is having sex. - William makes a face like he will throw up and Charlotte laughs at that.

\- Please Will, we really don't mind. I like having you here, I missed you so much when you were living in the States so you can stay as long as you want. House is big enough anyway. Where's Nina by the way, is she going with you?

\- No, she's at the theater and then having dinner with her colleagues afterwards. A friend is coming to pick me up and then we'll go.

\- Oh ok. Just don't worry about staying here please.

\- Thanks, you're the best. But Nina is looking at some houses already so it will happen soon I think, just so you know.

Yes, he is getting married and buying a house. Why again is he seeing Lennon? The person he cheated Nina with. Being this much fucked up is a sport William should compete at the Olympics because surely he would be the winner.

\- Will, are you sure about marrying Nina?

Charlotte is dead serious when she asks the question and William looks at her like she knows something that he doesn't because asking that question means there so much more story behind it. He opens his mouth to say something but the sudden loud honk of a car horn scares them both and interrupts the conversation. It must be Lennon and William's confusion with Charlotte's question is substituted with excitement. Charlotte wants to get up to see who it is but William stops her.

\- No need to get up, it's probably my friend. - saying the word friend never felt more strange coming out of his mouth.

\- Ok. Have fun. Don't faint.

She smiles at him and continues working on her laptop. When William leaves, Charlotte turns around and looks out the window from where she's sitting and sees him walking down the path and the person in the car is someone she thinks she saw on her doorstep a while ago.

\- _Say my name. - William mutters against his throat. He feels every ferocious beat of his heart against his chest._

_\- William. - Lennon says softly. - William. WilliamWilliamWilliam._

_William exhales . - That's the one I wanted to hear._

_His head is still spinning, eyes in the darkness of Lennon's shoulder, his neck, his hair and the sheets where he buried his head. Just don't say Gabriel, just don't be hurt, just love this as much as I love it, he thinks as Lennon keeps repeating his name as in trance. This is a level of intimacy that he never experienced before. Thought never will. It's overwhelming. He breathes, slow and deep, trying to control the pace of his heart._

William shakes another persistent thought away as the lavender blue 1972. Jaguar S 3 Coupe comes into view. He jumps into the car that waits for him on the curb in front of Charlotte's place, there's Edge of seventeen by Stevie Nicks on the radio and the car smells like a mixture of leather, pine scented car air freshener and bubble gum. He knows he's instantly transported into Lennon's dimension.

\- Hello, Gabriel.

William tenses as he hears him say his first name, name he knows William absolutely detests. He just feels him next to him like a force, but doesn't look. He's still trying to figure out where they stand, what they are - what they aren't.


	27. Tattoos together

Lennon POV

William is so fucking beautiful it takes so much effort not to run his eyes all over his body in this Ralph Lauren t-shirt and jeans. He is seriously considering calling Ralph and telling him that this fit and design is not acceptable because it can cause car crashes. He wants to linger on that face for more than two seconds, but unfortunately he has to keep his eyes on the road while this man sitting next to him in his car is creating a savage hunger deep within his mind and body he can barely contain.

He remembers last night at the bar with Liam, how William was staring at him, his eyes two blazing blue crystals in a confused face. Lennon almost left without saying goodbye, which would be rude to his best friend Liam, but his anger was stronger than feeling guilty. But he stayed.

He was not going to make this easy for him, why should he. He wanted to shame him. He showed no sign of emotion from the last time they met, he is all business. William apologized to him last night but he didn't buy it. He didn't actually know what he was apologizing for.

And it hurt him so much, he could at least say that he heard the song but couldn't answer back because his phone broke down. By the way thanks for that song, it was crap, but thank you. By the way the queen stopped by, and her corgi ate the envelope before I could open it, sorry. Anything. The stupidest lie.

He would feel better if William just acknowledged the end of their relationship. Or whatever that was - a fling, sex adventure, one-two-three-four-five-night stand, stupid crush.

\- Why did you say you'll drive me today Lennon?

Tricky question, Lennon thinks - _Because I fucking want you more than anything or anyone I've ever wanted in my life. Because you fucking broke my heart and even now don't understand what that did to me. Because after you I barely let another person touch me just so they don't try to erase invisible marks that your touches left on my body. Because I will never be hurt that way again. You will be my ultimate test of control, that's why. Because by the end of this stupid work commitment I will care nothing for you and I'll finally be free of the fucking pain that I caried for the past year._

 _-_ Because I was thinking of getting another tattoo as well, so why not, right? - he chews on his gum and manages to stay calm.

\- Right. I guess.

\- And we have to get along if we're supposed to work together. Your words. - Lennon's voice firm and determined, William moves his gaze from the window to Lennon's hands on the steering wheel, then on his face, but Lennon keeps his eyes on the road.

\- Yes. - he replies.  
  
  


He rolls his precious vintage car he purchased half a year ago to a stop outside the tattoo parlour and attempts not to attract attention.

\- So many people in this area, fucking hell. - he grumbles. William shifts in the passenger seat. - Won't be easy without my bodyguard.

He parks in a space several feet away, hoping to blend while William flicks a lighter and lights the cigarette between his lips.

\- What now? - William's knee bounces with unusual anxiety. It's strange to see him lose his composure, maybe being in a small space with his past affects him as much as affects Lennon and he wants to get out of the car as soon as possible.

\- We wait. Just for a few minutes. Hopefully it will clear up. Sorry, I just hate bringing my bodyguard to every little thing.

Relieved to see the empty street, they silently agreed it's time to go. Lennon moves his gaze around the area one last time, both relieved and nervous about the quiet atmosphere, while he wipes his sweaty palms on his trousers.

Like most tattoo artists, Dom is covered in body art. But his is rather unusual. It is completely done in solid black ink. There is no shading or colours. There is not a single word, person, object, or animal in the design. His arms and neck, the only parts visible under his tank top, are covered with tribal looking patterns. Intricate line detail and symbols combined together to create a beautifully complex work of art. Lennon finds himself wondering how long it would take to sit for that much work.

\- Let's get this started. 

Dom sat William down at his station. Dom made a stencil from the sketch William sent him already and puts it in place. He places the stencil perfectly so all the elements are in just the right place as William had envisioned. As he sits in the chair so Dom could work on his chest, Lennon feels like he should go somewhere else because seeing William's naked chest and those defined abs splayed out on the reclined chair is more distracting than he wanted it to be. And what's with all that new ink, there must be at last seven or eight tattoos on his arms and torso.

\- I'm gonna go look around Dom. - he turns around with hands in his pockets looking at the wall full of photos of people who Dom tattooed before.

\- Sure buddy. Help yourself with some beers? You know where the fridge is.

\- Do you have tea? I'm driving. - and Lennon can hear William laugh at what Lennon said. His stomach drops. Lennon turns his head slightly and caughts sight of William's smile.

\- What? - he says a bit shyly.

\- Nothing. Just Lennon I know would not refuse an alcoholic beverage when offered. - William jokes and both him and Dom laugh at that. Lennon really should have gone with a banter, it felt good to joke around, just mates having fun. But something just won't let him. Anger rolls over him like a blanket. He continues to walk towards the kitchenette to make tea.

\- Well this is not Lennon you know anymore. - he bites out.

\- You good? - Dom asks Lennon when he comes back from the kitchenette in the back of the studio. He made three cups of tea and puts two cups on the small table next to Dom and William. The tiny needles of the tattoo gun are rapidly going in and out of William's skin and he instantly feels the urge to look closer.

\- Does it hurt?

\- Umm, no not really. I always get unbearably nervous prior to getting inked. But the moment I feel that first bite, I calm down completely. The hard part is over. Now all I have to do is sit still and wait for him to complete the job.

Lennon just nods and blows on his tea. He feels the same about getting tattooed. The pain grounded him. He loved it, the process and what they represent. Tattoos on his skin are a wall that prevent others seeing what's inside. And no one really doesn't know how to read them. When the fans or journalists ask him he never explains what they really mean, yeah, some of them are stupid and purely aesthetic like a palm tree that he had done in Los Angeles. But others, like a large picture frame on his back, translate his past.

\- Are you getting one too, Lennon? - Dom looks at him over the shoulder.

\- Maybe. There is something I saw on your desk back there while I was making tea.

\- Oh yeah? Let's do it. - Dom smirked.

\- Maybe. - Lennon says.

\- What made you get this piece? - Dom asks William conversationally, like artists always do.

\- I was reading this book and it just stuck with me...Find what you love and let it kill you. I just think we only live this one short life and it can end tomorrow or next year or in fifty. So we have to stop playing it safe. I've been playing it safe all my life basically and I don't know if I can stop. But I know I have to take risks to actually live life. Real life. And most of the time the best things in life can sometimes get ugly, messy. You don't get good without bad. You don't get love without pain. And if you're lucky to find that one thing that makes your heart race, whether it's a person, a job, you should have it no matter the consequences.

\- Wow. I love that, man. Even if it kills you it's alright because you're doing what makes you feel alive. - Dom says.

\- Yeah, exactly. I'm so predictable. Most of the time I want to be someone else, somewhere else and that sucks. So I'm getting this just so I'm reminded not to lose myself completely. Think that is the message. - after saying this Lennon finds William staring at him with a sober expression on his face. Nevertheless, the beautiful view of him made him blush. Lennon glared at him, seemingly speechless.

\- I think I will get a tattoo today after all Dom. A bee.

By the time Dom was done, the tattoo on Lennon's stomach looked amazing. It took a couple of hours, and also a couple of beers later William was now looking more relaxed. Lennon hated to admit to himself but he liked that look on him too.

\- You know, I created those two tattoos as one piece initially. When Liam sent me your idea William, for your tattoo, I was making a sketch of it and it sort of went from there, I ended up drawing the wings of an insect and it ended up being a bee... You two will always have that connection, and it was done in the same day? How cool is that?

Dom laughs from beside Lennon, taking his gloves off and throwing them in the bin. When William extends his hand to touch the edge of a wing of the bee on his stomach he can't quite detect the emotion that dances in his blue orbs. All he can tell is that it is intense. He is barely touching him and yet a touch had never felt more powerful. Lennon tries really hard to not let this affect him. His heart is acting weird, all tingly and light, when he is supposed to be pissed off. He stands there, paralysed by his own confusion. Part of him wants to leave, another wants to remain in precisely the same spot. Fuck. He is trying to break the connection with William not create new ones, like doing matching tattoos. What the fuck was that all about? He can't quite believe what Dom just told them.

\- Um.. think it's time we go. - Lennon clears his throat and steps away from William's touch.

\- Yeah. - William sighs. Lennon is caught in the past for a moment. His body was. William turns to Dom. - Thank you so much for today.

\- No worries, mate. So nice to meet you and lets do this some other time, yeah? - Dom adds softly. They go to his desk where they pay.

\- Oh I almost forgot. Can I just snap a quick photo of the tattoos so I can put them up on my wall? - Dom says as he reaches for his digital camera and both of them agree. - This looks amazing. Thanks lads. - Dom observes photos on his camera clearly proud of his work.

When they leave, it is dark outside and they walk in silence towards the car.

\- Well... I... This was nice. - William says, walking behind Lennon.

\- I guess. Would you like me to drop you off home?

\- Only if it's not a problem for you. I can get a taxi. - he quietly replies. Lennon turns toward William and shrugs his shoulders.

\- No, it's fine. - Lennon actually smiles while opening his door. William makes his blood tickle.

Most of the drive they spend in silence but it isn't uncomfortable. It's like they silently agree that it's the best for everyone to play nice. Lennon is still bitter, confused and proud.

But he can't help but admit that having William back in his life can only help him get over him. It is a strange logic, but he decides he will be above the situation. He has grown so much in a year, he can be friends with an ex.

Ringing of William's phone makes him flinch. He can't see who it is but William stares too long into the phone before picking up. There's some history repeating. William answers but doesn't say much. A voice on the other side is the only one speaking and it seems it's shouting because William tries to say something but he's not allowed.

\- Calm down, I will be at Charlotte's in 5 minutes. Yes. - he exhales, exhausted after only a minute of this conversation- Yes! Literally 5 minutes. We will talk.

And then he hangs up. Lennon knows. That was the fiancée. He didn't forget that fact, the front page of the magazine did say they are engaged. It's all good, Lennon thinks. He moved on and that fact that William is now definitely going to belong to her forever is only making things easier in his plan to only stay friends with him.

\- Nina I presume? - Lennon says without emotion and William stays silent running a hand through his hair. Lennon looks up at him, his brows furrowed in confusion. William doesn't say anything and starts typing something on his phone.

\- Dom posted our tattoos on his Instagram. And tagged both of us. It's everywhere online now. Fuck.

\- Oh. - is all Lennon can manage.

He definitely doesn't want any attention from the media, he was so careful all day knowing he didn't have a bodyguard. As big as the bend is now, he definitely has to avoid unnecessary exposure in the media that can do them harm. Now he also has to endure all his friends' questions about getting tattoos with William Hamilton-Smith.

\- I'm going to kill Dom. He should have asked for permission before posting.

\- No no, he is a nice guy, he couldn't have known that this would... escalate. And we did agree to have our pictures taken and put up on his wall, people would have seen.

\- Yeah but nobody would guess we were there on the same day or together.

\- It's my problem. I'll fix this. Thanks for the ride Lennon. I had fun tonight - William meets his eyes but is unapproachable at the moment. Lennon knows that much. Then he stops in front of the house of his sister and he watches him leave his car. With just a brief lift of the hand goodbye, Lennon drives away.  
  
  


*

William POV 

As soon as he closes the door of Charlotte's house behind him William can hear Nina's footsteps descending the stairs.

\- What the hell were you thinking? - Nina finally snaps. She stalks up to William and makes him meet her furious eyes, her perfectly styled hair falling down her shoulders. - How long have you been seeing him? What does he want from you now?

\- Nothing! - the word rips from his lips mercilessly. William looks down at her with something that feels like hurt. Like anger. - I didn't even plan this. His band is going to work with our record label, it wasn't my idea!

\- And why didn't you tell me about this? You promised me, William.

\- Nina...

It seems like she is not even listening. It's usually like this when they fight. And they fight a lot now, ever since he decided to give it another go, to fix things, to try to be happy with her. There are nice moments still, fragments of the blissful old relationship they had in the beginning but arguments are more frequent than not. And he tries, he tries so hard to just ignore her when she starts her monologues, because his words don't matter anymore. Not after what he did to her.

\- You promised me he was out of our lives! - she is shaking her head in disbelief.

\- There's nothing going on babe, you have to believe me. Just calm the fuck down! - he stares down at her. William has never ever raised his voice like that at her, at any woman.

\- No, I just, I just can't...

\- Calm. Down.

\- Why did you go out with him to do tattoos? What does that have to do with him being in your record label?

\- Well if you stop shouting like a crazy person and let me explain then maybe you would find out. - William simply replies and grips her shoulders trying to steady her. Make her listen. - I met Liam at some party yesterday to say goodbye and Lennon showed up, totally by accident, and then he offered to take me to this tattooist that both Liam and he know, that I had an appointment with. Remember, I told you the other day I'm getting a tattoo?

\- Yeah... - she whispers thinking about what he just said.

\- Believe me darling, the guy hates me, and I was not particularly happy to see him there in my office after everything that happened. After all this time. But we have to work together and we were just trying to be friendly in order not to make the whole thing awkward.

\- Can you not work with him?

\- I probably won't see them all that much to be honest. Couple of meetings here and there. This was... this was just this one time. It was nothing.

\- You should have told me.

\- I know. I know. I'm sorry. I didn't want to upset you.

\- But you did make it worse by not telling me. I had to find out from The Sun. How William Hamilton-Smith is best mates with Lennon Lewis all of a sudden and getting tattoos together and whatnot. Honestly...

William saw some glimpses of the articles about their 'bromance' in the car and hopes they will go away as soon as possible for the sake of Nina and some peace. He can see that her eyes are beginning to water. He stares at her face until sympathy washes over him.

\- Please, lets... lets go to the bedroom. Yeah? I don't want Charlotte and Jack hearing us fight like this.

William turns away and takes her by her hand, leading her upstairs. Once in the room he takes his jacket off and looks at her, she is still crying. - Nina.. - He wipes her face and she is in his arms before William could say anything else.

\- Nina, I am so sorry. Fuck...I... I don't know, don't know what to say when you're like this. It's so hard seeing you upset.

William arms come around her and he buries his head into her shoulder. - I fucked up, but I don't think I will ever know how not to fuck up when it comes to that topic. I always feel like everything I do is wrong.

\- It's hard to trust you after...you know. But, I just want us to get married and then I will be at peace. William, that's the only time I will be able to trust you.

\- Nina, we are getting married. But you have to trust me. It's not normal to...

\- I can't! - the sound that escapes her is almost not human. Her eyes are dark and evil and he's struggling to understand her like this, a woman he has known for so long and yet there are dark parts of her personality that he obviously doesn't know. - Now you spend time with him, and I just can't get it out of my head! I keep imagining you two...

\- No,n-no Nina, listen. Nina, look at me.

\- Promise me. I love you, Will.

\- I l- love you too.

\- Promise me we will get married. Let's get married. M? Let's pick a date now.

\- W-what? Wow Nina, w... - William pulse skyrockets.

\- Yeah, why not. - he gulps hard, trying to hold back the emotion that overwhelms him now. The conversation had taken a turn,and William stares at her speechlessly.

\- Um... Why rush now? Just because of a stupid fight? Come on, let's talk about it tomorrow, yeah? I know you want a big wedding,darling, we need time to organize it, and...

\- I don't want it. It doesn't have to be big. We can just get married, I already found a house that is perfect for us. The relitor said we can move in a month.

She says and all at once his world freezes.He staggers backwards and stares blankly at Nina.

\- My dad would never approve of this short notice, you know this wedding is a big thing for my family too. We said it will be next year.

Why is she acting like this? What is he supposed to do now? He does want to marry her, he does. It's right thing to do. But not yet. Not right now. It was supposed to be in a year, just enough time to mentally get ready. A thousand questions spirals in his head.

\- But you can talk to him, baby? Talk to your father and say it's important.

\- I guess I can.

*

This entire day has been a roller coaster of emotions. From his frustration about having to spend the day with Lennon after wanking to the memory of him in his bed, realisation that Lennon obviously hates him, dealing with Nina and her jealousy that is completely justified, to mentioning the word wedding. But what he feels now is infuriating because it makes no sense - no sense at all.

Guilt creeps up through his fingers. He feels it crawl up his spine and along his jaw, gnashing his teeth together as he squeezes his eyes closed. He doesn't deal with disappointment well. He doesn't do well with not living up to expectations. And while he managed to distract himself with life in New York for a couple of years, he is now back to the place that expects him to exceed all the time, no exceptions.

The night is long, and so is the next day. And the day after. And the one after that. The air is warmer, the flowers blossom in parks and trees colour the city in green, English summer is here. William throws himself into his job and the rest of his time he wears himself out in the gym. The office of a record label firm will never be the most fun place to work for him, but it is busy and distracting, and for that he is thankful.

Friday rolls round. He manages to avoid Lennon so far, just sending an email to their manager about three concerts they have scheduled this week, a part of summer festival in London and a couple of TV shows the band has to attend next month.

He also manages to avoid Nina so she doesn't have an opportunity to ask more questions about Lennon or the wedding.

He'd had time and space to think. And think he'd done. He is going over and over the things in his head. Thinking endlessly about his reaction to Lennon, how he felt when he was with him. He knows how he feels, he isn't stupid enough to deny it to himself. Analysing it would be silly, he likes Lennon, and he turns him on. End of. The thing he isn't sure of is how to deal with it and he will have to if Nina keeps insisting that the wedding happens as soon as possible.


	28. Dead boys

Lennon POV

Lennon's heart stops for a second. The screams in his ears are thunderous, the floor beneath his feet seems shaky as he stands behind the stage. It's Saturday, concert number one of three they have in London.

All of a sudden the lights dim and his heart pounds when he hears his name shouted through the venue. How did he deserve this? He doesn't deserve this. Nobody should worship him like this. Idolize him like this. He is not good and never will be. Pathetic.

He hears Nate's voice somewhere behind him, but it's hard to understand. All he can hear is the rush of his blood in his ears, his heart thumping as he blindly reaches for somebody and that somebody, he doesn't know who, hands him a guitar. They are ushered towards the stage, and he flinches when a hand comes to rest on his shoulder. The grip is strong and feels safe, familiar, his head snapping around to see who it is. It's Jorja. Her lips are stretched into a wide grin as she tells him not to be nervous or something like that. But he is not nervous, he never is nervous on stage. That is where he feels most secure and comfortable.

Lennon wants to tell her that, he wants to tell her the truth, that he's been down in a hole for months now, for a year almost, just falling. It started with sleeping pills, he couldn't sleep. He was losing his mind, everyone knew how fragile he was after what happened with William and they all tried to help.

Jorja was around all the time, hot chocolates and endless Netflix nights. Sam took him to bookstores and Nate bought him a new guitar. They were mostly busy with recording the album for a couple of months and then promoting it, doing gigs and TV appearances in the UK and America.

It all happened over the night - the number one single, the millions of followers, the MTV music video awards, covers of magazines and campaigns for major fashion labels. Creative directors of all famous brands loved him. He definitely didn't want to go back to modelling but every now and then he would do a guest appearance in some of the campaigns or sit in a front row of a fashion week show - he liked the beautiful clothes and he also liked making his fans happy by using this platform to promote openness and freedom to be whoever they want to be very often wearing gender fluid clothing that fashion brands offered.

It was all exciting and well deserved and ironic - majority of the songs that made that album, one of the best alternative rock albums of the year is inspired by William- his endless inspiration. Because of that fact he would end up crying in front of his friends, sometimes, when he would drink too much, and they hugged him, stayed with him, tried to make him smile or distract him.

He drinks less now but he still can't sleep and... Well the nightmares started. The ones with the face of his past - wrinkly face, cold hands smeared with paint and cruelty. And now. He is just numb.

Cocaine usually helps him. He hides it from them because he doesn't want them to worry, they already lost so much of their time and energy on him, and he doesn't deserve any of that. But it gets worse now, cocaine fucks him up - like he is on the edge of panic attack.

It should have lasted longer, he snorted enough to get him through the concert. The stage doesn't comfort him, it makes him more depressed. The stage is the place where Lennon sings all the songs he wrote about him. It all comes back when he sings them. And now when William is back in London, so close to him, when William touched his skin back in the tattoo shop, when William looked like the sun when he smiled... When William is getting married and once and for all is out of Lennon's life. Then it gets even harder to sing all the songs on a stage.

He steps into the center of the stage, noise ear-shattering. The clicking of Sam's drum sticks in the back. He swallows thickly. Thousands of souls in front of his aching one. Scared, sad, hopeless, lost soul.

He sings.

He is on an auto pilot, one song fades into the next. It's a blur. Until he sees William's face in the crowd.

He must be imagining it at this point. It's the drugs, he got it bad. It hits him then, he wants to sing him that song. If William really is here, Lennon wants to sing it to him, remind him of it. He motions to his acoustic guitar and one of the roadies hurriedly gives it to him. Nate and Jorja exchange questioning looks but Lennon walks back to his microphone and is searching for William's face in the crowd again. He can't see him anymore. He could be there, he is the head of the record label.

The crowd cheers, they are impatient for him to start. Lennon is looking at that same spot, he has no choice but to sing. He shakily begins, his fingers trembling. His face is completely unguarded, features soft when he sings that one song that he wrote on the night that William left. It's the first time, he has never performed it live. Every once and a while his hands would move from the guitar strings, fingers drawing shapes into the air and lightly gliding up to the microphone. The music strips every barrier, every carefully constructed wall he usually likes to hide behind, until it's just him, delicate and vulnerable and achingly lovely.

He sees William again. Then his voice cracks at the last word, realising his face is wet with tears. He blinks into the bright stage lights a few times, looking dazed and disoriented.

The applause and roars that follow is deafening. He clutches the microphone tightly and utters a quiet _Thank you_ before he hastily leaves the stage and rushes back into his dressing room.

*

When he gets out of bed the next day he feels like he got run over by a bus, which makes sense since he only fell asleep around 7 in the morning when he finally swallowed sleeping pills.

He knows he fucked up last night, he left the stage crying before the set was even finished. Manager and the rest of the band found him in the dressing room, rummaging through his stuff, trying to find another fix.

He couldn't find any. Fuck.

They talked about it, not mentioning that he is desperate for some uppers, or downers - not picky, he told them he is sorry and that it won't happen again. Jorja and Sam took him home afterwards even though he really wanted to be alone. He was actually planning on calling Tinie in order to pick up something that will make him better.

He leaves his bedroom after he puts some clothes on and walks towards the kitchen. Jorja is there, eating cereal. Even though they all own their own houses and flats they are still so close that they hang around each other places often, coming in and going out without question unless someone specifically says that they're having a hook up or a family member over. But Lennon never invites his hook ups to his home anyway, even before, when he actually did hook up. And Lennon doesn't have a family.

Walking over the sunshine draped across the tiles of his kitchen floor, he sits down on a high chair, burying his face in his hands. For some reason he feels like he is about to cry, like everything he has been bottling up is just going to overflow any second. She is silent for what feels like eternity, but he can feel her eyes on him. Then she sinks down onto the chair next to him.

\- Lennon, talk to me. I love you. You know that, right?

\- I fucked up last night, I'm sorry. I'm ...

\- No, no...don't say that. I know that song was ... Anyway. I think... _We_ actually, Sam and Nate, we think that you should talk to somebody about it. - she says and Lennon raises his head a little, he finds her studying him with an expression that's sympathetic, caring.

\- What?

\- We were thinking therapy would be good for you. It's ...we don't know how to... we are here for you,Len, we've been with you for the whole year almost and it seems we can't help you, we don't know how, you're just constantly... sad.

\- I'm fine. - he is emotionless.

\- Yeah you're fine for a week or two, and when we're spending time together but... you're not fine. I mean, I thought you were doing better, but after that fucking Hamilton-Smith came back into our lives...

\- I don't care about him anymore Jorja, I'm over him, he's just...- Jorja is still watching him while he's absentmindedly brushing a finger over the tattoos on his arm.

\- Don't lie to me. You are seeing him again? I saw it online, it was ...

\- It wasn't like that. He was just being friendly because we have to work together. It's nothing else. - he runs a hand over his tired eyes. He doesn't want to tell her that there's no way she can understand everything that's happening.

\- I just want to help you, this ... heartbreak, it's more than that. It's deeper than just heartbreak. You have to talk to someone who can understand it better and guide you and...

\- I need some coffee. - Lennon doesn't look at her. He gets up and feels strung out and shaky and he is already craving the next fix.

\- Lennon, we have another show tonight. You sure you'll be ok?

\- Yes Jorja. I will be ok, I'm sorry for last night. I know Rick must be livid.

\- He was but he's fine now, he is also worried about you and asked if he should talk to, you know...Hamilton-Smith, about cancelling some of our shows if you're not in a state to perform... - a lump forms in his throat immediately.

\- Did he see it? The gig last night? - Lennon asks while he stands at the kitchen door ready to leave.

\- I don't know. Maybe... It's all over the internet today. You sang that song for the first time and you sounded pretty amazing and then you cried so fans are all over it, commenting, speculating who it is about and shit. - he definitely saw it, Lennon thinks. He needs to get some ...

\- Coffee. I need to get some coffee. See you later tonight, Jo. - he is grabbing his keys and a wallet on the way to the door.

\- Lennon, mate, you have a bloody coffee machine right here! - he can hear her shout from the kitchen.

\- I really crave a Starbucks actually.

*

Hours later he finds himself in the back of a car and on the way to the concert venue.

He is tired.

He closes his eyes, but it doesn't help.

Nothing helps.

Sam called him during the day to tell him they will pick him up and go together to soundcheck but Lennon said he was busy and that he will come straight to the venue. He met Tinie and did a couple of lines at his place. Then he sold him some more for later.

When he gets back home, Jorja and Sam are long gone, he almost feels like everything is ok, like he is ok. He will shower and change and go. His impressive five-bedroom ground floor house in Richmond overlooking the river Thames is too big and feels cold and empty so he decides to play some loud music while getting ready. A distraction from his evil, depressing thoughts.

Loud rock is blasting in all rooms from his sound system, he leaves the shower, and reaches for the phone to reply to the messages that are constantly coming. There is Jorja's, and Nate's and his manager's, and a few from journalists he privately knows, asking for a comment and... there is a message from William.

His thumb is moving over it but not pressing it yet. His mind is clouded like the bathroom from the hot shower. He opens the message.

William: Hi, I just wanted to make sure you're alright after yesterday's show. Let me know if the label can do anything, we will fully support you. William.

He wipes the foggy mirror with his hand and stares at the reflection. Tries to recognize himself. The only time he remembers being himself was when he had William's hands wrapped around him while they were moving in sync, on white bed sheets, his blue eyes loving every part of him.

White everywhere. And blue. So blue. Now everything is black and red. 

Red?

Fuck.

His nose is bleeding. All the coke he's been sniffing is slowly destroying his nostrils. He wipes it off quickly and then he starts laughing at himself hysterically. What a joke he is.

What a fucking cliche.

All of a sudden his eyes open when the car rocks to a stop. He's fallen asleep, his head resting against the window. He barely slept 3 hours that morning, even though he took sleeping pills. They don't help anymore.

Nothing helps.

Driver opens the back door, and his bodyguard comes from the front of the car. He takes a deep breath before he gets out. He meets everyone backstage and they're pissed.

\- What the fuck, Lennon?? Where have you been? - Nate shouts while the man from the crew is fixing his in-ear underneath his shirt.

\- Lennon? You look a bit pale. You feeling ok? - Jorja asks from somewhere. There's so many people here, everyone is running, talking over each other, someone drags him along, towards the dressing table.

\- Come on. - someone says impatiently, grabbing his hand. - I need to fix your hair. - it's their stylist, he recognized her voice.

\- You need to fix his fucked up brain instead.

Lennon hears Nate in the background. It doesn't hurt, he most definitely agrees with what Nate says.

\- Shut the fuck up, Nathan!

That is Jorja, and Lennon wants to turn around and leave. He is causing this.

Everything is too loud and too crowded.

\- He's late. And we're late. This is Wembley Arena and there are 14 thousand people out there who paid money to... - his voice fades away.

\- We were worried, that's what Nate is trying to say, right Nate?

That is Sam, his voice comes from somewhere. Sam gently kisses his cheek after he leans on the edge of Lennon's dressing table. The kiss makes him disoriented and more confused.

\- I'm sorry, Sam. - it's barely a whisper.

He tries to control his breathing. Somebody puts his in-ear monitor on him.

The concert. He has to sing. But how will he manage? William will be watching him again, he will fuck up again, why is he so pathetic? This is what fucked up childhood does to you eventually. He never stood a chance.

Why did William message him?

Time to snap out of this.

\- Let me go. I need to go for a piss. - his voice is smaller than he expected it to be while he is trying to push the technician from him.

\- Seriously? Lennon, love, we need to go to the stage in, like, now.

He freezes at Jorjas soft spoken voice, his body tensing automatically, he hates himself for disappointing them.

\- Just for a minute, alright? I'll come back. I promise.

He doesn't look her in the eyes, runs towards the toilets, he knows the venue so it's easy to find. Luckily no one else is in there, his own breathing the only sound besides muffled music. He has to hurry up.

The little plastic bag is in his pocket and his fingers are digging for it. There's more than usual, he thinks, for a moment he debates if he should save some for after the gig but he quickly dismisses that thought, he dumps all of it on the top of the sink.

He takes his wallet and fishes out the credit card quickly and uses it to cut two lines, then he rolls a 20 pound bill. He takes a deep breath, glancing over his shoulder once again.

He snorts both of the lines in a second and it's bliss.

Deep inhale.

He braces his hands on the sink and stares at himself in the mirror. Eyes fluttering shut, heart racing.

A smile on his lips.

Nothing can hurt him now. Untouchable. Alive. The banging sound on the door makes him open his eyes and slowly turn around. Someone is calling his name and he rubs his nose to remove the excess powder from it. Then he clumsily picks up all the stuff and exits the toilet but the world on the other side of the door is like a dream.

He is walking on air. The air is hot and stuffy but goose-bumps are flying across his skin. One step, two steps.

Voices.

Fear. Why is he not fearless?

Last thing he sees before everything goes black is

blue.


	29. Fine line

William POV 

Driving to the hospital is definitely the easy part. There isn't much traffic today. Maybe it's because William is speeding.

He came to the office this morning, oblivious, with a cup of tea in his hand, ready to talk to his father about moving the wedding date. He did promise it to Nina. Just when he was sitting down and picked up the phone to call his dad Micah entered the office and told him the news about Lennon Lewis being rushed to the hospital last night, concert cancelled and suspected overdose. Tea spilled all over the papers on the desk was long forgotten as he was already running through the door.

Is this really happening? He can hardly comprehend it.

Is he dying? Shock grips him. Numbness like he never experienced spreads through his body. Lennon has so much left to go, so many places he has to explore, moments to live. He is too young, too promising. Now when William has him back in his life again, by mere twist of fate, even though only as a client he still feels like he can lose so much more.

He wanders down the memory lane torturing himself with bittersweet memories. He can't lose him. He feels guilty for some reason. If he made a different choice back then, if he chose him would this still have happened?

*

It is easy to find out the floor where Lennon is. Everyone knows Lennon Lewis. Soon enough he finds himself in the hallway where he's been told his room is, approached by Jorja and their manager. If someone recognised him, they didn't acknowledge it.

\- What are you doing here? - Jorja is the first to talk to him.

\- How is he? What happened? - the uncertainty is driving him mad.

\- You shouldn't be here. This is all y.... Hmm... You know what? I can't. I don't have the energy anymore. Just stay away.

\- William. She's... - Rick, their manager appears behind Jorja, holding her tense shoulders and then letting her go. She disappears somewhere. - She is just upset and stressed. As you understand. All of us are. Lennon is okay, thank god. He s resting. - he breathes out in relief. - They pumped his stomach last night and ... It was bad, but not life threatening. He can actually go home this evening after they run some more tests but he will have a house nurse for the next few days. I was just about to call you about the concerts, we're not sure if Lennon will be capable of performing.

\- He's not. We're cancelling the shows. I will manage all of that, later, we will arrange other dates. All he has to do is recover now.

\- Thank you for that. You didn't have to come all the way here, you must be busy...

\- Oh no. It's .... Fine. I came as soon as I heard. - he didn't even think if his coming here would raise any eyebrows, if people other than Lennon's band members know something or suspect. Maybe they wll just add it to their alleged new bromance that started at the tattoo parlour. - Can I see Lennon? Is it ok if I see him?

\- Yeah, I'm sure he wouldn't mind, he is awake, Sam is inside with him, Nate went to get him some change of clothes.

He gives a nod to two security guys in front of the door and knocks and that knock is one of the hardest things he has to do in his life. When he steps through the door, William is holding his breath, he really didn't think this through. Glancing in the direction of the bed within the room first he sees Sam, sitting on the bed with his back against the headboard. And then he finds Lennon resting, eyes closed, his pale face on Sam's lap. He is gently brushing Lennon's messy bed hair with his left hand and holding a book in his right hand.

William's chest tightens.

Did something change between two friends?

Few moments pass in silence and only then Lennon's tired eyes open and finally rest on William, widening considerably. They don't move from their position and William feels awkward just standing there, like he doesn't belong, like he's interrupting something intimate between two of them. He puts hands in his pockets and tries to look everywhere but at Sam's hand in Lennon's hair.

\- Hello. - is all he manages to say.

Sam looks at him with an unreadable expression on his face, then looks down on Lennon then at his book. He sighs, placing his book on the bedside table and then he slowly leans in to whisper something in Lennon's ear that William can't hear. He hates how Sam's lips brush Lennon's earlobe while he whispers but tries to ignore it. Lennon nods at whatever Sam asked him and he kisses Lennon's temple. William looks away after this, it's too much.

\- I'll be just outside if you need me. - the blond says and gets up from the bed. William moves carefully so Sam can leave through the door, and Lennon props himself against the headboard with the pillow behind his head staring at William for a long time.

\- How are you feeling, Lennon? I came as soon as I heard. - William finally manages to ask.

Finally he can see him properly. He is a mess but still a masterpiece. With dark circles under his tired eyes, a thin layer of stubble across his jaw he still is the most beautiful young man he has ever seen. How lucky he is just to be in his presence?

\- Sorry about the cancelled concert. It must have been a big loss. I will be ready for Wednesday's show, don't worry. - his voice lack any trace of emotion.

\- What? No, no. Lennon, I don't care about the concert, it's... That is already being taken care of, we'll move the dates for the end of the year. You need to recover.

\- I'm fine. - he isn't looking at William when he says it.

\- No, you're not! Lennon, what happened? How did you... is it true? That you ...

\- Overdosed? Yep. Now fuck off. I don't need your sympathy. - and there it is, his fury.

William opens his mouth to respond when Lennon cuts him off before he can say anything. - You see, I really don't know what is the problem, it's certainly not your problem. Just another pathetic rock star that ended up on drugs, nobody cares.

\- Don't be like that. What are you even saying? So many people care about you, Lennon. You have to realise this. You're not just some random rockstar junkie. You're smart. You're special. You... - desperation finds him. Lennon turns towards him now and the viciousness that his eyes contain make William's blood run cold. He gets up from the bed and walks until he is standing in front of William.

\- Is that your professional opinion of your client or...? - his jaw clenches as he studies William's face.

\- Lennon, you can believe whatever you want but I do want to help you. If you have a drug problem, or whatever else, you can come to me. I... I know you hate me, and we have some fucked up history but... this ... seeing you here in this bed, you ... You lost weight a bit and I didn't even notice when we were in the tattoo parlour. Why didn't I notice? - somehow he manages to say all this, mind wandering and going back to past few days trying to remember if there were any signs that he missed. Lennon's eyes capture his, making him paralysed.

\- It's not yours to notice. It's never been. Don't beat yourself too much about it, William. - feeling his heartbeat rise he stares down at his feet. He can't handle the intensity of Lennon's eyes.

\- When did you start using? You were high that one night when we... when I picked you up from _Fabric._ Was it all along? Since before I met you? - William needs to know.

Heart is slaming against his ribcage and he thinks that Lennon can hear it, he is standing really close.

\- No. That was just for fun, I... I would only take it sometimes. When I was younger I did use a lot, at parties, but...- Lennon's voice starts trembling, words stumbling. - I never... this is...it started last year or, a few months ago. 

A year. William can't ignore the fact that there's been a year since Lennon broke his heart. Or did he break Lennon's?

\- Cocaine? - William's question is dry on his lips. Shit. He cares so much about this man.

\- Yes. - Lennon answers and there is sadness in his voice. - And sleeping pills.

\- Lennon...

\- Don't. - he cuts him off.- I'm fine. It was an accident. I didn't sleep for days and I just took more than I usually do. I forgot about it and took coke also.

Shit. Shit. This is bad. Why is he hurting so much? Jorja warned him that Lennon was struggling after William left for New York, but... Can the reason be...

William tentatively reaches his hand up and lays his palm against his pale cheek. Lennon smacks his hand away with urgency, a storm in his eyes.

\- Don't touch me. - Lennon says angrily and William drops his hand and pushes away from him.

\- I'm sorry. I ... please let me help. I know a really good rehab center, they are discrete and professional...

\- No. - he can hear Lennon talking through his teeth, he is moving towards William now.

\- ... I will make a phone call today. We will ...

\- Shut up. Shut. Up!

\- ... Lennon, this is serious. Sleeping pills and cocaine, it might be an accident now but you'll be going through withdrawal soon and you'll need someone to help you and..

\- I don't need _your_ help.

\- Trust me, please... - and then there is a punch on his face and William gasps, stumbling back.

He hits the wall behind him that he isn't aware is there. He didn't see that fist coming, at all. Lennon looks as confused as William, his hands shake and eyes fill with tears. His eyelids flutter, like he can't believe he just did that.

\- William, I'm s-so sorry, I... 

He chokes, but William doesn't speak and doesn't move, he just stares at Lennon for a long time. There's no fear, there's not much pain in his jaw, actually he feels more pain when he sees Lennon's red rimmed eyes that are staring back at him.

And then there are hands wrapped around his neck. And those hands aren't there to hurt him. They are so familiar, so inspiring. He gasps for breath, the rush of memories, Lennon is impossibly close, his breath against William's lips.

Lennon slams his lips against William's, moves against him immediately, pressing him against the wall. His own hands find Lennon's waist and he draws him closer, until their hips are pressed together. Lennon kisses him deeply. His tongue furiously invading into William's mouth. God, this feels right. This feels more right than anything he's known, like this is what he should be doing all the time.

Kissing him. Kissing Lennon.

Skin is burning where Lennon holds him around the neck. It's like he is coming alive, it's like he's been in a coma this whole time and his mouth is bringing him back to life.

The door suddenly opens and Lennon jerks away from him, breathing like he just ran a marathon. William ignores the possession that runs through his veins as he releases him and now he is left in midair, empty, and nowhere near being done. They both look in the direction of the door and there is a woman in a white coat standing. She probably knocked before entering but William didn't hear a thing. She gazes across to him as she walks in.

\- I'm sorry... For interrupting. Mr. Lewis needs to rest now. And I have to give him IV so I will have to ask you to leave please.

Breathless he nods and knows he has to leave. He aches to reach for Lennon, to wrap his arms around his waist again. He never expected him to punch him but he definitely didn't expect him to kiss him like that either and he can feel his own mind short circuit - because he doesn't remember the last time he felt like that before. Maybe last year in the room 507 of Four Seasons.

Lennon turns back to him, his eyes shift between William's, completely vulnerable. William bites his lip, not daring to speak, to shout words building in his chest. He clears his throat, a flush in his cheeks spreads as he slowly walks over to the door.

One more time he glances over his shoulder at Lennon. He sniffs as he stands shakily, staring at William. He looks lost. The doctor closes the door impatiently.

Outside in the hallway there are Nate and Sam and Jorja and probably someone else but he just runs to the lift, holding his bruised jaw. He doesn't want anybody questioning him about it and finding out it was Lennon. His whole world is shaken when he sees dozens of journalists and paparazzis in front of the hospital door as he opens the door. Somehow he manages to hide behind a group of people and leave unnoticed. Only when he is in the car he realizes his limbs are trembling, hands gripping steering wheel like his entire world depends on it. Regret settles in the pit of his stomach as thunder cracks overhead. Who did he become? Rain starts falling, heavy and drenching and he doesn't know how long he is sitting there, all he sees is Lennon's scared face.

He hates the ride back to the office and the rain trashing down on top of the roof gives him chills because he realizes that he is leaving him again.


	30. No I in threesome

Lennon POV

\- I'm going crazy, let's go out.

\- No Len, I'm not letting you go to Matty Sinclair's party a week after you overdosed. - Jorja is arranging her letters on a green Scrabble board on Lennon's sofa.

\- You've got to stop saying word overdose Jorja. Fucking hell. It wasn't that bad. They let me go the next day.

\- You collapsed just before entering the stage. You were unconscious and the medics carried you out on stretches. I thought you were dying, Lennon Lewis. - there is a beat of silence, only disturbed by Jorja's sharp intake of breath.

\- Fuck, come here. - Lennon's arms are squeezing her tightly, he is burying his face in her hair, inhaling the scent of home, clinging to her. - I still can't believe I did this to you. Please, all I need you to know is that is not your fault, Jo, I hid it from you, there's really no way you could have known. I'm sorry. I am the shittiest friend in the world and I don't deserve you.

\- No, you're the best friend and I love you, and I hope you learn to love yourself too and realise someone rejecting you doesn't mean you have to reject yourself. I hope you learn to let go of the things not meant for you.

\- Yes, I will try. And I love you too.

\- How are you feeling now?

Lennon doesn't know how to answer that question. His instinct answer is fine but he knows that he is not fine. He spent most of the days in his bed, taking naps during the day because he couldn't sleep at nights. He has nightmares and then can't fall back asleep because his mind is itching for just one little pill. Then he would frantically go around the room, opening the drawers and checking pockets of his jeans. Jorja and Sam are usually always there in the house, often sleeping in his big king sized bed so eventually they would wake up and try to calm him down, make him tea or just switch the TV on and silently watch another documentary about serial killers on Netflix.

One night he even tried to escape the house but Nate caught him by the gate, pinning him down while Lennon was desperately trying to break away from his hold. His entire body was shaking, and he swore while Nate whispered _it's ok it's ok it's ok._

Nate is the one that doesn't leave his side. Nate feels guilty for not noticing something was wrong and for lashing out on Lennon on that night when it all happened. Lennon knows that he would never forgive himself if anything worse happened. They haven't really talked much about it, neither of them seems to know where to start. Liam calls him everyday too.

A lot of people send him messages and wish him speedy recovery.

Lennon hates when he comes across the article about him in the magazines or online. Or when one of them mentions the topic of rehab. Or when he gets a text from William.

He got five text messages from William, one every day since he came to visit him in the hospital. He remembers kissing him and that memory seems to numb the itch beneath his skin at least for a moment.

Guilt and frustration is written all over his face when he reads the messages, guilt because he is constantly reminded of the fact that he punched William in the face because he made him so fucking angry by offering help. And frustration because for whatever reason - he started kissing him.

So he needs to leave this room, this big house that feels like a prison, forget about William's lips, forget about messages in his phone that he wants to reply to but knows he shouldn't.

\- I'm becoming depressed here Jo, I... I feel much better physically, I am not throwing up anymore. I'm eating. But I have to get out. Please.

\- But to a party? And to a Matty's birthday party? Those can be vile. - Jorja hesitates, staring at Lennon, wondering what the hell she is supposed to do. This would either be the best or worst decision she'd made. She needs to trust him, and be there for him.

\- We'll only go for an hour. I won't leave your side. I want to meet up with Brian, he will be there.

\- Brian Reeves? - she is giving him a small smile, questioning smile.

Brian Reeves is an openly gay TV host and presenter that has been flirting with Lennon on more than one occasion in the past, sometimes even on air during their interviews but Lennon obviously didn't want anything to do with any man or woman after William, so he never responded to any of Brian's advances.

\- Yeah, he's been calling me, he was worried when he heard the news and we started talking in the last few days, I kind of... I want to see him. I want to start something new. Forget about William once and for all. Like you said, some things are just not meant to be and I need to let it go.

\- Oh babe...wait, so what did he say to you when he came to the hospital? I'm sorry but I'm still really angry when I think about how he led you on and made you this weak.

\- He... He was nice, trying to offer me help and rehab center but it fucking pissed me off because he had no right to do that so... I kissed him.

\- You what? - Jorja raised a brow.

\- Yeah, I punched him first and then I kissed him.

\- Oh my god?! Len, what the ... - she starts to laugh.

\- I didn't hit him hard! I mean, I think. I hope it's not, I feel bad about it, but he left me fuming, Jorja! And then I just.. I don't know what got into me, I just...

\- Decided to kiss it better?

\- Um... Anyway. I just want to forget about it. I need a distraction. We both know he will be here, in my life, somehow, he's with the label, and he's friends with Liam, and one way or another it's inevitable that the two of us meet. He's trying to be friends, he sends me messages asking if I'm ok. And fuck, Jo, I want to, like, be able to answer them and just not let it bother me, not let it make me angry or sad. So, yeah... I want to meet with Brian, or just meet people, talk to them... or fuck them.

\- Right.

\- You know what I mean. Just move on with my life. Without drugs this time. I promise.

\- I get it. I do. I'm just worried that it's too soon because I already feel guilty for not noticing before.

\- But it's not your fault. Don't ever think that. And you will be with me all the time so you can go all mother-hen on me. I want to show up and let the world know I'm doing ok, I don't want fans to be worried about our tour or something. I need people to see me being my normal self. I need this.

\- We'll only go for an hour. - her voice is firm.

\- An hour. Fine.

\- And I'm calling Nate and Sam to come with us.

\- Yeah, yeah, perfect.

\- And no alcohol.

\- Yes, mum. - Lennon's eyes are a mix of relief and gratefulness as he pulls Jorja by her wrist and drags her to his walk in wardrobe so they can get dressed for the party.

*

Smiling feels strange after weeks of not doing it. He is sober and in the car with Sam, Jorja and Nate on the way to Matty's birthday party at his house in Hampstead Heath.

There is a catchy tune playing and Nate is singing it out loud. He knows that things magically won't get easier. There's an itch beneath his skin still, it has simmered down but so much easier to ignore with all of them around. He realises that he has a problem but knows that he can rely on his friends. They got him, they're here to pick him up when he falls, no more secrets. He still can't understand why they treat him like he is something special because he knows the truth. He is nothing but a sad, lonely boy who goes through life filling voids that could never truly be filled. All the music, all of the drugs, all of the faceless bodies were there just to help him forget what a shitty life he had.

The neighbourhoods grow further apart until they enter a stretch of road with single houses built on full acres and set back from the main road by long driveways.

\- The next house on the right.

Lennon points out to where the driver should turn. He's been to Matty's place a couple of times before, but as their driver turns and steers them along the driveway the house is almost unrecognisable. The two-storey house made of red brick and white pillars is overflowing with people as dance music pours into the night. When they clamber out of the car, familiar faces from London jetset are climbing out of their Ubers. A group of girls gather by the glossy frontier of the big house, dressed in Dior, taking cigarettes out of their chainlink quilted bags and lighting up, their eyes trained on Lennon the minute he steps out. Shock and curiosity mixed with lust scream in their stares as their gazes follow them, whispering vigorously. Of course, he knows he is the newest talk of the town and he came right in the middle of it. He couldn't care less. Sometimes he feeds on gossip about him, attention and obsession, makes him feel like he matters, when he deeply knows he doesn't.

Fame gives him the illusion. Fame is something he equally hates and craves, since he was fifteen years old and put in front of the professional camera in that studio in Shoreditch, where he was told that his face will bring him everything he ever wanted. It brought him many things he didn't want too.

Inside, the room is very vast and filled up with young men and women who are all dressed to kill. The men are greeting each other with slaps on their backs, chatting and laughing and the women are sipping their drinks from tall glasses and flutes with sophistication that could only be achieved by wealth. Dressed in shimmering dresses from the latest runways, they are getting more and more drunk, twisting to the tunes of the catchy music. They are all magnificent like that, stroking each other's ego while the lights are turned down to dim intimate red colour.

He is sipping a cold fizzy energy drink that magically appears from a handsome young waiter in tight trousers. And a black bow tie, no shirt. Matty always goes extra.

Sam waves him from the bar on the opposite side of the room and raises the same type of drink in a silent toast, letting him know that he is the one who ordered the drink for him and also letting him know they are in this sobriety thing together. There is alcohol everywhere, the smell of weed in the air and he can see that familiar glassy eyed look in people passing by. He is doing ok. Nate squeezes his bicep, obviously aware as he is of the silent threats surrounding them.

\- Okay? - he asks in a way he has of making him feel as if everything will be fine as long as he stays by his side.

\- Yeah. - he nods. They both know he wasn't as okay as he would have liked, but it is the best he can do for now. A sense of intimidation and overwhelm is at the core of his insecurity.

\- Lennon? Lennon Lewis. What brings you out this evening? - he turns to see a predatory smile, sort of familiar, but not really. He might have fucked him a long time ago? He might be a part of the crew that tours with the band? He silently checks him out, to let him know that he could be interested.

\- Catching up with some friends- he says, remembering to smile. Nate takes the opportunity to slip away mouthing he'll be right back.

\- That outfit... damn. I thought you're... - the man doesn't finish the sentence clearly regretting his thoughts.- You look... good. - and then he touches Lennon's Gucci shirt, flashing him a sexy smile. Or was it pity.

\- Thanks. Certainly better than a hospital gown. - he jokes addressing the elephant in the room. He doesn't want anyone feeling sorry for him. That's the reason he came to the party in the first place, to let the world know he's doing just fine.

\- Umm... The Sun really treated you wrong, I mean those photos they published...

\- Please let's not talk about that, we're at a party, right?

\- We definitely are.

\- You enjoying it? - he says as he leans in close. The strong scent of his cologne hits him. He looks good, his hair artfully mussed, his body fit, pretty face.

\- I am now. - the man licks his lips, leaving him with the impression that if he asked him to go to one of Matty's rooms upstairs, he wouldn't be saying no. He needs this. If he can't get high he can at least fuck. He used to be good at that.

\- What about a party for two? - Lennon whispers, holding his gaze.

\- And what about a party for three? - right there, Brian shows up behind the man and puts his chin on his shoulder, sneaking a hand around his torso. He lightly bites the man's earlobe while looking straight into Lennon's eyes.

\- Brian.

\- Lennon. I see you met Lucian, my boyfriend. - Lennon nods. Fuck, that's why he is so familiar, he saw him with Brian a few times in the past, and he just hit on him. But it seems like Brian's boyfriend hit on him first so he will play along. - Yes. Cute little thing.

\- Glad you like him. Would you like a taste? - he seductively bites a place where Lucian's shoulder meets his neck and a tiny moan escapes his mouth.

Tempting. Definitely pretty. Brian smirks inviting him to play his game and Lennon leans in and opens his mouth kissing Lucian, without shame pushing his tongue right away. Another moan. Definitely delicious. It's not making him hard enough though. Can he do this sober? He has been in a few threesomes in the past and he loved it. He is not a selfish lover and also enjoys watching, but more than watching he loves being watched, being the narcissist that he is.

\- Mmm. This might be the sexiest thing I've ever seen. - Lennon hears Brian and breaks the kiss, gaze flicking toward him.

\- If we do this you'll definitely get enough sexy material for your spank bank. - he brings his thumb to his lips, whipping the wetness from the kiss away.

*

Jorja POV

After exchanging a few words with friends Jorja rushes to the bathroom. What she sees there is nothing she hasn't seen before, thin rails of coke on the bathroom sink and pretty people rolling banknotes with the queen's face on them. So she leaves them be.

It's always like this at Matty's house parties, that's why she was so reluctant to bring Lennon here. Her best friend used to be one of those people in the bathroom, she knows because she used to join them sometimes too but she knows that she can't hold him prisoner in his own home forever and is determined to keep him safe.

She decides to look for another bathroom on the second floor that she knows not a lot of people use, and afterwards she will join Nate, Sam and Lennon. Hopefully they will go home soon. She goes up the stairs and then turns left down the hallway, passing a few closed doors until she arrives at the second to last one near the end of the hall. Just after grabbing the door handle of the bathroom she realises that the door is already open and Matty's voice is heard, like a whisper but loud enough. He is not alone and she suspects that she is intruding some private conversation otherwise they wouldn't be whispering in the bathroom.

\- Matty, please, Lennon Lewis is downstairs, I just saw him. - Just as Jorja decides to leave, a familiar female voice stops her in tracks. And she remains there, eavesdropping.

\- I told you already, I'm not going ... I can't, I'm done.

\- But we made a deal last time.

\- Yeah that was last time. And I'm in a relationship now, I'm not going to seduce Lennon while my partner is right there in the room.

\- Oh now you're playing a saint, Matty, I know you better then that, you've done worse.

\- Nina, I love you, you know you're my BFF, sweetheart, but I'm done playing these games with you. I accepted your little game last year because I was bored and I was single and I had an opportunity to hook up with Lennon and hey, who wouldn't be up for a piece of that hot ass but ...

\- Matty..

\- ... but! Women, listen to me! He didn't even want to fuck last time. He blew me off, literally used me as a taxi driver and fucked off into the night leaving me and my blue balls there in the rain. So no, I'm not going to try to flirt or get inside his pants. Leave the guy alone Nina, don't know what more you want. You got yourself engaged to the gorgeous rich royal boy. I'm sure Lennon is no threat for you anymore.

Jorja widens her eyes in surprise and runs away from the door, forgetting where she is. This can't be true.

She is going down the stairs, her mind in chaos. All this time she thought William had a mission to mess with Lennon's feelings but that just might not be entirely true. She has to talk to Lennon about this, maybe together they can find all the pieces of the puzzle, maybe Lennon can confront Matty and Nina and they can tell him the truth about why Nina wanted Matty to seduce Lennon. Maybe he can talk to William and... and just as she lifts her head in the bottom of the stairway she sees Lennon kissing a man. And Brian Reeves is there watching.

She doesn't want to interrupt this. That is what Lennon came here for, a little bit of distraction in the form of Brian. She is debating whether she should interrupt this and upset Lennon even more, he is so mentally weak lately. He is suffering and she knows it, the reason definitely being William fucking Hamilton-Smith.

The same William, gorgeous rich royal boy, like Matty called him seconds ago, is there at the bar in the opposite corner of the big dark room and she only notices him because she was coming down the stairs and she had a clear view of the whole room.

She takes a turn to the bar.


	31. Can we kiss forever?

William POV 

\- So, how do you like Sinclair's party so far? -   
William turns around and there's Jorja Smith, all smug and fearless, dressed to kill and obviously on a mission.

There's not a chance this girl would talk to William just because she wanted to catch up with a friendly face. She clearly wants William out of Lennon's life which makes him respect her in a strange way, knowing that Lennon has someone like her in his life to stand up for him but also makes him jealous of her not knowing if there's something more between them and she's just trying to get rid of him. It's making him crazy.

\- Not a fan of the party as much as not a fan of Matty. - he brushes her off.

\- Can't say I have watched his latest movie to be honest.

\- Me neither. But I wasn't talking about his acting skills. - he continues talking because she is clearly into this small talk. Is Lennon here with her? He wouldn't be, he should be recovering.

\- So why are you at his house then?

\- My girlfriend... - he coughs awkwardly and then glances behind. - My fiancée, she's a friend of his, they are co-stars.

\- Aha, Nina, right. I remember Nina. The American sweetheart, perfect-girl-next-door Nina.

\- Can I help you with something Jorja? What is all this talk about Nina? You met her before, I'm sure you can ask for a selfie for your Instagram yourself.

\- Yeah no. I'm just thinking about how you two are still together, going strong and everything, getting married. Congratulations by the way. I guess. - he doesn't thank her because he feels there's more coming. And it's not like it was honest coming from her anyway.

\- I'm just wondering if cheating on her made your love even stronger? You know what they say, had a bit of a crisis in your relationship, then you met Lennon, had a bit of fun with the bad boy but then decided to ditch him because it was too much work to get out of the closet and ruin that perfect family name. It was a perfect little fun trip really, for you, before settling down.

\- It wasn't like that. It wasn't. You don't understand. You'll never...

\- You don't love her, William. Why are you getting married? - her voice is serious all of a sudden, all mocking is gone.

\- Not your damn business. Excuse me I have to get some fresh air.

\- Wait. Answer me this. Humor me. It's for research that I'm doing. - William rolls his eyes but turns around.

\- If it is the last day on Earth, Armageddon and all that shit, and you have to spend it with either Nina or Lennon, who would it be? But it's only the two of them, and you have to choose only one. Be honest. I won't tell anyone. - she winks. William sighs and pinches the skin between his brows, done with this confusing conversation, done with Jorja making him the bad guy in this story, again, when Lennon is just as guilty.

And then he sees him.

Just as a group of people moves from the middle of the room and reveals a dark corner where Lennon is. Not dark enough.   
Lennon is sitting on a window sill kissing a man who is standing in between his spread legs. He is not doing much, just sitting there, not paying much attention to the man who is in front of him. The man is trying to touch him wherever he can or kiss him on the lips when Lennon is not talking to another man who is standing next to them, close. They are all too close, the other man is laughing loudly at something Lennon said. And there's that lazy curl of Lennon's mouth, predatory, like a lion sitting on his throne, so damn confident. _Why was I even worried about him, he's doing just fine._ The whole week he was patiently waiting for Lennon to reply to his messages, so he can arrange for them to meet and talk. Finally talk about what the fuck went wrong that left him so broken. _He_ _is_ _doing just fine._

 _-_ I would spend it with someone who would like to spend it with me. And out of those two, believe me Lennon is not the one who wants that. - he points with his head in Lennon's direction and Jorja follows his gaze. She shakes her head and bursts laughing.

\- You're funny, really. You find that upsetting? How dare you blame him for trying to forget you with someone else after you ran away to New York without a word? After he gave you a song, a love song by the way. Poured his heart out like never before. How can you hear a confession like that and not even acknowledge him with a reply. I've never seen him like that really, he was so much that night, so smitten, so hopeful. He spent the whole night on that piano and he hasn't played the piano since he was little.

\- What are you talking about Jorja? What song?

\- Maybe you should ask your dearest fiancée.  
  
*

His head is spinning while he is trying to understand. He wishes he didn't drink tonight although that was the most logical thing to do after Nina persuaded him to come with her to this dreadful party.

Nina. The way she smiles like she cares, the simple life she promises, the lies she tells.

Does she lie? Is there something she knows about that song Jorja talks about? Where the fuck is she now? He glances around, surveying the crowd.

Finally there is Nina with the group of people that she regularly hangs out. Matty Sinclair is sticking his tongue into some bloke's mouth not paying attention to anyone, some others are saying hello to William as he approaches but he doesn't hear anything, only focusing on Nina. He grabs her by her arm and tugs her toward the kitchen, her look of triumph becomes a look of panic. Curious stares slide their way but he couldn't care less, half of these people are so drunk and high they won't even remember this. There's people in the kitchen too but he doesn't care.

\- What are you doing? Oh my god, you ruined my dress, I spilled my drink all over myself!

\- I don't give a fuck about your stupid dress. - he growls through his teeth like a beast in the night.

\- William? W-What... What is wrong with you?

\- There... There is a song. A song that's supposed to be given to me. - there is pounding in his temples like the truth that he is persistent on denying is demanding to be let in.

\- A song?

\- And you know something about that, don't you?

\- I'm not sure I follow honey, are you ok?

\- Damn it, Nina! Remember last year when Lennon and I ... - the rage is getting the best of him. He needs to breathe. - When we... he tried to contact me. That night at the party...just before we went back to New York?

\- What is this about? Are you seriously going to talk about _him_ now?

\- Just answer me. Did he try to contact me or anything else? Call, come look for me, drop something off at the house?

\- What?! No! He called you that time in the car, remember, and I put him to his place!

\- Stop lying. Why are you insisting on pushing the wedding date as soon as you heard I'm working with him?

\- He's not the reason for me wanting to marry you sooner, baby. I-I love you. - she is leaning in, filling his head with that repugnant _Dior J'Adore_.

\- And you hate him just as much. I wanted to break up with you because of him and you couldn't handle it. So you did something to push me away from him, didn't you?

\- No, no. We were happy! I forgave you, so we could be happy. You were confused. That is in the past. We moved on.

\- Yeah, I was confused. About you. He was pretty much constantly on my mind and that made me realize that you and I are done, that there were no more feelings there.

\- William, stop it. We can't do this here. People will hear. - her gaze flickers over William's shoulder to the few people mingling in the kitchen behind them.

\- No! Fuck them. - she is trying to wiggle her way out of his embrace but he is caging her between his strong body and a kitchen counter. - We're doing this here, tell me if there is something that you didn't tell me then. You hid something from me before we left London.

\- I'm...No. I don't know what you're talking about.

\- I know you're lying to me.

\- N-no. No.

\- Fine. Lennon is here and I'm going to find him right now and the three of us will piece the puzzle of this mess together.

\- Fine! Yes! I did it. - William's eyes grow in surprise as she admits. - He came to the house the day after the party. He left an envelope, I don't know, Charlotte talked to him, I was... I made her get rid of it. I couldn't let you see it, it was probably something pathetic that would make you stay in London, and I... I couldn't stand it, couldn't stand losing you, I did it to save our relationship. I was scared I... - he physically can't stand being this close to her anymore or listen to her lying voice. - William? I'm sorry. Baby, talk to me.  
  
*

His face is red as he stumbles out of the back door. He doesn't understand what he is meant to do now. Is he supposed to just go home and forget what Jorja said, what Nina confirmed? He is aimlessly walking outside, he sees a large empty in-ground swimming pool in the darkness of the massive, breathtaking garden, lavish outdoor furniture around it, rows of trees and bushes shielding it from the house. It's probably emptied so it can be thoroughly cleaned for the summer that's almost here. And there's Lennon sitting in the middle of the pool cross legged. Cigarette in his hand.

\- What are you doing?

Lennon's head snaps up. He looks up at him for what feels like hours. Shadows of the night surround him, cigarette smoke everywhere like he is drowning in it.

\- That day after the Radio One Annual Gala... I know you came to my sisters house. - William finally says.

\- Well, it was a mistake. - Lennon looks down.

\- I didn't know. - William whispers into the night. - I didn't know.  
  
  


William runs a hand over his face. He goes around the edge of the pool and descends the blue tiled stairs.

\- I'm not sure how it happened, I'm so confused, Nina was apparently hiding it from me, the song... there's a song? I didn't know there was a song. About me?

\- There's a lot of fucking songs that I wrote about you.

\- I... I didn't know you felt that way. Then. I thought...

Lennon's eyes flash under the light that comes from somewhere in the garden.

\- Does it matter? It wouldn't matter anyway, you didn't feel the same.

\- What? We talked in that restroom, we... - William's mind is racing. - I was honest! I meant that... I...

\- Fuck you. Fuck you, William and your honesty. You said you would break up with her and come back for me! Take me to New York. You said we would make it work. You promised. And then, puff - Lennon is waving manically with his hands in the air. - You're gone without a word. Running after her. Never turning back. Not a text not a call. Gone across the ocean without even a _fuck off Lennon. Fuck of might be too kind._ \- Lennon smiles to him self as he digresses, his mind is frenzied, William can see it in his wild eyes, as he starts singing quietly, to himself, almost humming. - _And to tear apart the ties that bind perhaps fuck of might be too kind,_ great song by the way, wish I wrote that one.

-But I saw you with him. With fucking Matty Sinclair, you left the party with him.

\- What? What are you talking about? - Lennon throws his cigarette butt away into the corner of the pool.

\- Lennon, I thought you're not going to... that you didn't mean it. That you didn't mean it like I meant it. When I saw you getting in his car and ...

\- You thought I was fucking Matty that night? - he snaps. Something dark falling over his entire face and posture. William doesn't say anything.

\- Wow. Thanks for all the trust. So basically even if I got to talk to you the next day, even if you did hear my pathetic declaration of love it wouldn't matter anyway because you would still think I'm a fucking slut so hungry for cock that I would go fuck Matty right after I fucked you.

\- Lennon...

\- No no, I get it. - he shakes his head. - I was never meant to be trusted. I'm just a miserable excuse of a person who thought for a second that this was something real, that someone could... fuck. - he whispers as he gets up and starts walking away, but it's loud enough for William to hear.

\- Lennon, stop. I'm sorry. Ok? I was just so fucking confused. My life was a chaos and you, you were... you were everything. You became so important in such a short time and, and I felt overwhelmed. I guess it was a defense mechanism, I was pushing you away because I was afraid that you would hurt me, that, that I will give up everything I am, everything I'm supposed to be, for you. And I wasn't sure you... - Lennon walks back to take the packet of cigarettes from the spot where he was sitting before. He just stands there, his back to William. William wants to reach out.

\- I was so fucking scared. I never felt like that before and I didn't know what to do with it. I apologize. For thinking that you were sleeping around. For assuming shit. For being a coward. For just leaving without a word. - Lennon turns around his eyes red, cheeks wet.

\- I hate you so much. - Lennon whispers and William's heart pounds in his chest like it's on his way out. He didn't know. He touches Lennon's face and he looks at him like he doesn't know what is happening.

\- I hate myself for hurting you. For making you cry. Please, don't cry. Please. - he cradles his head with his forefingers and sweeps his jaw with his thumbs, then wipes his tears, gently, skin so soft and warm. And then William leans, kisses his lips, carefully, just presses enough to taste the salt, and the sadness, and the truth. Lennon blinks a few times like he is just waking up, and melts into William, his hands go around Lennon's middle and they stay like that, quiet, holding each other, and it feels like hope. Or saying goodbye.

\- I don't actually hate you. - Lennon tells him, murmuring it into his neck with a sniffle.

\- I know. I know now. - he whispers, and he plants a small kiss just under his ear. He tries not to breathe in the scent of the shampoo he wore or run his hands down his back.


	32. Swimming pools

Lennon POV 

Lennon is sitting on the bottom of the empty pool, William is right there across from him, they somehow just stumbled down from their embrace. William looks like he shouldn't be there, sitting on the dirty floor across from a fucked up junkie. He always has an air of sophistication and polish around him even when he tries so hard to escape it. That's why William wearing a clean cut suit, bossing around in that office - it's really not a bad look on him. At all. There he belongs. But he sits here now, legs tangled with Lennon's and they look good together in the way contrasting people and things sometimes do.

Lennon licks his lips - wet and hot, from tears and a kiss observing their differences and contrasts and it's always been like this, the good and the bad at the same time, happiness and sadness. Tears and smiles. Hope and despair. It's ridiculous how much his heart was thrilled at hearing his words even as his head tries to remember that words sometimes mean nothing at all.

\- I didn't expect to see you out in the public so soon after what happened. - William asks after a few minutes of silence.

\- I needed to get out of my house. - Lennon closes his eyes, trying to comprehend how did he end up sitting here with William. He was trying to escape the noise from the house and Brian and Lucian were pretty persistent on the threesome. He told them he will only go out for a cigarette and that he will come back and find them so they can continue, but that was such a stupid thing to say, he could clearly smoke inside the house, loads of people did, nobody cares in this place. Then he ended up here. And William showed up.

\- You didn't reply to any of my messages.

\- I felt like it wasn't a good idea. I hated your messages. - he shrugs it off. - And it's not like we're friends.

\- I figured. But I want to be your friend. - Lennon takes a cigarette and a lighter from the cold tiled floor. He fumbles with it for a bit, looking at William's legs intertwined with his. He rarely smoked, these are Nate's cigarettes.

\- At the tattoo shop I realised how much I like being in your presence. But also I realized I can't be your friend. - he touches over his shirt, the place where his bee tattoo is. Silly representation of his addiction to honey. Favourite taste. William's taste.

\- But I want to be there for you. I was so fucking worried after I found out what happened at the concert. I can't stand you thinking you don't deserve people being there for you.

\- If you knew half of the story you probably wouldn't be saying that.

\- So tell me. - the volume of his voice raises and his eyebrows knit. - Like I said, I want to be your friend, if you want me to. I can't imagine not being in your life.

\- So you'll marry her? - his heart starts to pound, he feels like he's breaking. Again. How many times can William Hamilton-Smith break his heart? - And as your friend you'll invite me to your wedding, right? - William looks stunned.

Fuck. It's happening again? The rejection. This conversation doesn't mean anything. They are constantly going in circles. He's not ever going to dare to be with someone like Lennon. It would be the best if he just leaves now before William says what he actually means - that he has to get married but they can be friends. _Just leave Lennon, save yourself another embarrassment_ , he thinks.

He is standing up and turning around to leave, he doesn't know how but William is right behind him and grabs his shirt but Lennon is pushing him away. He really has to run away but in the next moment it seems like he is pushing William, and he is stronger than Lennon - not much but broader shoulders and spending a lot of more time in the gym then Lennon is makes a difference. Not with the surge of anger that gives Lennon a momentary advantage. He moves into his space and pushes him all the way back to the wall of the swimming pool in the darkest corner. And he shouldn't. He really fucking shouldn't. William's gaze drops to the fingertips Lennon lets drifting lightly over the hem of his t-shirt. And he's ripping at the seams.

\- Lennon...

His name on William's lips, voice so thick, like how it was in the bed of that hotel room. A muscle in his jaw twitches. When Lennon dips his fingers behind the cotton, he runs his knuckles over the hot skin of his abdomen, hard lines, smooth ridges. He still kept himself in wicked shape. He can feel him shiver beneath his touch. William sucks in a sharp breath when Lennon pulls his hand out. And then William furrows his eyebrows, his throat moves in a rough swallow when Lennon pushes his hips into his.

\- See this? - he presses his crotch against William's, the soft moan that rumbles in his chest goes straight to his cock. - This is why I can't ever be your fucking friend. - Lennon's dark voice says and it's like a knife cutting through William's chest.

\- I want more. I'll always want more. - Lennon skimps the tip of his nose alongside William's.

\- Fuck. - William mutters and presses closer, his breath hot on his cheek, his hard dick rubbing against Lennon's. Lennon wants to touch it unclothed, the way he had in his hotel room, in that pleasure paradise of silky white sheets and hungry lips. Wants to make him moan like he had that time. His back arches and Lennon just keeps coming at him, keeps thrusting against him as William's panting breaths wash over his face. The shadows of his eyes almost hollow in the dim light.

William fingers move tentatively over Lennon's back and then clutch his hips, slowly it undos him. No matter how hard he tries to stop it. And before he can even think it through Lennon's lips crash against his. William exhales a little sigh that eats into his bones. His lips part and a thousand memories smash into his brain as his warm tongue slips across his lower lip. Melting muscles. Sticky belly buttons. Intertwined limbs. Racing hearts. Teasing tongues. Perverted words. Everything pools into this kiss. All of him, all of William, and everything that had and never would be.

\- I'm not brave enough for love like this. I can't be what you want. - his whisper is so quiet but Lennon can hear it as loud as the thousand screams. The air smells like Glenlivet and rain. He pulls back to rest his forehead on William's. They're sharing breath, there's tears on William's face as he digs fingers in Lennon's hair.

\- You already are. - and then Lennon runs as fast as he can out of the damn swimming pool.  
  
  


*

He remembers the tiny, blue tiles of the empty swimming pool. He remembers the shade of blue of William's eyes in the shadow of the pool after he rejected him. Again. He remembers the roar of the thousands of people in front of him the last time he was on stage. His phone ringing in his pocket. He remembers the smell of oil paint and rain in Shoreditch. He remembers _him_ whispering in his ear that he will live forever because his face will be in the art galleries all over the world. He remembers he needs to get away from that swimming pool even though he has already drowned. He remembers faceless bodies moving to the beats of the music in the house in slowmotion. Running through the door. He remembers the sound of high heels on the pavement behind him. A woman's voice. He remembers shaking her away after she grabbed his arm, scratching his skin with long fingernails. They are shouting at each other. _You're the reason he hates me now_ she screams. He remembers the rain coming down in sheets, stinging his face. Blinding him. He just wants to go home and sleep and never wake up. _Manipulative bitch_ he says. _He never loved you._ He remembers he felt loved by him in that hotel room. He remembers Maggie Mae. He remembers waving her off and leaving her to shout outside the gate. He turns around to cross the road. He remembers two lights of the car in the darkness of the street. She still follows him and calls him names. _Leave me the fuck alone_ he shouts. He remembers Nina's hands pushing him. He loses his balance on the curb. He remembers a tires screech on the wet tarmac and a blaring horn. But it's too late.

*

William POV

Heavy wet tears drop to his cheeks, causing him to sniffle to contain the sorrow pouring out of him. Or is it raining? He is frozen in place, crushed against the cold wall where Lennon left him. As he watches him leave he realises what he did. He let the love of his life go.

\- Stupid stupid stupid! - he wipes his wet nose with the back of his hands.

He has to find him, this can't end like this. This can't end. To hell with everything, he has to...

He runs for him. Looks everywhere for him, he is in the house, he opens doors, he pushes people, he thinks the worst - that he will find some random person that has drugs and get high again, hurt himself again. He sees Jorja, Sam and Nate and they are also looking for him. Worried Nate is pacing with his phone, calling. No answer, Nate is shaking his head. Music is loud. But the wail of the ambulance siren somewhere outside the house is louder and William's heart drops to the floor.


End file.
